Just not much to say...But I'm STILL here!

I am still in the hospital, and hope to be able to go home soon.  I will be going home with IV antibiotics and a wound vac and will require home health to come out quite a bit to change the dressings, etc. 

I am struggling with this surgery and hospitalization.  For the others, I knew I was doing it for a great cause...fighing cancer.  I was inspired by the wonderful life that I still want to lead and by my great desire to raise my children.  Every pain I felt and hard thing I encountered was just a hurdle in the way of my goal. 

I guess this one is technically another hurdle, I am just struggling with it because I am no longer fighting cancer.  I am here because of a Dr.'s mistake...and something about that makes this hospitalization much harder.  I was admitted a week ago...and each day has been painful for several different reasons.

I wish I could suspend my blog and allow no readers until things are going better.(because I hate being/feeling so negative)  I can't wait to be able to share stories of cherished time spent with my kids or of me feeling better and enjoying my new lease on life.  Thanks for bearing with me.  This too shall pass...

The woun

My motto lately

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on!!!"   ~Thomas Jefferson

(I am trying SO hard to hold on...)

You won't believe where I am!

The Hospital!  I was admitted last Friday after a series of tests and my 10th ct scan for the month.  Here's the scoop. Saturday marked two weeks of me being home from the hospital in Spokane.  Usually in that time I should have been able to start healing and gaining strength.  The opposite had been happening with me.  I got the flu that first week which was torture  (imagine vomiting over 50 times with hundreds of fresh stiches in your stomach!!)   It HURT...but also brough on a fever and increased pain.  The fever continued over a week and the pain got to a point to where I was unable to get out of  my bed except when necessary.  Out of desperation, I went to the ER and got a full battery of tests run and another ct.  It revealed that I had a large abcess below my incision from the last surgery.  I had been on antiobiotics but they aren't able to penetrate the abcess, so the infection was making me very sick. 

I was sent to a radiologist in the hosital who was supposed to insert a catether drain into the abcess  under the guidance of another live ct.  Well...HE MISSED and sent the catheter straight into my bowel.  So...I ended up being admitted into the hospital and had to have emergency surgery to fix my newly perforated bowel. 

Well, now I have had 7 surgeries since Jan of this year...plus chemo and everything else.  Needless to say, the surgeon wasn't able to stich me up because my skin, muscles, and tissues were so compromised from all of the other trauma and wouldn't hold.  So, right now I have an open wound in the center of my stomach (my core...that gets used constantly!!!).  They put a "wound vac" on it which is a pretty amazing technology that keeps my wound tissues fresh and slowly suctions them closed in hopes that they will heal closed.   It looks disgusting and requires a ton of home health care once I get released. I will have to wear it for at least a few weeks and will have to have the dressings changed every other day at my house.  They have told me that it is very painful and I am dreading it.  The first time for me will be tomorrow.  The Dr. also had to repair my bowel where the drain was "accidentally" inserted...and it was also pretty compromised.  I am in a high risk catagory for more complications, so please continue to keep me in your prayers. 

I can't believe I am writing this...  Actually, let me take that back.  I can't belive I am living this.  I pray that I can heal from this and that life will start to return to normal.  I don't know if I even remember what normal for my family is anymore...

Small steps forward...stumble back...breathe, repeat

Saturday marked me being home a week from the hospital.  It has definitely been a slower recovery than my other surgeries.  So much trauma to my body this year has disabled my system from bouncing back as qiuckly as we would usually expect.  I am counting my blessings everyday.  When I have more energy to sit in this hard chair and type, I will share them with you.  Once I get through these "bumps", my life should start to return slowly to our more "normal" family life.  I can't even tell you how excited I am for some of those most basic things.  I get tears in my eyes just thinking of them.

