Oh and...

Did I tell you I got accepted to come back for a second year First Descents camp...and will be kayaking for a week in Glacier National park this summer?  I can't tell you how excited I am for that!!!!

Applications are now open for First Descents.  If you know any cancer survivor/fighter that is 18-39...please encourage them to apply.  It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life...and it is an experience not to be missed.  ( Don't get cancer so that you can apply...but if you are already a "survivor"...then sign up here...and tell them "Limbo" sent you.)  And...don't forget...it FREE.

I will be doing a challenge for myself to pay it forward for a first year camper for Team FD...so watch for that.  I'm still trying to think of a cool way to challenge myself and help out. If you have any ideas...feel free to drop me a comment or email.  Also...my team FD page is here....if you would like to make a small donation to give another survivor the amazing experience that I had.  No pressure...

Scan results and life...

I haven't posted very much, but I have so much to share.  I really need to post pictures.  I have been so busy just trying to get the strength and jump back into MY AMAZING LIFE with both feet.  My girls keep me busy doing crafts, running them to lessons and school, playing games, and catching up on everything else we missed out on the last two years.  We count our blessing daily that we are together and are able to do whatever we want to with our days.  You should hear the prayers of gratitude offered several times a day at our house.  My kids don't miss a chance to bless my health and thank Heavenly Father for having their mom back.  It warms my heart!!!
I am also happy to report that today I officially played my tennis match since early last September.  I have tried to get back on court but have taken it very easy with limited play and movement in simple classes.  Today, I played a doubles match and felt SO thrilled to be able to.  I almost tripped on my dumb numb legs twice...but didn't....and it felt so good just to play.  I am even forming a competitive team that will start intense practicing...just because I can!
There are still no treatment options for me at this time...but I am grateful the CT scan results I just got.  My scans have never been able to detect my cancer...so I knew they wouldn't see that...but the ascites (fluid in my abdomen) that I have had the last year has mostly all reabsorbed...and that was great news.  That means my organs are healing and not distressed and pumping out fluid from the trauma.  They are healing...it is truly amazing.  My liver, for example...was poisoned, severely burned, then had a big cancerous part of it removed.  That caused problems with its function...my counts have all been off for quite some time.  This ct showed healing..and my labs are miraculously returning to normal.  The body is such an amazing gift.  I am eating healthy, fighting my cancer with nutrition and FAITH...and will be as strong as I can until a new treatment surfaces.  I am feeling better each day...and I feel so blessed!!!!!!!!

loved this...and so true!

You never know what life is going to throw at you...so...

Another CT this week...

They usually don't see anything on my CT's...but I get them regularly anyway.  I am always nervous as I go and ask you to keep me in your prayers.  Thank you in advance.  I will share results as I get them.

A pivotal moment...

There are some people that come into our lives...at just the right time.  Recently I had the chance to go to lunch with two friends that I hadn't seen in quite a while.  I first met Dave (the husband) at the cancer center.  It was during my 3rd week of chemo and I was SO SICK.  My body had a horrible reaction to one of the drugs in my chemo regimen and I had extreme symptoms that weren't expected.  I remember trying to be brave and was in the waiting room just shaking and trying to hold back my tears.  I had a doomed feeling... and I was TERRIFIED!
I was afraid that my body wasn't going to tolerate the chemo and that I might die...just because I didn't think my body could take another round.  I knew my diagnosis was bad and I NEEDED the chemo to give me a chance.  I was saying that to my mom who was waiting with me...and I was feeling so broken and defeated...to the very core of my being.  The next thing I remember was this kind man whom I didn't know coming over to me and wrapping his arms around me in an embrace and just holding me as I cried.  He will never know how badly I needed that hug...that extra strength at that exact moment...and the reassurance that I could do it.  It was almost like my Savior was there wrapping his arms around me.  It gave me the fortitude to continue and was a pivotal point for me....much more so than I can put into words.

I later met his truly amazing wife as well and crossed paths with them while I was doing infusions over the next year.  When I went to lunch with them last week, we discussed that first meeting...and I was able to thank him for that hug.  We talked about how he felt like he should come try to comfort me, but then doubted himself since  he didn't even know me.  He wasn't sure if he should or not...but he heeded the prompting he received...and it is a moment in my life that will forever stay with me.

This experience is one of so many times where people have acted as "angels" in my life during the past two years.  A lesson that I have learned is that we truly need to ACT when prompted to do something for others....no matter what doubts come into our minds.  The Lord has put people in my path...so many amazing people... who have listened and have stepped in during such critical times.  Please never underestimate your power to change lives and do good...  And if you think someone might need you... they probably do!  YOU are amazing and might be the answer to someone's most urgent prayer!

