Enjoying the holidays...

The shopping and wrapping are done...and now it is time for us to enjoy the holidays.  Larry his feeling better and WE ARE ALL TOGETHER (and healthy)!  That is what I wanted for Christmas... and it seems as though I have gotten it!  I am so grateful! 

More hospitals...but for my husband this time!

Poor Larry had a surgery to remove his kidney stones two weeks ago in hopes that he could avoid more trips to the ER and hospital.  It didn't work at all...but instead caused more and made them start dropping.  We were going to go Christmas shopping in friday and dropped our kids off to a friend...a block later he is in severe pain and we end up in the ER.  Last night he was admitted to the hospital and this afternoon her had another surgery. I hope this one worked.  He has 10 stones currently on his kidneys...and he's NOT excited about that!
Lesson learned...make prayers more specific.  We have been praying that I would be home and away from the hospital for the holidays.  Maybe we should have asked for the whole family to be home feeling well.  Just kidding!  :)  I feel bad for Larry...but am grateful he is healthy other than that.  Good health is truly a WONDERFUL blessing!

Inspiration...

"This Christmas, mend a quarrel.

Seek out a forgotten friend.

Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.

Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth.

Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise.

Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy.

Apologize. Try to understand.

Examine your demands on others.

Think first of someone else.

Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more.

Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger.

Gladden the heart of a child.

Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.

Speak your love and then speak it again."

-Howard W. Hunter

I LOVE this quote...and have tried for the last several years to do these things throughout the month of December.  This year I decided to print them and put them in a jar.  I pull one out each day and try to focus on that.  It has helped me to feel more of the spirit of the holiday...despite the chaos of shopping, wrapping, etc.  
Try a few of these things today...and let me know how it goes.  I guarantee it will brighten your day! 

Back in the game...and remembering rainbows!

I went shopping I have resumed my "old" life as much as possible...and I forgot how hectic it was.  I am a taxi, chef, receptionist, maid, accountant, personal shopper, babysitter...and you get my drift.  Factor in the holiday chaos, my forever long list of to do's to make up for the last year...and my overall lack of energy...and hopefully you understand my limited blog posts. 

It is great!  ALL of it!  I love being needed again by my family and being able contribute.  I am overwhelmed by all that I need to do, but am SO grateful that I can do all of those things!   I saw this (double) rainbow when I came home yesterday from a marathon errand running day...and I was reminded of the beauties in this life.  Life is GOOD...not always easy, but SO worth it!

Big and BALD? No...

I never imagined I would spend a year on a public forum talking about my bowels, but I never imagined I would admit this either:

I have gained over 30 pounds in the last 4 weeks.  Aaah~  My doctors are thrilled... but wow...I hope this slows down.  They think it is my body trying to adapt as it has been in starvation mode for so long.  I'm not sure what to say about that.  I dropped down to to the point where all of my ribs were showing, but not any more! :)  Several people have commented when they have seen me, so just wanted to address it on the blog.  Yes...  I have gained some weight.  (Can you blame me?  Food tastes WAY better than IV nutrition.  And I cook a lot better than the hospital cafeteria... but then again, who doesn't?)

On a different note...I am losing my hair again.  And quickly!  I never went bald with chemo, but thinned quite a bit.  Luckily my hair was very thick to start with.  We aren't sure what is causing it now...but it is coming out in handfulls and I hope it stops.  They ran several tests at the cancer center today.  I hope they find an answer...I don't want to be BIG and BALD for Christmas. (I say this jokingly) 

I still have some other strange, lingering symptoms, but compared to what I am used to...they are nothing! I have  pain all over my body underneath my skin. It is hard to explain, but hurts when putting on lotion, getting hugs, and things like that. My legs from my knees down are completely numb...and feel very strange as well as my fingers. They move correctly but feel detached in strange way. My feet cause the most problems...they feel like strange weights that I carry around. I have to consciously think about them when I walk or I stumble...It is a hard sensation to get used to. And my stomach is still swollen and sore, but I think I will have that for quite a while. 

Please know I don't tell you these things to complain, but I have tried to be very open through this whole process and this is a part of it I haven't mentioned in quite a while.  Other than that...I am feeling great.  Every day gets better...you will hardly catch me not smiling!

Update...

This morning we are headed to the hospital for a quick surgery for Larry (NOT FOR ME!!!)  He is getting several kidney stones blasted in hopes that he can avoid problems in the future.  He has had 3 now and has at least 4 more hanging on his kidney.  We hope it goes well and that he will be back to normal quickly. 