As an update, Friday night I was woke up by extreme pain in my abdomen. (yes..I have posted about this probably over 50 times in the last year).  It was isolated to my right side and hurt more than anything I have experienced OUTSIDE of the hospital...and I have been through a lot, so you must understand that the pain was intense.  It continued through the day Saturday, but I added a fever averaging 103 and vomiting.  That was also excruciating, because I vomited/dry heaved intermittently all of Saturday night and pulled I don't know how many layers of the stiching and repairs they have done in me.  I am worried...and don't even want to think about the damage that may have caused.  I got a blessing...prayed fervently...and debated forever whether to go to the ER or not.  I am getting to the point where I just would give anything to avoid Drs and most especially hospitals.  My girls had passed eachother a small bug where they each had a mild fever for a couple of hours and Addie had puked once...then immediately felt better.  I wondered if it might be that bug...just magnified strongly because of my weakened system.  Saturday morning, the excruciating pain was gone and the fever had broken.  I was relieved....until last night.  I ran a fever again all night.  It was a lower one of 101.7-9ish.  (I might should explain that fever/nausea are signs after huge surgeries of infection!!)  Instead of spending the day at the ER today, I am going to try to see if the cancer center will take my blood and do the pathology at least for initial testing.  It is easier there...and we'll see what happens after that. 

I broke down last night for another reason.  My girls have been pretty amazing and resilient this past year, but I think Aana hit her breaking point.  She just wanted to snuggle with my in my bed like we usually do a bit of everyday while reading together.  I have been too sore and untouchable since I came home, was gone over 2 weeks in the hospital prior, and you know all of the rest.  Last night she finally said, "Than just give me a fever MOM...make me sick...just let me lay here and be with you.  I NEED you..., I miss you...(and you get the drift from here.)  It broke my heart.  I hope she knows how badly I want to be me again.  I tried to comfort her and remind her of the amazing miracles and blessings we've incurred...but she is only 7 and was emotional.  The sobbing from her room broke my heart in half. Retelling it doesn't recapture the pain in her eyes or the intensity of the situation at the time...but it was a rough mom moment for me.

I've had better weeks, but I've most definitely had worse.  I am so determined to fight this fever, to gain strength, and start to live again!  My heart is so grateful that it is in my near future...I have learned a LOT of patience this year...this will pass quickly.  I will let you know the second that it does!  Sorry for the long post, but it is way shorter than the babbling earfulls of who knows what that people kindly listened to when they visited me in the hospital.  Narcotics seem to make me talk EVEN more than normal.  Have a great day everyone!!!

It is hard to believe...

that there is NO more cancer. 

I just had to write it again.  I am just so grateful!!!!  Our bodies and health are SUCH a gift...and I will never take mine for granted agan. 

Oh...where to start!

1 emergency surgery
8 blood transfusions
16 days in the hospital out of town
over 20 IV's
Countless shots
and more...But I am alive..healing, and there are no signs of cancer in my body!

That last surgery was unexpected and a doozie.  The first couple of days after were better than expected and I felt like it was going to be a smooth recovery...then I tanked.  I am still unsure of all that happened. I am just glad that I made it through and it is over.  I got home on Saturday night and have basically been sleeping since.

(The strangest part, is that I have been awake and functioning, but I am just realizing that I have absolutely NO memory of about two weeks of my life.  I really mean NONE...so I am sorry if I have been a bit out of it.  I know they have me on a lot of medicines, but this is my 6th surgery this year and I have never had anything like this happen. I don't remember my kids visiting, my birthday, or anything else for about 2 weeks while in the hospital.  It is a surreal feeling..)

Moving Forward

Sorry, I've been bad, but let me give you an update.  Shanda is slowly getting better each day.  Since my last post, she was doing great and then unfortunately took a few steps backwards in her recovery.  It seemed to correlate with the waking up of her bowels, of course we want her bowels to wake up and start functioning, but with that came severe pain and bloody stools, sorry to be graphic.  I hesitate to mention that but it explains why she received four units of blood within the past few days.  They have had to increase her pain meds and epidural to combat the pain, which in turn made her very loopy and sleepy.  Today we learned she has a bladder infection.... so now add IV antibiotics to the regimen of medications, poor girl, she has been through a lot.  The good thing is that she has had a lot of rest and is having bowel movements.  We thought there would be a chance that she would be out of the hospital by now, but we are probably looking at another week.  We are very hopeful and are reminded daily that the results of the surgery were very positive and now she just has to heal and get better.  SHE WILL.

