Can't see the sun, but can totally feel it's rays!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long.  Healing is like a dance...quick step forward, a few slow steps back, step to the side... and back again.  The music kept going...and days were passing.  I am rehearsing a new dance now and I am so grateful. The beat is slow...but steady.  Small step forward..sway to the music...small step forward...and repeat.  Yes...you get my drift.  There is actual forward momentum and I pray it continues.  I am out of my bed more and can come downstairs and get a change of scenery from my bedroom.  I have more energy...and I can see light at the end of the tunnel!

Sunday I got to visit with old friends from dental school we hadn't seen in years.  They stopped by from out of state and I was so nervous...but I was able to visit most of the day.  I also got to finally meet a new friend that has shared support through my blog and I was so grateful to embrace my new friend.  I am embarrassed that people have to see me this way.  I did get out of pj's...and tried to look somewhat normal.  I am slow...my movement is awkward and limited...my conversations are slow and scattered...but hopefully everyone understands.  It is part of healing... and I am finally healing. 

There was a miracle last week that I would feel ungrateful if I didn't share.  I was starting another abcess.  I knew what it was because I had one last year at after a similiar surgery.  It was setting me back badly because of the pain and kept me in bed non stop.  I went to the dr and they could feel it.  Almost the size of a tennis ball under my incision in the middle.  It hurt, and hurt, and hurt each time I moved any part of my body.  That night I prayed and begged the Lord to take it away...just because the last time I had an abcess the dr. that drained it made a HUGE error that almost ended my life.  I don't think it would happen again, but it was my most recent experience and terrified me.  I went in the next day for a ct scan...and the results showed no mass there.  It was gone except for a bit of inflamed tissue that was much smaller.  I believe in prayer.  I know the Lord doesn't always answer that way or take away our trials...but this time he did...and I am so grateful.  I am back on track to heal as I should...and I am grateful for miracles.  They didn't end in Biblical days...there are modern miracles daily...I have witnessed many and I am so grateful.  Many things in my life are broken...but my faith is whole and gives me so much hope.

Thank you all for your individual efforts and kindness you have shown to my family and I.  Please know that your caring about my story...your prayers, thoughts, calls, cards, visits, comments, meals, and so much more have meant the world to me.  You make me smile everyday and have made cancer a blessing.  I have never before felt so loved!  Thank you!!!

I can do this...

I came home from the hospital a week ago and I am dissapointed to say that I have made no progress.  I am stuck right now.  I was getting worse earlier in the week because of rampant fevers and infection, but got new medicines last friday that should help.  I am no longer slipping backwards, but am feeling frustrated that I am not moving forward either.  I can't tell you how hard it is to have weeks slip away where you haven't been able to participate in life.  Please note: This hasn't even been a fraction of as long as the other times I have been laid up, but after all of them, I am just done being bedriden...and I'm SO ready to heal.  I wish I had more control over my body right now, but I DON'T.  These times where I feel so powerless are those that allow me to communicate so honestly with my maker.  He has been beside me each step of my life..but I have recognized his presence so strongly as my health has failed. 

This morning I was feeling down when my girls were going off to school in mismatched outfits and crazy hair.  It takes so little energy just to pick out clothes and fix their hair, but I didn't even have that much.  I wanted to shower, but I am just too weak...and I was just hurting...every part of my body seems to be hurting.  I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself wondering why I had to do this again... and then it was over.  I was overwhelmed with what I could best explain as a ray of sunshine.  It put a smile on my face and reminded me to keep that smile.  Smiling along each step of the journey is what has allowed me to get through all the hell of the last to years.  This surgery and recover is ROUGH...but nothing compared to what I've been through.  I just think my body is tired.  So, I gave it a pep talk...and my smile is back and bigger than ever.  I am making post it notes of postivie affirmations for my bedroom... and I'm counting my blessings that this soon will be over.  Already I feel stronger..and I am at least out of bed and sitting at the computer writing this.