We are returning to normal...though it is a slow progression.  I have short bursts of energy, but they seem to increase almost daily.  I even got to scrub my own house this week.  (yes..I was grateful to scrub bathrooms!)  I have to be REALLY careful because bending hurts, but it was nice to feel a bit more self sufficient.  I have been taking care of my girls each day on my own for a few weeks...which is AMAZING!  My youngest is glued to my hip and just keeps telling me how much she missed me and loves me.  My oldest is just making up for lost time with me.  She has a mile long list of things she wants us "to do" together.  We are going to have so much fun this month...I am so excited!

I was thinking yesterday about how much my life has changed over recent months and just was completely overwhelmed by how much better it has gotten.  I almost forgot about the side effects of my chemo...there were some miserable ones, but another was how I wasn't able to drink or touch anything cold.  That was hard over the summer...no cold water, smoothies, ice cream, etc. BUT.. With all of the freezing weather and snow I am feeling SO grateful that I did that during the summer, or I would have been in trouble. (cold things caused so much pain in my throat, hands, feet, or wherever it touched.)  Small blessings...but there are SO many.  That is just one of a million...but I am grateful I did my chemo in the summer.

I can't even explain how wonderful it is to be at home versus a hospital.  If you have never been there for more than a few days than it is hard to even fathom what I am talking about.  I hope you NEVER have to experience long stays there.  I am SO excited that I no longer have IV nutrition, a wound vac pump to carry around, or a chemo fanny pack.  I am so excited to NOT be connected to a constant IV pole.  I am thrilled to have been able to STOP taking all medicines except a vitamin.  I felt like I was in a medicine induced coma this past year and it is nice to be clear headed again.    I am so grateful that my vision has returned...because it kept me from reading for many months this year.  (Your whole body responds to extreme trauma...and my eyes were NOT working!) 

I am so grateful that I have been able to serve others a little bit lately.  It is amazing being able to be on the giving end again.  I am reminded that there are truly times and seasons for everything.  I hope that I can share some of the comfort and help that SO MANY amazing people shared with me.  I will never forget all of the kindness that was shown to my family this last year.  It is something that has changed me...and will be with me FOREVER!!!

And...I have to remind you that You are AWESOME...and I am grateful for YOU!  This blog has given me an outlet through all of this and has been an amazing source of support and strength.  Thanks for putting up with my ramblings, my sorrows, and for seeing me through this.

Oh yeah...

TODAY...I went to the gym!!  I wasn't sure what I would be capable of...but I did a class and was SO excited.  I am pretty sure I just sat there with a big grin on my face the WHOLE time.  It felt so good to move my body.  I can't wait until I can try tennis again!!!!

Just SOME of the things I am grateful for this year...

We had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving at my parents with family and friends.  I felt strong, my children were happy, my mom is feeling better (after a big surgery 2 weeks ago), and our hearts were full as

we have SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!!!

We went around and each drew a scrabble tile and shared things we were grateful for that began with the letter we picked.  It was amazing how easy it was to think of things (except for the letter "Z".)  We truly are blessed!  Silly picture, I know...but this is me...grateful to be doing dishes.  It is amazing what you miss after a year of not being able to do anything for yourself.  I was just thrilled to have the energy and strength.  It was a beautiful day! 

The best medicine...

I didn't go out with them, but Larry did.  They went sledding and enjoyed the snow yesterday! 

I am just enjoying seeing them SO HAPPY!  Laughter, giggles, and ear to ear smiles...they have AMAZING healing properties.  Try it! :)

Making up for LOST time...and LOVING it!!

I haven't sat down to blog...because I am ALIVE...and feel ALIVE...and I am cherishing every moment.  I am completely trying to make up for lost time.  I am still very weak but am gaining strength each day.  The girls and I are so excited to have some time together this week with no school...and I am actually excited to clean, bake, play, and just do what moms and daughters usually do.  I can't wait!

I had an appointment last week with my local surgeon and got good news.  It doesn't look like I am going to need another surgery to place another drain for my bowel perforation.  I have gained weight (which was what they wanted...), I am feeling stronger, and it seems like it is almost healed.  He was thrilled with my progress.  That was the last thing that was hanging over me right now.  The open incision on my abdomen is also closing off, so it seems like I can now move forward.  I was SO relieved!

I had been searching for something that I could get to symbolize my battle with cancer...and remind me my own strength.  I found this amazing woman on etsy that made this necklace for me.  The picture doesn't do it justice...as it means SO much to me and I wanted to share.  It symbolizes surviving...the beads are "amber" which symbolize my cancer...and the ribbon is for cancer awareness.  I LOVE it!  She has necklaces that reflect other things as well (other cancers, autism, hobbies,etc.) and I love what she made for me. 

I few things I had MISSED...that aren't to be taken for granted!