Two Year Diagnosis Anniversary...but LIFE goes on!

January 5th is a day that completely rocked my world...two years ago.  The good new is that I was so busy that day that I didn't even slow down to remember.  I count that as a HUGE blessing.  The 5th was on Thursday...and that morning, I was blessed to do SO many things that I wasn't able to for so long.  I got my girls ready for school, went to the TENNIS class that I used to go to, I drove my girls to different lessons after school, I took them to a Zumba class with me, and I rode an exercise bike...then came home to make dinner and have a fun family evening.  My days aren't all that busy, but it was such a great example of LIVING and my heart has been so full.
Another small milestone: I got fully cleared from all of my doctors to return to tennis...and it is something that I had really missed.  It is amazing to me that I can play.  My vision has been limited since my brush with near starvation a year ago.  Many of you also know...but I lost ALL feeling in both legs from my knees down from severe nerve damage.  I still think it is a miracle that I can walk...but I can.  I step on court with my raquet in my hand and I just smile.   One of my goals for this year is to get strong enough to enter a tournament.  I have a long way to go...and need to regain so much strength, but I can't wait to do it!  (Side note: your bodies are such blessing...treasure them and be good to them.  They are AMAZING creations!!!  Please never take your health for granted!)

My favorite Christmas thought...

“This Christmas, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again.”

~Howard W. Hunter

I have posted this before, but I challenge myself to try each of these things through the preparations for the holidays.  Doing this helps make my Christmas more meaningful.  I feel SO grateful to be home and with my family this Christmas.  As you know, I  was recently told there is no more chemo available to me to help fight my cancer at this time.  The silver lining of that is that I get to have a chemo/hospital free Christmas.  We are having a wonderful time together.  We have talked of our Savior and studied the scriptures about his birth.  We have enjoyed doing service and sung carols to proclaim his birth.  The tree is lit and the presents are wrapped.  I need nothing more...my Christmas is complete!  I am so grateful for this time to reflect again on my blessings~  Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas~ 2011~

Braithwaite’s Top “Eleven” of 2011:

11. Our family is SO excited to be at home and together for this holiday season.  NO hospitals…

10. Speaking of TEN… Larry and Shanda celebrated 10 years of marriage and took a fantastic cruise!

9. Addie (4 ½) got darling glasses and “wonders why everyone always asks her if she sees better now.”

8.  Shanda is on medical leave from tennis, but has a new passion...whitewater kayaking.  An amazing cancer retreat gave her a chance to face new fears other than cancer…and CONQUER them.  She’s hooked!

7.  Aana (8 ½) was baptized and met her goal of finishing the Book of Mormon beforehand.  She is also learning to sew and made an entire quilt by herself.  She dreams of designing her own clothing line.

6.  Larry has traveled the country learning new dental tricks and continues to root for his Cougars!!

5.  Addie learned to read this year, but really enjoys writing and illustrating her own books.  By next Christmas, she wants to see them at Barnes and Noble.   

4. Shanda is looking for a doctor that will install a zipper in her abdomen.  She’s a trooper and is healing from her 12th surgery.  They removed more cancer…and we pray that was the last of it.  

3.  With flashcards and practice, Aana “mastered” pig latin…only to find out it didn’t really count as a foreign language.  It crushed her dreams of being a pig latin teacher when she “grows up.” 

2.  For the 2nd year in a row, Larry earned “Most Handsome Mr. Mom.”  His passion for juggling has paid off and allowed him to keep working and keep the house running. (thx to all those that have helped as well!)

1. WE SURVIVED…and also THRIVED!       

Has it been that long?

I am here...and am doing well.  I can't believe how much time has passed since I blogged.  Life has been wonderfully busy.  I am grateful that my energy is increasing so that I can actually be BUSY.  What a welcome contrast from being stuck in a hospital or in bed!

Thanksgiving was wonderful...but we did it a bit different.  I didn't have the energy to put on a huge dinner here, so we left town so that my kids could have a fun memory.  We went to an indoor waterpark/fun center.  It was perfect because there was NO ONE there...and I could sit on the side and watch while the kids had a blast.  They needed to just have FUN...with no reserves...and THEY DID!  They laughed, swam, played laser tag, bowled, rock climbed, mined for gems, mini golfed... and didn't miss turkey at all.  I was so content to participate where I could but watch them and just soak it all in.  The chance to spend time with my family is what I was most grateful for...and I got it!!  I was so busy watching that I didn't really take pictures. 

