Monday, May 24, 2010

Feeling the weight of HEAVY Decisions

I have had a hard time blogging lately.  One reason is because typing hurts my hands (as strange as that sounds!) This round I have had quite a bit more of muscular and nerve problems and my hands have even started to freeze and not work for several minutes at a time.  Yet again... the Drs. are unsure what is causing this and tell me that none of their other patients have this response.  I have been slightly terrified, because functioning hands are a crucial part of my daily life!  I hope this is something that will go away...(SOON!)

I also have struggled finishing a blog post because I haven't been sure what to say.  I want so badly to be able to say, "things are improving..." and be able to show you through my words the immense HOPE that I have in my heart.  But the truth is, the day after I wrote the last post...things got pretty rough.  All of the symptoms worsened and have threatened everything.  I have been in bed, unable to move, eat much, or drink...almost all week.  I have gone in each day for IV fluids to try to stay hydrated, but keep getting more and more sick with each day.  I have met with the best doctors in the area and they are trying but genuinely DON'T know what to do.  Thursday night I spent the night in complete misery, pain, exhaustion, and tears...and the doctor called from out of town the next morning.  She said that she was just worried about me and felt like she should call.  When I explained more of what is going on...she asked me to quit taking the oral chemo that I still had 5 more doses of for this round.  They just aren't comfortable with how my body is reacting and there are NO medicines left we haven't tried.

So I find myself at a FORK in the road... Do I force the doctors to continue my chemo so that I know I have done everything...or do I relax and know that I am fighting this battle the best my body can?  It is HARD having such a huge decision that could change the course of EVERYTHING for my little family.  It is weighing VERY heavy on my mind...

10 comments:

Patt and Duke said...

Shanda, no matter what, I feel your strength and will to fight coming through your post. My heart hurts to hear about your difficulties with your treatment and I wish there was some words of wisdom that I could impart to you based off my experience to help give you some guidance. However all I can say is for you to stay strong, stay focused, and above all else, STAY POSITIVE! Do not EVER give up hope. I know that when the time comes, you will make the right decision that is best for YOU and your family. Rely on your faith, and you will get through this! My thoughts are with you always and again, I would love to come visit with you.

With much love,
Patt, Duke & Gannon

Renee' Dezember said...

Just keep pushing forward...you will make the best decision as you know that lord is standing right beside you...you know that I am always here...just a phone call away and I will drop everything for you. Stay strong...remain positve and remember giving up HOPE is not an option :) Love ya!

Lexie said...

Shanda,
I'm so sorry. Decisions like those seem so huge at the time, it reminds me of Pres. Hinckley's talk about working at a switchpouint when he worked at the railroad. Like him, I know that Heavenly Father is at those points with us and will help you make the right decision for you and your family.
Saturday we were at the National Archives and I saw a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that reminded me of you. Online I can find it in bits and pieces only, but here is the best I could do to put together what I remember:
I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Shanda, you are doing something that, if I were in your shoes, I would think I could not, but you are looking fear in the face and making decisions based on hope, faith, and eternal promises. Our prayers are with you as you do this yet again. Much Love!

Andrea J said...

It's amazing what you are capable of, I know you'll come to the right decision and that relief is just around the corner. Stay strong Shanda, you're so capable.

Natalie said...

Shanda, I am PRAYING for you! You are one special lady. I know the Lord loves you! Be strong, and when you are too tired and sick, know there are many who are strengthening you with prayers and thoughts!

Tracey said...

Shanda,
I know it's been said a million times but you truly are amazing. I can't even imagine how hard it is to make a decision like this but I know you have the courage, faith and ability to make it. The Lord loves you, he loves your family and he will help you with whatever you need. He can't take away the pain but he can give you the strength you need to deal with it. We will continue to add our prayers to those of others and hope you will feel the strong spirit of the Lord with you.

Kelly said...

I have complete confidence that you will make the best decision for you. Please talk to as many doctors as you can. Don't rely on your doctors to do this for you. Good luck. I'll email you.
Kel

Lolo said...

I wish I could think of something to say that expresses what I feel in my heart, but all I'm able to put into words is that I love you and your family. Please know how much you are loved.
loralee

Auna Leigh said...

Shanda! All I can say is, hold on. You can and will win! Remember, you are amazing! I am praying for you. You are always in my thoughts! We love to drop in and say "hey" if you ever feel like company. I am sure Larry wouldn't mind a Craig fix. Remember that time we played catch phrase and I didn't know "that" word! You just laughed and thought i was a big dork! which I am! think magically thoughts and dream of a white sandy beach vacation awaiting us in the near future! Love you Shanda! Thanks for teaching me SO much about faith, courage and LOVE!

Kim and Thad said...

I was thinking of you today. My heart aches for your situation. I pray that Heavenly Father grants you the wisdom that you are seeking and grants you some healing moments along the way to make the tougher times a little easier to bear. We love you Shanda! Our prayers are with you!