Some of my inspiration

I found her in the morning like this...she slept ALL night with her Mickey Mouse ears on.  When I asked her why....she said she LOVED our trip to Disneyland and how we went as a family and it made her so HAPPY!  I loved that trip too.... and she makes ME happy!

Reminder of FREE home depot clinic

My girls and I love doing these and have gone for years...the kids get a home depot apron, a pin for each project, and have a blast!  We always come home and paint them and sometimes use them as gifts.  They are the first Sat. of the month at Home depot and start at 9 am.  Here is the project for tomorrow morning!

Bowel preps are fun to do...fun to do...to do, to do!

Or NOT!!!  Today, I went in for bloodwork at 8, a dr appt at 9, and was supposed to have chemo after that.  Because of my ongoing symptoms from they still can't do my next round until I feel better.  I was dissapointed, because they got several test results back and can't identify a reason why I still feel the way that I do.  They sent me to another GI doctor who immediately put me on a bowel prep for a morning colonoscopy. (By the way...this is my 4th bowel prep in 4 months....I am becoming an expert)  The last time I did this, Larry found me blacked out with a bruised face on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night.  Maybe he will have to keep better watch tonight.  (PS- if you don't know what a bowel prep is...clear liquid diet with a TON of laxatives in a short period of time!)  And I am not sure what they are even going to look at...I have had parts of my colon and bowels removed twice now...what's left?  (Is that too much information?)

Right now, my main focus is to feel better...so I can do chemo.  I can't beat cancer unless I can fight it... That is now the focus of my prayers.  Maybe tomorrow, I will get answers. :)  I can't sit in th kitchen and keep typing... I have to think...I LOVE clear liquids...this other food doesn't look good at all!

I remember when...

This blog was a place to share fun pictures of the kids, our adventures, an other antics.  I am sorry it has now turned into a reporting on the darn C word... and it's effects on MY family.

My kids are still my treasures and we still have fun together.  It just doesn't seem like the camera is ever around...and the events are now SO simple, that they hardly seem worthy of report.  But as I sit here...I realize that they are...and they are beautiful moments just as important as the ones I thought to mention before.  (Perspective...  I am gaining more each day! )  Thanks for listening...

Today...

-I am craving chocolate (so that must be a sign that I might start feeling better!)

-I was able to go to the first hour of church 
-I painted my toenails.  (small accomplishments are so meaningful lately!)

And I chopped my hair last week.  Not a great picture, but since I was actually dressed, I figured I would snap one.  My hair has been falling out pretty bad lately.  Luckily it was very thick to start with!

Some GOOD news!

I just found out this week that our insurance OFFICIALLY paid for my HUGE surgery!  We hoped they would but several patients have been denied payment because it is still considered somewhat "experimental."  For me it was crucial...lifesaving...and necessary, so we would have done it no matter what.  I am so glad, though...that they are picking up the tab.  You should see the pile of bills I have....AMAZING!!!  I am grateful for our health insurance at this time!

But I was just drawing FLOWERS

Today was a VERY embarrassing parenting moment. 

...today I found out while I was at the cancer center, that Addie and a friend's daughter drew (scratched)  "flowers" with rocks all down the side of her car (about 5 feet) while she was buckling her baby in the car seat on the other side.  My heart sunk...    Speechless!

MY body HATES chemo... and is punishing ME!

Without going into to detail, I will just tell you that the last 2 weeks have been pretty horrible.  Some days I didn't even come downstairs and stayed in my bed all day because of the pain in my stomach and other things going on.  I couldn't eat or drink...or it made me pretty miserable as well.  It created a pretty bad cycle that hasn't ended.  My oncologists are working to try to figure out the problem.  It might be a genetic thing that is rare (but SO is appendiceal cancer...my odds are amazing!) but if I carry this gene, it makes my body not be able to tolerate this type of chemo.  I don't know what to be hoping for.  I don't want more problems, but I am hopeful for answers...

It was supposed to be ROUND 2 today, but they postponed it a week due to my severe dehydration and continuing symptoms. (please don't ask me what they are...just trust me, they are NOT pleasant and are NOT typical for this treatment)  Chemo isn't fun and carries several symptoms which I am also experiencing, but they are usually tolerable.  I am hopeful that they can figure out what is wrong and get my dosage sorted out.  So they gave me 2 hours worth of IV fliuds and boosted some things in my blood via infusion and we are delaying a week for my next dose.  I am relieved!

Thank you for your continued support, thoughts, kindness, and prayers!

