Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Small steps forward...stumble back...breathe, repeat

Saturday marked me being home a week from the hospital.  It has definitely been a slower recovery than my other surgeries.  So much trauma to my body this year has disabled my system from bouncing back as qiuckly as we would usually expect.  I am counting my blessings everyday.  When I have more energy to sit in this hard chair and type, I will share them with you.  Once I get through these "bumps", my life should start to return slowly to our more "normal" family life.  I can't even tell you how excited I am for some of those most basic things.  I get tears in my eyes just thinking of them.

As an update, Friday night I was woke up by extreme pain in my abdomen. (yes..I have posted about this probably over 50 times in the last year).  It was isolated to my right side and hurt more than anything I have experienced OUTSIDE of the hospital...and I have been through a lot, so you must understand that the pain was intense.  It continued through the day Saturday, but I added a fever averaging 103 and vomiting.  That was also excruciating, because I vomited/dry heaved intermittently all of Saturday night and pulled I don't know how many layers of the stiching and repairs they have done in me.  I am worried...and don't even want to think about the damage that may have caused.  I got a blessing...prayed fervently...and debated forever whether to go to the ER or not.  I am getting to the point where I just would give anything to avoid Drs and most especially hospitals.  My girls had passed eachother a small bug where they each had a mild fever for a couple of hours and Addie had puked once...then immediately felt better.  I wondered if it might be that bug...just magnified strongly because of my weakened system.  Saturday morning, the excruciating pain was gone and the fever had broken.  I was relieved....until last night.  I ran a fever again all night.  It was a lower one of 101.7-9ish.  (I might should explain that fever/nausea are signs after huge surgeries of infection!!)  Instead of spending the day at the ER today, I am going to try to see if the cancer center will take my blood and do the pathology at least for initial testing.  It is easier there...and we'll see what happens after that. 

I broke down last night for another reason.  My girls have been pretty amazing and resilient this past year, but I think Aana hit her breaking point.  She just wanted to snuggle with my in my bed like we usually do a bit of everyday while reading together.  I have been too sore and untouchable since I came home, was gone over 2 weeks in the hospital prior, and you know all of the rest.  Last night she finally said, "Than just give me a fever MOM...make me sick...just let me lay here and be with you.  I NEED you..., I miss you...(and you get the drift from here.)  It broke my heart.  I hope she knows how badly I want to be me again.  I tried to comfort her and remind her of the amazing miracles and blessings we've incurred...but she is only 7 and was emotional.  The sobbing from her room broke my heart in half. Retelling it doesn't recapture the pain in her eyes or the intensity of the situation at the time...but it was a rough mom moment for me.

I've had better weeks, but I've most definitely had worse.  I am so determined to fight this fever, to gain strength, and start to live again!  My heart is so grateful that it is in my near future...I have learned a LOT of patience this year...this will pass quickly.  I will let you know the second that it does!  Sorry for the long post, but it is way shorter than the babbling earfulls of who knows what that people kindly listened to when they visited me in the hospital.  Narcotics seem to make me talk EVEN more than normal.  Have a great day everyone!!!

10 comments:

Natalie said...

Shanda, you are so tough and brave. Sweet Anna, I am sure, has grown a lot, and is going to be such a compassionate girl. That would be heart breaking to hear her say that. Stay strong, keep smiling and know our prayers are with you and your family. Thanks for keeping us posted!

Carol said...

Your little one will understand someday what you have gone through and ho you long for her too. Hang in there you are going to get through this. I think going to the cancer center first instead of ER is a good choice. I hope to hear from you again. I ill be over Sunday and I sure hope to meet you.

Auna Leigh said...

my sweet shanda! my heart breaks for you and Aana, but what a sweet moment the two of you won't ever forget. sometimes we just need our Moms and a snuggle. I am so sorry you are so ill. I continue to pray for you and your sweet family!!! we love you and miss you terribly!

Lexie said...

Oh Shanda, poor Aana and poor you. It breaks my heart because you have both done such a great job of being brave and strong throught his whole process and sometimes we do just have a little moment where we need to complain or cry, but I'm sure it was heartbreaking to see her face. Just remember that you are fighting a great WINNING battle so you can spend even more time with her, better time, active time and cuddle time. Keep up the great work and keep us posted, I hope the Cancer Center can help you figure out what's wrong.

Aly G said...

Oh Shanda! I am so so sorry for all that you have and are going through still! You are seriously my hero! I can't imagine. Reading that about Aana about broke my heart. I am sure she is so ready for her momma back! She is such a sweetheart tell her Hadley & her mommy say hi! GET better!! Take it easy and know we are praying for you and thinking of you everyday!!
Luvs!!!!!!!!!!

Tracey said...

Even as a toddler it was clear that Aana was special and had a sensitive soul. Good for her to be able to identify her feelings and to express her needs and emotions. It shows the depth of the relationship you share with her and the amount of effort you have put in to keeping her close. She is so lucky to have you. I can only imagine how badly you want to take away her pain. She knows how much you love her and in the end that is all that she'll remember. You are amazing, keep getting stronger!

Sarajane said...

I am not sure you even know me, but Rob and Larry went to school together- and I have been reading your blog. You are amazing. For sure I can't begin to understand what your life has been like this last year. Thanks for sharing your story, it makes me more grateful for the many blessings in my life. And helps me realize what really matters. So thanks, and we are thinking/ prying for you and your family.

The Person Family said...

Shanda, I'm glad you're home and I continue to pray that you will get stronger. Your girls will understand one day, but I'm sure it isn't easy to hear Aana so sad. I hope everyone and everything only continues to get better.

Laurene said...

I read this post yesterday morning and was so disheartened for you and your family that I didn't know what to say. I just felt choked up most of the day. I hope and pray that today is going a lot better for you! We have not stopped hoping and praying for your recovery and continue daily to look here for updates.

Tracey said...

I hope you're feeling a bit better and that the fever and intense pain are lessening... please keep us posted!