Shanda is awesome and I'm so proud of her.  She is going through the worst HELL, I can't imagine.
I love her so much.

more info

Here we are with another update.  Funny story to start off, when we first saw Shanda for the first time right after her long surgery, she had a IVs and tubes coming out of everywhere, and bless her heart, just looked miserable, and the first thing she said to us "I'm so sorry, I can't and don't want to talk at all, I'm just going to do a lot of listening."  Well, that lasted about five minutes.  All she wants to do is talk, she talks to all the nurses, all the patients in the hallway, EVERYBODY... I guess even a big surgery can't change a person.  She likes to talk about all the things she wants to do when she heals... tennis, her girls, walking, family, testimony, friends, prayers ... list goes on and on.... anyway, I thought that was funny. She is by far the youngest person on the floor, and she has already made a ton of friends, and even has some walking buddies.  She just brings a smile to people's faces when she talks to them, it's awesome.

She does a lot of walking,(30 laps around the floor just yesterday) which is great... we are trying to get her bowels moving, so she can start eating and drinking.  We use a lot of wet swabs to quench her thirst.  She is so thirsty, I feel so bad.  Her Birthday is Tuesday, and all she wants for her birthday is a sip of cold water.  We have high hopes. She has this miserable looking tube that goes up her nose and down her throat.  SHE HATES IT, and I don't blame her.  She is also hoping that gets removed by her birthday.

Right now she is in the middle of getting a blood transfusion because of the ravages of the surgeries and chemo, it is much needed.  She also gets steroids to help with the inflammation.  Her room is a happy room, Sheralee (her mother) has done a fantastic job decorating it.  I think it really makes a big difference.

We just couldn't be more happy with the progress she has made.  It makes my eyes just water thinking about it.  Thanks again for all your love.

Here are some picture, and just so you know, Shanda did give me permission.

Shanda and her mom just before her surgery

Day after her surgery.  Shanda and my parents.

Shanda, her dad, and father-in-law on her many walks

Shanda getting blood and holding her drainage pouch, sorry if too graphic

All Smiles!!!!

I want to do a better at updating Shanda's condition this time around, so here we go.  Shanda is doing awesome, her spirits are very high, it seems like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders.  She hardly got any sleep last night, everytime a nurse came in, she just wanted to talk and share the good news.  She talk and talked about how she has the biggest support group in the world, all the countless prayers that have been offered in her behalf, and how blessed she is.  I can't get her to close her eyes.  It's kind of funny, I think we are going to have to give her sleeping pills .  Don't get me wrong, she will be in the hospital for awhile, but what a difference already from six months ago when we were here.  The battle isn't over, but yesterday sure was a victory. 
I am so proud of Shanda, what an amazing, strong women she is.  She has been through hell and taken it like a champ.  What an inspiration she has been.  I love her so much. 
I want to thank everybody for all your support and prayers.  It truly brings tears to my eyes to think of the wonderful acts of kindness shown to my family and Shanda.  Thank you.  I will keep everybody updated.

Post Surgery

Thank you!!!! You heard our prayers! tears of joy. Just received news from the Doctor -- Shanda has no visible signs of cancer!!!!!!! She has a pronounced inflamation of the bowel and the lining of the abdomen. She has serositis (tissue that lines the abdomen that is inflamed and weeping) They removed one ovary and a section of the bowel that was twisted and attached to the abdominal wall. No need of doing Hipec(Heated Chemo) at this time!!!!!!!! She is still in surgery but the doctor came and updated us. The joy we feel is incredible! Thank You so much for your prayers, what a blessing.

My cup is FULL...

My eyes are FULL of tears, my hearts is FULL of love, and my cup runneth over...  if that makes any sense at all.  Never in my life have I seen, felt, or witnessed such an outpouring of love and concern.  You (my friends all over) have been so kind to me.  I treasure your cards, letters, flowers, and comments on this blog.  I know I go into this surgery with a huge support system and your strength magnifies my own.  Your faith brings me so much comfort...and your kindness helps me to know that the fight is all worth it.  I feel so humbled, weak, and unworthy of the kind things you have shared with me and about me...but I am so grateful as well.  Thank you for being in my life and for the unique roles each of you play in my life.  Some of you are friends of old, some I haven't seen in years, some are from one of my many moves, from school, from church, some are my family, and some of you are newer treasured friends that have entered my life through various means.  To all of you I am grateful and I feel as though the Lord blesses me through each of you.  You have acted as instruments in his hands...and have answered many of my prayers over this last year.  Thank you!

