Monday, October 10, 2011

I can do this...

I came home from the hospital a week ago and I am dissapointed to say that I have made no progress.  I am stuck right now.  I was getting worse earlier in the week because of rampant fevers and infection, but got new medicines last friday that should help.  I am no longer slipping backwards, but am feeling frustrated that I am not moving forward either.  I can't tell you how hard it is to have weeks slip away where you haven't been able to participate in life.  Please note: This hasn't even been a fraction of as long as the other times I have been laid up, but after all of them, I am just done being bedriden...and I'm SO ready to heal.  I wish I had more control over my body right now, but I DON'T.  These times where I feel so powerless are those that allow me to communicate so honestly with my maker.  He has been beside me each step of my life..but I have recognized his presence so strongly as my health has failed. 

This morning I was feeling down when my girls were going off to school in mismatched outfits and crazy hair.  It takes so little energy just to pick out clothes and fix their hair, but I didn't even have that much.  I wanted to shower, but I am just too weak...and I was just hurting...every part of my body seems to be hurting.  I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself wondering why I had to do this again... and then it was over.  I was overwhelmed with what I could best explain as a ray of sunshine.  It put a smile on my face and reminded me to keep that smile.  Smiling along each step of the journey is what has allowed me to get through all the hell of the last to years.  This surgery and recover is ROUGH...but nothing compared to what I've been through.  I just think my body is tired.  So, I gave it a pep talk...and my smile is back and bigger than ever.  I am making post it notes of postivie affirmations for my bedroom... and I'm counting my blessings that this soon will be over.  Already I feel stronger..and I am at least out of bed and sitting at the computer writing this.

9 comments:

Laurene said...

The control you have over your attitude is a HUGE STRENGTH that all of us admire and learn from daily. When I went in for surgery on my face last March I prepared myself mentally by being positive and cheerful. If I had not gotten to know you through your blog posts I would have gone in with my usual tensed up worry wart mind set. It made a world of difference in how I felt inside and in the healing process. I found things to laugh about and smile at. I feel so very bad for you that you are where you are again but I am also cheered that you are like the unsinkable Molly Brown and when you are down it's for brief spells. I hope and pray that your patience continues and that each day will find you stronger physically than the previous.

Aly G said...

Shanda, I just want you to know that you are such an example. I know I have said it before, but I so mean that. Most would have given up long ago, but you have such amazing faith and such a great positive outlook on life and you KNOW you can beat this and with your positive determination you will!! Did that make any sense?;) Your little girls are so lucky to have wonder woman as their mother! Don't worry what they look like...even if they are mismatched they are Sooo stinking beautiful it doesn't even matter! I hope you are feeling okay tonite! Thinking/Praying so much for you guys! Give those girls hugs and tell Aana that Hadley is going to be sending something special! XoXo

Melanie said...

Shanda,

I think you are amazing! I stumbled onto your blog and have kept you in my prayers. I can't imagine how you must feel on a daily basis. It looks like you have a lot of love in your life and a lot to be grateful for. Once again I think you are amazing and Gods strength is made perfect in your weaknesses. You're an overcomer!

Kelly said...

Not going backwards a is a huge step! Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!

The Person Family said...

You are amazing, Shanda. How is it that you're making ME feel better (and a feel a little silly about my worries)... :) You CAN do this!!! Heavenly Father will always put his arms around you and your family. We love you. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Halfords said...

I've been thinking so much about you!! You CAN do this!!

Iris said...

Shanda! Hi! You are so amazing hang in there! Hope things are going better now. John had to go back for 5 days but got to bring him home last night. A small blockage. Missed your smiling face! Glad it is at home still and hope things are looking up! You and your girls look soooo happy! Will try and get a picture of John & I for you this weekend. Your strength is such an inspiration to us will help along the way. Keeping you in our prayers! ((HUGS))

Unknown said...

So I stumbled onto your blog. My best friend passed away one month and one day ago from cancer (fibrosarcoma). Reading through some of your stories brought back some good memories. Although most of them took place in hospitals hooked up to IV's and machines, they remind me that there is always away to find joy in the journey. Thanks for sharing your story!!

PalsRWe said...

Shanda, Wow Mama what a powerful post. Love your strong, powerful, positive attitude.. Praying for you to gain the strength and comfort that you need, and no more achy bones or muscles, And continuing to pray that you can always find the comfort and love from our Heavenly Father, and the peace and inspiration that you need to keep it together and continue to heal minute by minute. Love u to Pieces.. Thinking of of u and all your great ideas as I prepare a Fabulous Friday for my ward...