Wednesday, October 20, 2010

More ill than I have ever been in my life...

I know I am overdue in posting but I have NOT had the energy AT ALL to even sit at the computer...or try to use the laptop in bed.  Much has happened since I last posted, but basically I tanked.  My body couldn't absorb nutrution...the perforation in my bowel isn't healing...there are complications, a million trips to the hospital, more vomiting than when I was on chemo, tons of tests, lots of pain, round the clock IV's, and a new pump to carry around that infuses me with 24 hour IV nutrition through my port, and SO much more.  There are still no answers for the problems...and it all continues, but I promised myself I would blog today.

This little "mishap" by the doctor of accidentally perforating my bowel is proving to be a disaster.  I have lost yet another month in my life...and am nowhere near healing.  I am not a candidate for surgery as I am still to malnurished and my tissues area all too weak to hold stiches.  I am just praying that I can stay home...as I teeter on the verge of being readmitted.  I am praying that I can heal...quickly.  I SO badly want to gain strength and start my recovery that is so long overdue.  Many tears have been shed this month...tears of pain, tears of frustration, tears of confusion... I am still here...but my mind and body are getting tired.  Other than the hospital and my house, I have not even been into a public place in over two months.  It has been 13 months that I have been sick...10 months since I have been diagnosed with cancer...and I have held on strong.  This set of circumstances has pushed me close to my breaking point.  I just wish I could go to sleep and fast forward time... so that I could wake up and be closer to whole.  My family needs me...and I need myself to come back.  (that might sound strange, but I mean it...)  I am not depressed as this sounds...but I AM exhausted!!!!

20 comments:

Patt and Duke said...

Shanda, you have been through so much, yet you still remain strong. You are my hero and I want you to know that you are NEVER far from my mind, and I think about you every day. Please do not hesitate to call on me if and whenever you need a shoulder or an ear. STAY strong, STAY focused, and above all else, STAY positive. You can do it! Much love and hugs, Patt and Duke

Prince's said...

Shanda
Thanks For posting i check quite often and think and pray for you guys all the time! Not to make it any better but when my father in law went through this he was feeling much better when they discovered that he still had major cancer pockets so he went back to square one and added bonemarow transplant to the list this time!
throught that experience i know that with the faith and long suffering you will be great! may the lord bless you and your family with all that you stand in need of!
Love
Princes

reverseoreo said...

Shanda it brings tears to my eyes when I read the blog. I wish I could take 1/2 of it for you. I wish I could come and give you a big hug and take it all away. We still pray for you. We are all sick so we won't be by to visit untill we are all better.We are sending many hugs and Love your way. Love Nik Annette and Martin

c-natalie-l-k said...

We are praying for you, Shanda! We think of you all the time.

Kristi said...

I too check often and have shed tears for you and your family. You have been such a strength and example of faith. You and your family are in my prayers.

Lexie said...

Shanda,
Hang in there, you are doing such a great job and hopefully soon (relatively) this will be a bad memory. As always you are in our thoughts and prayers. We love you!

Dave said...

What can we say that will make it any better? You know we love you & praying for you all the time

Laurene said...

Sheer will-power that you mustered the ability to post. Incredible! Hopefully this is the last really big mountain for you to scale for a very long time. Just picture and anticipate those beautiful meadows!

The Person Family said...

Shanda, My heart aches for you. We all just want to take away all of the pain and make everything better for you. You are amazing. And stronger than you know. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Natalie said...

Shanda, you deserve to be better and be able to move on and away from this chapter in your life. You have been tested and refined, and I have been so inspired by your constant faith and perseverance. Our prayers are with you and your family!

Auna Leigh said...

shanda! Finally! I have been wondering what is going on up there! I can't believe this crap won't let up! I wish more than anything that your body will recover!!! your poor body, your poor mind, your poor family..yet as i type this i know beyond a doubt that you are probably one of the most wealthy people i know. you have been blessed with trials that have given you opportunities to grow and evolve into a wonderful person. i have no doubt you've built yourself a pretty sweet house up there!!! and if larry plays his cards right, he might earn a key! ;) Love you guys and think of you always! We will keep praying for you!
love you!

adrianne s. said...

Oh, Shanda. I can't believe all you have been through. Hang in there. We are still praying for you. Thank you for mustering up the strength to post and share with all of us- it helps us to know more specifically what to pray for.

Kim and Thad said...

Words are not sufficient. I wish I could just give you a great big hug (although I'm sure that action would be pretty painful in itself...) and take the pain away (if even for a day--just to give you a reprieve). The Lord has big big plans for you and yours. We continue to prayer for you and your beautiful family. We love you!

chesam said...

so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. may the lord bless you with the strength you need to make it through each day! lots of love & prayers for you and your family.

Aly G said...

Shanda! I am so sorry for all you are going through! I can't believe all of it! I am thinking of you and just can't believe all you are going through! Praying and thinking of you! Luvs!

Ben said...

Shanda, thank you so much for posting even though you don't feel well enough. I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. Hang in there!! You are such a strong woman, this experience has proven it. I know you long so much for your old self and to be back with your family. You will get there. Just hang in there. Our prayers will continue but even more FERVENTLY. Take care...
Mindy and Ben

Lolo said...

it's so hard to read your message and not be there to help buoy you up! today in sacrament meeting the speaker talked about the noble ones being the ones most tested in this life, and I definitetly think it applies to you! we just came back from visiting Dave's mom in the ICU and he quietly asked her if she's giving up or still fighting, and she said STILL FIGHTING...and I know that's you. You're a fighter, and there's all the proof in the world that this little bit of fight is enough to pull you through! We love you!

ktrumpx said...

lol

Charlene Hardy said...

Thank you for posting and letting us know how you are doing. You provide such inspiration to me, I am thinking of you and your family often and keeping you in my prayers.

Halfords said...

Shanda!! It's Amanda(Newton). I just read your blog and had no idea the things you were going through! I am so sorry!! But I am so inspired by you. You are so strong. You are such a wonderful person.I have so many young women memories of you and all the wonderful lessons you gave! You really had an impact on my life then! I am praying for you!!!