On a separate note: I am HEALING...and can tell a huge difference in my energy level.  I can go all day without having to lay in bed from pain.  I am even awake now when my husband gets home from work.  I didn't last that long before.  I am daily returning to my normal tasks and routines more and more and I can't tell you how amazing that feels.  I REJOICE in laundry, carpooling, and the daily grind.   I count my blessings that I can do them.  For so long these past two years...I couldn't!

Tender...tender mercies

We made dinner for a friend this week and a very special experience happened when dropping it off.  My youngest was playing with their daughter that is the same age.  They are really good friends.  She sat down beside her friend and quietly asked, "have you been praying for my mom, because she really needs it?"  Her friends said she hadn't but was so glad I am starting to feel better.  My little one grabbed her hand and said, " than lets say a prayer for her right now."  These two 4 year olds stopped playing and said a prayer for ME...and asked our Heavenly Father that I will have no more cancer, no more surgeries, no more chemo, and no more hospitals...that my stomach will feel better, that I won't have anymore big "owies", and that I can be a Mom again.

This is part of the reason I can honestly say cancer has become a blessing.  To witness this powerful testimony of prayer...by a 4 year old...who knows to kneel and ask her Lord for help in the thing that is upsetting her world the most.  She KNOWS he hears our prayers...and she doesn't skip a day without asking for his help.  (and apparently doesn't let her friends skip any days either.)  She somehow has the patience to know that not all prayers are answered immediately or on our time.  Her simple, yet profound faith is an example to me. 

The Dr. weighed in...

First of all, I have to tell you that I am getting stronger each day.  This has definitely been my slowest recovery, but I think it is to be expected with all my body has been through.  Yesterday I made dinner for my family...and even homemade bread. (which was huge for me.)  I am pushing myself as far as I can daily and can't wait to report to you that I'm fully back.  I'm trying...so hard!!

As you know...they did find more cancer with the last surgery.  It was on my uteris (which was removed with several other organs)...but it was good sized and went undetected by my doctor because it was hiding under SO much scar tissue.  The inside of my abdomen is covered in 3rd degree burns from heated chemo and other treatments...so there is TONS of scarring all over inside.  There is a chance that was the only cancer there...but the likelihood is not in my favor.  I had been waiting on my oncologist to tell me if more chemo was needed. 

I had my appt and he was so kind, but explained that there wasn't anything left to give me right now.  We tried several different regimens already and I already had a reoccurrence, so he had no evidence that it did any good.  I was bummed as you might guess, but I am at peace with it.  I feel deep in my heart that I have more time...and  I pray that during that time other treatments will be discovered.  I have an orphan cancer, though...and there aren't many patients diagnosed with it.  That means that there aren't really any clinical trials to develope treatments.  I have heard rumor of one that is lacking funding...and is specifically for appendix cancer.  I am working to organize a run that will benefit that clinical trial.  The efforts could very well save MY life...  You will definitely be hearing more about that as it evolves.  Thanks again for all of the support.

to quote a legend that lost her battle to appendix cancer...the beautiful Audrey Hepburn.

With Gratitude

Our Thoughts go to those that have paid the price to allow my children to live in freedom. 

"A nation that does not honor its heroes will not long endure."

-President Abraham Lincoln



The Musings of an ambitious Child...

My 8 year old is awesome and fills my life with so much joy.  Today I couldn't help but to laugh as a scene unfolded.  Maybe you will find this funny...or maybe it's just me. 

All day she was practicing writing stories in pig latin.  I thought it was cute and was just glad she was practicing writing.  Then she explained that she was working really hard to memorize pig latin, because she wanted to be a teacher in a pig latin school when she grew up.  I smiled...and was so proud of her ambitions.  Then I had to deflate her dream and tell her pig latin was a made up language for fun.  She was bummed...then I saw her in her room throwing away her stories and flashcards.  It sure was a fun idea for an afternoon, though...and it made me smile.  Cheers to pig latin!

Living with Cancer...

http://www.tri-cityherald.com/2011/10/31/1699617/faces-of-cancer-fighting-for-your.html
I got to be part of an article written to end the newspaper's month of "faces with cancer." This was focused on living with cancer.  I wasn't pictured because our schedules conflicted...but I felt grateful to be included.

 It has been interesting to think afterward of what I reallly should have said and what living with cancer really means to me.  Most of my ephiphanies come in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping and I can't...when my body hurts each time I move and my mind is weighed down with too many things to allow me to sleep. I don't remember them all right now, but here are a few that are in my mind. 
 