I can't end like that...

That last post seemed miserable...and I am, but I couldn't rest without adding how grateful for I am for the MANY abundant blessings that are also in  my life.  Even though my days have changed drastically...I see beauty in each day.  Though I lay in bed constantly... I am blessed to hear my girls giggling, I can read the kind cards and mail I receive, I feel the Savior's arms around me in comfort, I can see the sun through the windows... I am grateful for the many hands and hearts that work and pray tirelessly in my behalf...

I am very blessed!

I am not sure this is even MY body...

I have been procrastinating this post, because I was waiting for a turn around where I could report that I was feeling okay and optimistic! 

Plainly put...my body is not responding well to the chemo and I am having some severe reactions that are making each day, night, minute, etc...pretty miserable.  I can't eat or drink which has caused dehydration.  IV liquids yesterday lifted my energy a bit but pain and symptoms worsened overnight.  They are running all kinds of tests to identify the problem,but so far... we can't find an answer.  I might have some bacterial infection in my stomach caused from the chemo..I might be missing some critical enzyme, etc. 

All I know is...I have barely gotten ot of bed in days and I am pretty lifeless.  I hardly recognize my own body anymore...as all of the things I am used to feeling and doing are gone.  Chemo isn't supposed to be this bad and I am really hoping we can make get some answers before long.  I am sorry I can't post more positive news!!  My mom and others are now having to do ALL of my daily tasks and I can't tell you how hard that is.  The thought of six more months of this does't sound too appealing right now.

Yesterday...(no Beatles lyrics will follow, sorry)

I was supposed to start chemo, but when I got there, they sent me to the hospital for a dye test to check to make sure my port and the catheters were placed right.   I have been having a lot of pain in my neck, so they wanted to be sure before they pumped in a ton of chemo.  The dye test showed that I have a blood clot blocking the tip of the main catheter, so I spent the day in the hospital getting all kinds of medicines injected in to try to desolve the clot.  Nothing worked yesterday, but I go back in this morning to start my chemo and check to see if I need to have yet another surgery to replace my 6 DAY OLD port.   My luck lately isn't the best...

In case any of you wonder what the port is, it is this purple thing pictured agove and is implanted under your skin above your breast.  There are plastic tubes inserted up your neck that hook into a main vein that takes the medicine into the vena cava.  The second picture shows how they access the port to administer the chemo.  I am already nautious and nervous...but I'll let  you know how today goes.

Easter

1. 

It was a nice weekend at my house.  Usually Easter is full of alot of running around, but since I can't do that right now...we kept it simple, and it was nice.   Highlights for me are simple, but I have been so cut up and sore, I haven't been able to snuggle my girls in quite some time.  This weekend, I was able to lay on the couch and watch movies while holding my girls.  Sounds simple, but for me was HEALING! 

We also dyed eggs, played games, and I even made a SIMPLE meal for the family for Easter.  It really wasn't much, but I haven't been able to cook for my family in SO long...that it felt nice.  It helped me feel like I was contributing for a change.  Much of my time is spent needing people to take care of everything...it was nice to have a fleeting moment on the other end.   The girls had a great time finding eggs, playing with their baskets, and being together as a family.  Those moments are precious...and I was grateful to be a part of them.  I must admit, I was exhausted and went to sleep at 6pm.

I can't post about Easter without mentioning how grateful I am for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am humbled each time I think about his experience in Gesthemane and the sacrifice he willingly made for each of us.  The pain he felt, I can't even fathom.  He had to experience all of that, alone, so that we can be forgiven and return to live with our Heavenly Father.  He did that out of LOVE for us!  I have felt his comfort and love so much through this trial...and I am grateful for my relationship with my Savior. 

And I must mention...

I have to THANK my amazing Aunt Lynette who drove her from Idaho and took a week of work to stay with my family and help out with everything...  (and thanks to my uncle Dave for letting us borrow her!)  She has gotten so much done since she has been here, that I have big shoes to fill when I get feeling better and have to take care of my house and family on my own.  Thanks Lynette!

OUCH!

How come no one told me that getting a port put in would hurt SO bad?  Come on...  I can't move my neck, left arm, or shoulders.  The port itself is quite tender, but they also sliced into my neck and had to shove a bunch of tubes in...and THAT is where it hurts!  I feel pretty beat up...  

My daughter is reading a Berenstein bear book to me and is doing all she can to entertain me while I lay unable to move in my bed.  These moments remind me 100% why this fight is so worth it!  Thanks Aana~