Living it up and facing fears...

 The last year and a half of my life, fear has been such a HUGE part of my life.  Not that I dwell on it, but there is a mean cycle of scary "what if's" that can occur with a cancer diagnosis.  What they find more?  What if they can't remove it?  What if the chemo doesn't work?  What if this surgery ends up as bad as the last one? What if I dont make it?  What if my girls lose their mom? What if..what if..what if? (even lame things like...what if I end up in the hospital and someone has to come take care of my kids and finds my house in such a mess?)  I am always trying to push back the what if's and focus my attention on the awesome things going on around me each day.  I try to listen to every word, enjoy every conversation, savor every laugh, remember every little gesture and expression, internalize the feeling of every hug.  I used to live a very FULL and busy life...and I still do, but now I slow down to notice things so much more meaningful to me (even just in the simple, daily routine.)

I have learned to embrace my fears, but not let them control me.  I have watched some people allow their fears to limit the potential of their lives...and I refuse to do that.  Yes, I am scared...truthfully terrified at what might occur.  I own that...but I don't focus on that at all.  I am overwhelmed by the blessings each day brings and find peace in the hope that I have.  I hope I can mantain that perspective.

On a separate note: We just came back from a fun cruise with my in-laws and many of my husband's siblings.  I pushed back my surgery to be able to go and wasn't sure I was going to make it because of pain.  I ended up giving in and getting help.  I don't like pain meds because I have seen so many people get addicted...so I usually avoid them.  I needed to go and have fun for my kids..and the meds made that possible.

We had a wonderful time and made awesome memories.  It was the perfect thing to do before the next surgery.  It was an extention of my new focus on LIVNG.  My husband and I faced fears of a lesser type...but we parasailed (I am terribly afraid of heights.)...and we both sang karaoke (which is NOT our thing.).  Random, I know...but they were two new experiences we can say we did.  My kids both parasailed also...which was awesome.  My 4 year old was fear less and wanted to hang upside-down in her harness.  We danced,ATE, saw Dolphins, snorkeled, ATE, swam, played, went to a water park, watched fun shows, played games, entered funny tournaments on the boat, ATE, laughed, and much more.  It was a great trip.  We even rented a car and went to see the home my husband grew up in on our way to the airport going home.  We crammed fun into every minute possible.  It was perfect!  

Aana got picked out of the audience to help with the dolophin show.



Almost all of Larry's immediate family

Crazy Cousins that made the trip so FUN for my kids!



All of us that went on the cruise on a water taxi going snorkeling.





My Mother In Law and Some Sis in Laws