For me, living with cancer means:  

A lifetime of doctors appointments...and hanging on each word they say as their words determine my future.

Always holding a dark umbrella, but making extra effort to not live in it's shadow.

Being aware of every single minute in my life...and accountable for it.

ALWAYS keeping my focus on the sunshine...even in the dark.

Letting go of independence and relying on others for help with everything when needed.

Cherishing each gift life has to offer...and the simplest often mean the most or would be the most missed.

Not allowing petty things to ruin my day/relationship...because time is so valuable.

Being able to turn EVERYTHING in your life over to the Lord.

PATIENCE...on SO many levels!

Knowing that sometimes there is no way of fixing it.

Learning how to say "no" in life...and focusing all energy and time on what's most important.

Realizing that health is much deeper than physical appearance...looking healthy doesn't mean being healthy.

Being BRAVE even when you really want to curl up and cry.

Sharing love and kindness when you can...for no reason.  Becasuse it has meant the world to me.

Pressing forward in FAITH and HOPE... NOT FEAR...and knowing that I've done everything I can do.

Today I woke up to the most AMAZING snuggles from my little one...and I felt so much stress, fear, and worry just melt away.  She seems to know exactly when I'm needing it...and she held me close with our eyelashes touching and I just wanted to pause life...and not let that moment go.  Last night I loved watching my oldest giggle to the point where she couldn't breath as she told me the cheesiest halloween jokes ever that she learned from school.  She said she was practicing them so that she could make me laugh...and she did...I laughed until I was pretty sure I ripped something inside.  I didn't feel well at all yesterday, but I barely remember that... These are the moments I cherish!

not pretty...I know...but I am not ashamed. It goes much lower than you can see here...but this is what is on the outside...the worse is inside the abdomen...but luckily we can't see that!

I read this in a book recently and wrote down the quote...
"A scar does not form on the dying...it means you survived!"  (from a book called Little Bee)

Can't see the sun, but can totally feel it's rays!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long.  Healing is like a dance...quick step forward, a few slow steps back, step to the side... and back again.  The music kept going...and days were passing.  I am rehearsing a new dance now and I am so grateful. The beat is slow...but steady.  Small step forward..sway to the music...small step forward...and repeat.  Yes...you get my drift.  There is actual forward momentum and I pray it continues.  I am out of my bed more and can come downstairs and get a change of scenery from my bedroom.  I have more energy...and I can see light at the end of the tunnel!

Sunday I got to visit with old friends from dental school we hadn't seen in years.  They stopped by from out of state and I was so nervous...but I was able to visit most of the day.  I also got to finally meet a new friend that has shared support through my blog and I was so grateful to embrace my new friend.  I am embarrassed that people have to see me this way.  I did get out of pj's...and tried to look somewhat normal.  I am slow...my movement is awkward and limited...my conversations are slow and scattered...but hopefully everyone understands.  It is part of healing... and I am finally healing. 

There was a miracle last week that I would feel ungrateful if I didn't share.  I was starting another abcess.  I knew what it was because I had one last year at after a similiar surgery.  It was setting me back badly because of the pain and kept me in bed non stop.  I went to the dr and they could feel it.  Almost the size of a tennis ball under my incision in the middle.  It hurt, and hurt, and hurt each time I moved any part of my body.  That night I prayed and begged the Lord to take it away...just because the last time I had an abcess the dr. that drained it made a HUGE error that almost ended my life.  I don't think it would happen again, but it was my most recent experience and terrified me.  I went in the next day for a ct scan...and the results showed no mass there.  It was gone except for a bit of inflamed tissue that was much smaller.  I believe in prayer.  I know the Lord doesn't always answer that way or take away our trials...but this time he did...and I am so grateful.  I am back on track to heal as I should...and I am grateful for miracles.  They didn't end in Biblical days...there are modern miracles daily...I have witnessed many and I am so grateful.  Many things in my life are broken...but my faith is whole and gives me so much hope.

Thank you all for your individual efforts and kindness you have shown to my family and I.  Please know that your caring about my story...your prayers, thoughts, calls, cards, visits, comments, meals, and so much more have meant the world to me.  You make me smile everyday and have made cancer a blessing.  I have never before felt so loved!  Thank you!!!

I can do this...