My surgery is scheduled to start around 12:30 pm on Friday.  Depending on what the Dr. finds, it could be a very long afternoon.  It is just the only place he could fit me in his schedule to get me in quickly.  Larry or my mom will blog and post the updates as I come out .  They are very concerned that the cancer has spread, but I am not going to go there unless it happens.  We will see...and you will know as soon as we do.  I am worried about many things entering this, but feel so much comfort at the same time.  I am at peace with this part of the process...and I hope that this will be a means to healing and health.  I am trying so hard not to focus on the physical pain that I will soon endure...I can do it!  I will do it!  Here I go!!!

Irony...

This is NOT a flattering picture, but I wanted to show you what is going on.  The black dress masks it a bit and makes it smaller that it actually is, but I think you get the idea. 

The irony in this is that I LOOK pregnant on the week that I will be losing all ability to have more children.  In truth, this breaks my heart, but I am always trying to maintain humor and this has struck me as somewhat funny. 

These look like maternity photos, but they are just unflattering pictures of me with about 6 or more liters of fluid in my stomach.  Just picture a before of me with a very flat, SIX PACK...and this is the after. :) (more humor..., ha, ha!)

The Good news

I was able to shower today and am not connected to my constant infusion pump.  I think I am done with IV chemo for now.  That is one thing that brings a HUGE smile to my face.  Today there was also a double rainbow outside my house.   I spent good quality time with my girls today...I made dinner for my family...and I am exhausted.  It was a good day.  I saw that many friends all over the country are fasting for me and I can't help but feel  peace being whispered to my heart. 

Another curve ball...but maybe I should expect them now~

I got a call from my surgical oncologist last night after he had a phone conference with my oncologist.  Apparently, neither of them have ever seen a patient with the symptoms/reactions that I have had.  Theydecided that I need another surgery to get in and fully understand what is going on.  My CT scan showed ususual things that they aren't able to explain and it seems likely that the culprit is spreading cancer.  The soonest they can get me in is next friday.  I will have to be fully opened up again and will have a hysterectomy in addition to basically repeating the "mother of all surgeries" that I had earlier this year.  The Dr. is also planning to repeat the heated chemo.   My understanding is that I am the only patient in the world that will have had this procedure done twice in one year.  I am terrified... both of what I have to do...and of what they will find!  There are so many thoughts running through my mind...

My fear is that I am not as strong as I was in march when I had that other huge surgery.  I barely made it last time and was found dead in my room because of an overdose of anesthesia.  Since then, my body has been poisoned, weakened, and horribly ravaged.  I don't know how I am going to get through another.  Much has changed since that...and it was BRUTAL then.  I have flashbacks of the moments that I endured once and prayed that I would never have to repeat.  I ask you to please focus your prayers on giving insight to my doctors...that they will know how to treat me.  I pray that I will be able to do what is needed of me.  I will be missing Aana's first day of school, my birthday, and Addie's first day of preschool.  Sept. 2nd will also mark one year of me living in hospitals and being so ill.  I can't wait until I can LOOK BACK on this.  That will mean it will be all over.  I keep thinking I will wake up and my life will return to what it used to be...and the nightmare will be over.

I like to look for Rainbows...

I love that line from a song my daughters sing to me...and it has been in my head today.  Life is full of trials, both great and small, but it is also full of rainbows.  I am embarrassed because I have reread several of my last blog posts and it seems as though I have focused only on the negative aspects of my life right now.  I do not want to neglect mentioning the beauty that surrounds me each day.  Never in my life have I felt so much LOVE, tenderness, support, kindness, or caring.  I am richly blessed with friends, both old and new.  Fighting cancer has given me perspective and enhanced clarity in areas where I was unsure before.  I have met people and been able to bond with them in ways that I am not sure I would have been able to previously.  It is almost like my heart is more open and so are those of the people around me.  I consider myself and my family richly blessed.  I apologize for not sharing that more in my ramblings.

Drained again...