IV's and help

The last two days just felt like I was stepping backward and feeling pretty crummy.  I finally got a hold of my surgeon and he ordered bloodwork and cultures on the fluid that has been accumulating and draining everyday.  I ended up getting an IV infusion of some antibiotics to start helping as they were very confident that my abdominal cavity was severely infected again.(the cultures will come in by Monday...but they didn' t want to wait and have me crash worse.)  I wish I could have taken notes, but the dr. explained to me how my insides are just so prone to infection post surgery because of the compartmentalization that has occurred because of scar tissue and adhesions all over.  It doesn't make sense as I type tonight, but helped me to see what might be going on inside.  I am so grateful for a caring oncologist.  They kept 4 staff members on after 6 on a friday evening when they had already closed just to help me.  If not, I would have been admitted to the hospital to receive the same tests, iv's, and care, but I would have had to stay at least through the weekend.  I ended up covered in hives from the antibiotic, but they fixed that, too...and I am starting to feel better already just a couple hours later.  I sure hope this makes a difference and helps me start really healing.  I have some truly wonderful doctors that are on my team and was so grateful for their time tonight.

Home again, Home again...Jiggety jig!

Scavenger Hunt was a success.  Addie was
terrified to crawl into my bed previous to this surgery.

Despite fevers and a bit of uncertainty, they doctor released me and I have slept in my own bed the last two nights.  Yehaw!  I was even cleared to shower (which felt amazing!)  There are no vampires sneaking in to take my blood in the middle of the night, no IV alarms going off at random times all day needing assistance, no more sponge baths by grumpy CNA's that don't really enjoy scrubbing my unreachables (yes, I am still feeling a bit rejected by a few of them.)  I am in my bed and have slept much better.  I still might need additional help if these fevers don't clear up, but I was happy for a break.  Being home is always an amazing milestone after surgery...but is harder than it sounds.  Just getting up and downstairs to fill up my water is a daunting task.  My bed is also much higher than most and feels like it engages every core muscle that was sliced just to awkwardly crawl in.  You'd think I'd have that figured out by surgery #12, but it is always hard.  I do think I am getting around a bit better than the others though.  I had tried to stay so active up until the day of my surgery because I could...and pushed through the pain. I think it is helping my recovery already.  They left a drain in the lower left area of my abdomen that is producing quite a bit of fluid and is the most awkward strap on drain that I have ever worn.  I will try to post a pic in the morning.

So many other things are on my mind...but battling cancer is much more than just chemo or those tag words you hear about so often.  My most important part of the battle is TODAY and is healing from THIS surgery and not letting small complications retell my story as they have threatened to do in the past.  I'm so disappointed that the Dr. missed a HUGE chance to do the heated chemo...but I have so much hope that amazing things are on the horizon.  I'm enjoying today...taking it one step at a time. (literally..)  I picture myself where I want to be in a few months.  I visualize my kids and I making crafts and laughing together, I picture my next doubles match in tennis and can't wait to swing my raquet.  I see myself walking with my family as the crisp fall approaches.  I see myself back to running the soccer carpools and teaching my primary kids music on Sundays. I can't wait to be back in my life doing what I love.  These chances where that is taken from me always remind me to fully appreciate each day...each moment. 

Hospital Day 10:

Hospital Day 10: I'm excited for my family to come see me today. I'm trying to sweet-talk a nurse to help me wash my hair and give me a sponge bath. :) I'd do it myself, but I hurt pretty horrible still. They had to remove my epidural too early because of an infection in the spine...and they haven't figured out a reasonable pain control method since. I'm just trying to roll with the punches. My abdomen is swollen and is persistently making insane amounts of fluid. The small drain is trying to keep up, but it feels like I am going to rip my stiches from the pressure from the fluid. We aren't sure again what is causing that. I have had it for over a year, but now the drs. get a better firsthand look.