Showering!  That amazing gift has been returned after MONTHS.  I have been able to shower for about a week now and everyday, I just want to stand there until there until the hot water gives out.  For months, I had to bathe in about 4 inches of water, skillfully scrub the rest, and wash my hair in the kitchen sink.  It is amazing to just stand in warm, running water without the fear that you will get some attached pump or some wound wet.  I am SO grateful to be able to shower!!!!!

And I am driving again.  That might be another thing taken for granted, but it had been months since I had driven myself anywhere.  My van missed me...and I missed my independence.  I have even driven my youngest to preschool like a normal young mom this week.  Her teacher cornered me after I picked her up that day and told me that it was the first time in two months of school that Addie was bubbly and talkative.  I think she was just thrilled to have her mom back...this has really taken a toll on ALL of my family.  She has been stuck to my side since I have started living again and keeps saying, "aren't you too sick, Mommy?"  

My heart is full...

My 7 year old taught us an amazing lesson on the power of prayer last night and how much it can change lives.  She planned her lesson, made her visuals, gathered us together, and made my heart even more full of love and appreciation for her.  I am so grateful for my girls...I can't imagine what my life with be without their love!

Guess What...

Appendix cancer has a ribbon Color...Amber!

  The logo to the right is one of the designs that I found online for appendiceal cancer.  I even love the color.  It made my day.  Now, my lifelong battle with be to promote awareness, help other patients as an advocate, and earn money for research.  (maybe one day I can get the NFL to wear amber...the appendix is just as scary to have cancer in as breasts....)  THere are several new clinical trials that would help my cancer and I am working to put together a run in my area to fund research for this spring.  My degree is in Marketing communictions...so this is exactly what I enjoy.  It feels good to have a bit of energy to even think of tackling such a project. 

Also: The drain that was removing the bowel material from my abdomen had to be removed this morning because it lost suction.  It has been in since the surgery (over 5 weeks) but the stitches had come out twice and it had been inching out over the last week.  We are hoping the body will create its own pathway out for the "foreign matter," but there is a chance for complications.  That is the focus of my prayers now...I just hope it heals and that I can avoid more surgeries/doctors. 

I am ready to start living my life again! :)

A LONG TIME

Today is Nov. 2nd...and that marks 14 months of being sick. 

I ended up in the hospital on Sept. 2nd last year horribly ill with a ruptured appendix after it was misdiagnosed in the ER. (as many of you know...) 

 That is what spread my cancer from stage 1 to stage 4, but we had NO idea at the time. 

Some people say that time flies...but I can tell you that the last year or so has just drug on!

MY GOAL: By Dec. 2nd...I want to have my body healed and be able to focus on my FAMILY for the holidays!
(Side note: Today,  I went walking around the block with a friend and I made it!!!  I was THRILLED!!!)

Happily Exhausted...and HALLOWEEN!

This weekend I tried to do EVERYTHING...and today I am simply exhausted...but HAPPILY exhausted!!!

I was able to take my girls to the trunk or treat at church...I drove the golf cart while they trick or treated around our block last night...and I even got to go to church yesterday!  It was ALL wonderful. 
Aana was the young Cleopatra and Addie was a Halloween Fairy
(though when people asked what she was...she answered "umm...I don't really know!") 

I am sore...SO sore...and tired, but couldn't have asked for a better weekend considering the circumstances.

Just for KICKS!

 Aana's soccer season just ended, but we have finally found a sport that she really seems to LOVE!!!  I missed her entire season due to hospitals and illness, but on Friday they had a parent/child game and a party to celebrate their great season.  I got to see that...and she was SO happy!  I even went to a movie with Larry afterward...and we got a mini date.  It was so NICE to get out of the house so much that day!  A great start to a great weekend!!!







Some Sunshine!!!

I had a several dr. appointments last week.  It is amazing how differently each one can view the same situation.  I came away from one specialist feeling completely hopeless...but ended the day after another specialist who gave such a different opinion and my heart felt so much more peace.  That day, he was talking about continuing the IV nutrition (called TPN) and some other IVs.  I just felt like I needed to ask him (and basically BEG him) to just unplug me completely and allow me to try to eat on my own.  The TPN had been making me violently ill and I was getting the strongest IV anti-nausea meds that there are.  I just didn't feel well at all and had dropped quite a bit of weight. 

Anyway...he let me get rid of the IV's and try a week with NO extra medicine...and it has been WONDERFUL!  I haven't vomited even once since that day and have been able to eat.  Matter of fact, I have been starving and have even had to wake up in the middle of the night for a snack.  Just this week alone, I gained 8 pounds back...which was needed!!