Yesterday I spent the whole day again at the hospital getting another ct scan and getting the fluid draned again out of my abdomen.  It had returned very quickly from when I had it drained on Friday night.  I should take a picture and post it.  It truly looks like I am 5 months pregnant and is hard as a rock.  The doctors are all stumped and can't figure out the cause.  Drainig the fluid hurts BAD...and I think I will lose it if I have to do it again this week.  I don't want to look or feel like this for the rest of my life.  I pray an answer will come soon and that there is a solution.

I am also unsure if the doctors will be continuing my chemo or not because of all of the adverse side effects and reactions that are occurring.  I will find out more next tuesday when I have another appointment.

I am reminded very strongly of the things that matter in life...and the things that just DON'T!  My hair and my body for example. I would gladly trade them both for good health!  I have sacrificed so much already but would still give more just to feel good and be able to return to my regular activities. (laundry, cooking, taking care of my girls, being a taxi for practices, etc.)

Some answers, but more questions!

I spent the day at the cancer ctr again today awaiting results from the pathology of the fluid they extracted from my abdomen on Friday night.  They aren't all back yet, but so far there has been no sign of malignant cancer in the fluid...which is a relief. 

The only problem is, that there are many other ways that the cancer could manifest, and the Dr. is worried there might be a tumor blocking the flow to/from my liver.  It could also be that my organs are just worn out...and are weeping.  (I would explain that more like crying... they have been through so much this year!)  The Dr. found that I am having a systemic histamine reaction as well...and that my blood pressure has skyrocketed even more.  My vision is now so blurry that I can hardly focus well enough to see anything.  I don't have to look while typing, so I am hoping this makes sense, because I can't see the screen.

I have to go get drained agan at 9am and have yet another ct scan in the afternoon.  Another day of fasting, poking, waiting, trying to maintain a calmness...and trying not to fall apart.  I look about 5 months pregnant right now...and it is so strange, because it just appeared one day.  My poor body...

Just because I hadn't already had enough...

This week I have spent over 20 hours at the cancer center between infusions, getting iv rehydration, etc.  I went in yesterday and showed them my stomach.  It looked like I was pregnant but appeared over a 3 day span.  They sent me to the hospital for imaging and found that I had Ascites, which is the accumulation of fluid in the abdominal cavity.  I ended up in the ER getting a procedure where they insert a very long, thick needle that punctures the skin and abdominal wall...then a catheter goes through and drains the liquid.  They were able to drain a liter and a half for now and will send it off to get the pathology tested.  We are PRAYING very hard that it is just from irritation from all of the HELL (sorry for the crude word) that my abdomen has been through, but there is a chance that it is malignant ascites and that it will be an indication of cancer spreading.  I am SO NERVOUS...and can't rest until I know the results.  Please keep praying...specifically that this is not cancerous.  My poor body is getting worn out...from all of the attempted treatments.  I am not sure how much  more I can take.  Thanks again for listening.  And thanks to those that helped me with my kids and rides yesterday.  I am so grateful for wonderful support!

this one has been rough

I vomited, and vomited, and "other unmentionable things", and vomited...this week and have been back getting IV fluids trying to rehydrate me.  Now my stomach is swollen and is hard as a rock...and tender.  I am not sure what is going on, but I don't like it.  I'd give anything to have my "worst" day from last year...and would never complain again.  I am so grateful for all the support and I will weather this trial, but I am getting tired of it!  Days like this I just want to crawl into my bed and wake up in a couple of months. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone!

I had another round of Chemo today....

And I am SO SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I have been having problems with my kidneys caused by one of the chemo drugs, Avastin, so today they couldn't give me that drug.  They are worried because I am still so dehydrated.  My husband tells me how simple that is to fix..."just drink more!"  If it were only that easy...(the more I drink, the more I vomit...the more I vomit, the more dehydrated I get...and the cycle continues!)  I begged the dr. to review my information and commit to a date when my chemo will be over.  He promised me that he would let me know by the end of the week.  I want to plan a CHEMO free vacation...and I think knowing when the end is will help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.   I still have my fanny pack pump, and my port site is getting very sore and irritated from being constantly accessed by a needle.  My hands are hurting pretty bad right now as I type, so I am signing off.  Thanks for listening!