I'm still running constant fevers which are not good. Obvoiusly a sign of an infection somewhere...but which one. We don't know yet. Last year I was running fevers and had an abcess after this same surgery.  A radiologist went to drain it and missed the abcess completely, but stuck a drain in my intestines (that had already been cut on 5 times plus burned and poisoned)..so another emergency surgery was tried by my intenstines and stomach opening couldn't even be stitched closed. My skin and tissues where too compomised to even hold a simple stitch. It was so gross. You could see all the way to the inside of my intestines by looking in my stomach. If I coughed...it would shoot out of my abdomen and spray the wall. (sorry...there were worse stories...so be glad I chose the "safer" flashbacks.) It started a cycle of fighting for my life. I was 88 lbs, on a feeding tube, wound vac, borderline comatose, and almost lost my battle to a stupid abcess. Sorry for the long rant, but the Dr's think I have another one. You see why that makes me a bit nervous. I'm sure the darn fever I've had all week is from something else...pneumonia sounds good. That is their next best guess. Please just not another abcess. 
 
There is probably more I should write, but my thoughts are on my kids coming.  This has always been a very scary place for both of them...and most of the time I was too critical for them to come anyway.  I want to make this fun.  I have gathered strange goodies from around the hospital and am making them a treasure hunt with clues that will take us around the floor of the hospital I am stuck on...but also am going to do a photo scavenger hunt around my room and the winner gets to cuddle with me for extra time. cheezy,  yes...but I want my kids to be distracted by games and just feel more comfortable and natural here than the past.  I hope it works.  Addie is terrified of hospital beds and always worries that she will hurt me.  If I can get her to snuggle a bit in my hospital bed, than that will be great.  I'll let you know how it goes.  I need to go make my clues and start hiding them.  I'm back in my blogging groove...

More CaNcEr!

Yes...there is a very long, upsetting story behind it, but pathology came back yeterday and there was more cancer hidden in scar tissue.  They found a good sized tumor on my uteris wall, but knowing the Dr.didn't see this means that we have no idea what else is out there either.  It makes me VERY nervous.  Based on the size, it would appear that this tumor survived the heated chemo the first time and grew in scar tissue.  My abodmen is FULL of scar tissue...so I have to admit,  I am brokenhearted at the thought of what else might be looming.

Also, the reason I did this surgery was to do a needed hysterectomy , eliminate the pain I've been n the last months, remove any cancer found and most importantly...DO THE HEATED CHEMO...which is an amazing resource and has the potential to save my life.  I'm so grateful fo the hysterectomy, because that is how they found this hidden tumor.  But I am disheartened that the dr. missed the opportunity to make a big difference in my battle with this pesky disease.  Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts!  I continue to feel so blessed despite the unending trials. Our life experience is largely a matter of our perspective, isn't it?  My process remains...each time a new trial is dumped on you...find the silver lining, no matter how small or descrete.  There will ALWAYS be one.  I am going to go find mine right now.  Thanks again to each of you!

Wed Morning

       Shanda has now been in the hospital for six days and unfortunately we are now seeing some post surgery complications.  Recent blood work has not been favorable and will possibly require some blood transfusions for Shanda.  The epidural that was placed in her spine seems to be sliding out, and therefore making it more difficult to control Shanda's pain.  They are trying to get that resolved, but Shanda has moments of severe pain because of it. Poor thing.  She has had a fever on and off and now her belly seems to be building up with fluid.  That same fluid that required her to have a major surgery last August.  So that is a little concerning.  We don't know why its happening.  She is keeping a good spirit and remains upbeat and positive.  She is a fighter.  Hopefully this will be just some minor bumps in the road, but please continue to keep Shanda in your thoughts and prayers.

Larry

Sunday Morning

Well, it's time for another update. Shanda is continues to improve daily, I'm so proud of the progress she has made.  The very first night she was here was a night she would not like to repeat.  When she came back from surgery, she was very comfortable, but maybe a little too comfortable.  The epidural was too strong and the numbness in her body was climbing up to her chest, which slowed her breathing down.  They completely stopped the epidural for one hour, and thats when the hell started for Shanda.  One can understand how painful it must have been, hours out of surgery, not to have pain medication.  Poor shanda suffered the next 10 hrs while the nurses tried to get her pain under control.  Of course she didn't get any sleep and was just miserable.  Well, here we are two days later, and things are much better.  Her pain management is under control, and she is eager for the next step- "Get the dang tube out f my nose" .