I came home from the hospital a week ago and I am dissapointed to say that I have made no progress.  I am stuck right now.  I was getting worse earlier in the week because of rampant fevers and infection, but got new medicines last friday that should help.  I am no longer slipping backwards, but am feeling frustrated that I am not moving forward either.  I can't tell you how hard it is to have weeks slip away where you haven't been able to participate in life.  Please note: This hasn't even been a fraction of as long as the other times I have been laid up, but after all of them, I am just done being bedriden...and I'm SO ready to heal.  I wish I had more control over my body right now, but I DON'T.  These times where I feel so powerless are those that allow me to communicate so honestly with my maker.  He has been beside me each step of my life..but I have recognized his presence so strongly as my health has failed. 

This morning I was feeling down when my girls were going off to school in mismatched outfits and crazy hair.  It takes so little energy just to pick out clothes and fix their hair, but I didn't even have that much.  I wanted to shower, but I am just too weak...and I was just hurting...every part of my body seems to be hurting.  I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself wondering why I had to do this again... and then it was over.  I was overwhelmed with what I could best explain as a ray of sunshine.  It put a smile on my face and reminded me to keep that smile.  Smiling along each step of the journey is what has allowed me to get through all the hell of the last to years.  This surgery and recover is ROUGH...but nothing compared to what I've been through.  I just think my body is tired.  So, I gave it a pep talk...and my smile is back and bigger than ever.  I am making post it notes of postivie affirmations for my bedroom... and I'm counting my blessings that this soon will be over.  Already I feel stronger..and I am at least out of bed and sitting at the computer writing this.

IV's and help

The last two days just felt like I was stepping backward and feeling pretty crummy.  I finally got a hold of my surgeon and he ordered bloodwork and cultures on the fluid that has been accumulating and draining everyday.  I ended up getting an IV infusion of some antibiotics to start helping as they were very confident that my abdominal cavity was severely infected again.(the cultures will come in by Monday...but they didn' t want to wait and have me crash worse.)  I wish I could have taken notes, but the dr. explained to me how my insides are just so prone to infection post surgery because of the compartmentalization that has occurred because of scar tissue and adhesions all over.  It doesn't make sense as I type tonight, but helped me to see what might be going on inside.  I am so grateful for a caring oncologist.  They kept 4 staff members on after 6 on a friday evening when they had already closed just to help me.  If not, I would have been admitted to the hospital to receive the same tests, iv's, and care, but I would have had to stay at least through the weekend.  I ended up covered in hives from the antibiotic, but they fixed that, too...and I am starting to feel better already just a couple hours later.  I sure hope this makes a difference and helps me start really healing.  I have some truly wonderful doctors that are on my team and was so grateful for their time tonight.

Home again, Home again...Jiggety jig!

Scavenger Hunt was a success.  Addie was
terrified to crawl into my bed previous to this surgery.

Despite fevers and a bit of uncertainty, they doctor released me and I have slept in my own bed the last two nights.  Yehaw!  I was even cleared to shower (which felt amazing!)  There are no vampires sneaking in to take my blood in the middle of the night, no IV alarms going off at random times all day needing assistance, no more sponge baths by grumpy CNA's that don't really enjoy scrubbing my unreachables (yes, I am still feeling a bit rejected by a few of them.)  I am in my bed and have slept much better.  I still might need additional help if these fevers don't clear up, but I was happy for a break.  Being home is always an amazing milestone after surgery...but is harder than it sounds.  Just getting up and downstairs to fill up my water is a daunting task.  My bed is also much higher than most and feels like it engages every core muscle that was sliced just to awkwardly crawl in.  You'd think I'd have that figured out by surgery #12, but it is always hard.  I do think I am getting around a bit better than the others though.  I had tried to stay so active up until the day of my surgery because I could...and pushed through the pain. I think it is helping my recovery already.  They left a drain in the lower left area of my abdomen that is producing quite a bit of fluid and is the most awkward strap on drain that I have ever worn.  I will try to post a pic in the morning.

So many other things are on my mind...but battling cancer is much more than just chemo or those tag words you hear about so often.  My most important part of the battle is TODAY and is healing from THIS surgery and not letting small complications retell my story as they have threatened to do in the past.  I'm so disappointed that the Dr. missed a HUGE chance to do the heated chemo...but I have so much hope that amazing things are on the horizon.  I'm enjoying today...taking it one step at a time. (literally..)  I picture myself where I want to be in a few months.  I visualize my kids and I making crafts and laughing together, I picture my next doubles match in tennis and can't wait to swing my raquet.  I see myself walking with my family as the crisp fall approaches.  I see myself back to running the soccer carpools and teaching my primary kids music on Sundays. I can't wait to be back in my life doing what I love.  These chances where that is taken from me always remind me to fully appreciate each day...each moment.