I have the sheer joy of our wooden friend Pinocchio as he exclaimed "THERE ARE NO STRINGS ON ME!!!!!!  Though I technically still have a drain...at least there are NO IV's.  It was so hard to push that IV pole on the carpet around my house, plus carry a separate 15 pound back that held the TPN and pump, plus carry the wound vac unit.  I felt 115 years old and just needed to unplug so that I could FEEL a bit more normal.  I was worried I would crash, but wanted to try...and it worked.

Momentum has shifted and each day I am getting stronger.  I still have a hole in my bowel and an open hole in  my stomach that goes from the outside to the inside of my abdominal cavity.  I am still very weak and tire easily, but....I can see the SUNSHINE!!!!!  Mental strength is half of the battle in these cases, and I feel so much more able to carry on!

I even got to go walk around target until I almost passed out.  That was my FIRST time out of the house other than the HOSPITAL in over 2 months.  Yesterday, I even drove myself to an appointment.  I had been so medicated and weak that I hadn't driven in months.  These might not sound like much ...but to me they are HUGE LEAPS in a positive direction.  I have a long way to go...but I am on my way!!!!!!!

Kids...and their unfiltered HONESTY

The night before last...my dear Addie and I were snuggling in my bed.  We used to do this all of the time in the morning, but I have been too sick and sore to snuggle for the last few months.  She was thrilled to be able to cuddle again and we resumed our usual dialogue.  She always asks me to tell her stories about when she was a baby and when I was in the hospital. 

I told her a few of her "baby" stories and she said it was her turn.  She said she was going to tell me stories of "WHEN I was still her Mommy, and I had long hair, and I was still beautiful."  (do I even need to comment on the emotions I felt at that time?~)

More ill than I have ever been in my life...

I know I am overdue in posting but I have NOT had the energy AT ALL to even sit at the computer...or try to use the laptop in bed.  Much has happened since I last posted, but basically I tanked.  My body couldn't absorb nutrution...the perforation in my bowel isn't healing...there are complications, a million trips to the hospital, more vomiting than when I was on chemo, tons of tests, lots of pain, round the clock IV's, and a new pump to carry around that infuses me with 24 hour IV nutrition through my port, and SO much more.  There are still no answers for the problems...and it all continues, but I promised myself I would blog today.

This little "mishap" by the doctor of accidentally perforating my bowel is proving to be a disaster.  I have lost yet another month in my life...and am nowhere near healing.  I am not a candidate for surgery as I am still to malnurished and my tissues area all too weak to hold stiches.  I am just praying that I can stay home...as I teeter on the verge of being readmitted.  I am praying that I can heal...quickly.  I SO badly want to gain strength and start my recovery that is so long overdue.  Many tears have been shed this month...tears of pain, tears of frustration, tears of confusion... I am still here...but my mind and body are getting tired.  Other than the hospital and my house, I have not even been into a public place in over two months.  It has been 13 months that I have been sick...10 months since I have been diagnosed with cancer...and I have held on strong.  This set of circumstances has pushed me close to my breaking point.  I just wish I could go to sleep and fast forward time... so that I could wake up and be closer to whole.  My family needs me...and I need myself to come back.  (that might sound strange, but I mean it...)  I am not depressed as this sounds...but I AM exhausted!!!!

Back home...my new home decor

I am behind in updating, but it has been hard to make time/energy for the computer.  I got released from the hospital on Friday evening after another 8 day stay.  I had to immediately start home IV antibiotic treatments, so the home nurses trained me to do those that night. 

That leads me to tell you about my new addition...I am the proud owner of a new IV pole.  Yeehaw! :)   I have to give myself IV infusions at 9 am, 11 am, and 9 pm for a total of 4 hours.  It doesn't sound like much but prepping for the infusions, doing them, etc...seems to take up a bit part of my day.  I also have to go to the hospital every other day to get the dressings for the wound vac changed.  It is a pretty uncomfortable process and I dread it... I am getting tired of abdominal pain.   They are guessing it will take at least a month of wearing the wound vac 24 hours a day for the wound to heal.  I pray that it heals well.  It is in the center of my stomach where my belly button should be.  That is in an area where your core is constantly worked...it needs to heal well. 

I found out yesterday that the surgery they did to fix the bowel perforation "mistake" by the doctor didn't hold because of my weakened condition and is now leaking into my abdomen.  There is a drain there that the doctor had left from the surgery, luckily, so it is catching some of it.  My body is too compromised for another surgery so we are going to try to watch it, and hope it heals on its own, but if the output in the drain increases too much, I will end up in trouble and back in the hospital.  I am praying so hard that it will heal on its own and that there will be no more complications.  I am a nervous wreck...just getting though each day.  I can do this...