I came home from the hospital a week ago and I am dissapointed to say that I have made no progress. I am stuck right now. I was getting worse earlier in the week because of rampant fevers and infection, but got new medicines last friday that should help. I am no longer slipping backwards, but am feeling frustrated that I am not moving forward either. I can't tell you how hard it is to have weeks slip away where you haven't been able to participate in life. Please note: This hasn't even been a fraction of as long as the other times I have been laid up, but after all of them, I am just done being bedriden...and I'm SO ready to heal. I wish I had more control over my body right now, but I DON'T. These times where I feel so powerless are those that allow me to communicate so honestly with my maker. He has been beside me each step of my life..but I have recognized his presence so strongly as my health has failed.
This morning I was feeling down when my girls were going off to school in mismatched outfits and crazy hair. It takes so little energy just to pick out clothes and fix their hair, but I didn't even have that much. I wanted to shower, but I am just too weak...and I was just hurting...every part of my body seems to be hurting. I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself wondering why I had to do this again... and then it was over. I was overwhelmed with what I could best explain as a ray of sunshine. It put a smile on my face and reminded me to keep that smile. Smiling along each step of the journey is what has allowed me to get through all the hell of the last to years. This surgery and recover is ROUGH...but nothing compared to what I've been through. I just think my body is tired. So, I gave it a pep talk...and my smile is back and bigger than ever. I am making post it notes of postivie affirmations for my bedroom... and I'm counting my blessings that this soon will be over. Already I feel stronger..and I am at least out of bed and sitting at the computer writing this.