Because her bowels are asleep, she is given a long tube that goes up her nose and down her throat to the stomach.  I know what you are thinking , I want one of those too.  Anyway, as you can imagine, Shanda hates this thing, her throat hurts, she can't talk, and is constantly thirsty ( no liquids until it is out).  MISERY is the best word I can come up with.  So, until her bowels wake up, that stays in.  Dr says the more she walks around, the quicker her bowels wake up and the dang tube can come out... so, she walks a TON, I love it, it is so who she is.  She gets something in her mind, and does anything to get it accomplished.  She is wearing me out with all the walking, but well worth it.  We do laps around the hospital floor 2-3 times per day, even in the middle of the night.  I love her.  We just saw the Dr and he listened to her bowels and he is hoping to pull the tube out tomorrow, so we will wait and see.

This is our third major surgery and visit to this Hospital in Spokane.  She is usually here for a couple weeks at a time, so nurses around here start to look familiar.  They all know Shanda  and remember her very well from past visits.  They just love her.  They appreciate her upbeat personality and great positive spirit.  Shanda definitely sticks out on this floor, she is by far the youngest patient, (not a lot of cancer patients at 32), she loves to talk to everybody, and people just gravitate towards her.  It has been fun to see her interactions with staff and other patients.  I'm so proud to call her my wife.

Anyway, gotta go, more will come.

Larry

Day one recovery

I'm not much of a blogger, but I'll do my best to explain what is going on. Shanda got out of surgery last night and we received the best possible news... NO CANCER FOUND!!! With all that had been going on the past six months with the severe pain, fluid build up in her abdomen, and just not a good overall feeling, we went into this surgery scared, heck, I was scared out of my mind. So to get this news, what a relief, what a miracle!!!!!! Our wonderful Dr did perform a hysterecomty ( which we expected), I can never imagine as a women how that must feel to have that done, but Shanda handled it very well. It was definitely a very difficult choice for her to make, but it had to be done. We have two beautiful girls and couldn't be happier. There was also tons of adhesions and scarring that the Dr also removed. Those adhesions, in addition to the softball size cyst on her remaining ovary, were most likey causing her severe pain and fluid build up. Most importantly, the Dr looked everywhere for any possible cancer lesions or tumors... and found nothing. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

She is still left with a huge incision and a long recovery, but we are so greatful for all those who kept Shanda in their prayers. We have been blessed beyond

measure. We are hoping for a speedy recovery and zero complications. My wife is amazing, and the strongest person I know, I am so proud of her. Thank you all again. I will keep you posted.

Larry

It begins...

I'm now on clear liquids and get the pleasure of starting a bowel prep. I check in at noon but will have the surgery tomorrow around 3pm. The dr will follow my same huge incision down my stomach and will cut out any tumors or anything that looks cancerous. He will drain the ascites (fluid) that has been building up again..and will send all of that off for pathology. He will also remove tons of adhesions and do a full hysterectomy this time. (I put it off as long as I could...and I am so sad about this...but has to be done now.) The Dr. will await pathology and decide if I need the Heated chemo pumped inside again or what else needs removed. The heated chemo is SO hard on the organs and abdomen. It basically creates severe burning on everything it touches and causes so much trauma. That is why it won't be used unless necessary. I know some peole had asked me why not just do it anyway.

Other than the hysterectomy, I have done this surgery 2ce before...and unfortunately KNOW all that can happen. I am trying to slow my mind from having flashbacks of all of the times I was hanging on for life after the last one. Not because of cancer, but because of surgical complications, etc. I coded the first time I had this surgery and was found in my room with no pulse by the cna trying to get my blood pressure. That was insanely scary...and I'd rather not repeat it. The last time I had this surgery, I tanked about a week in and had so many blood transfusions and ended up on a feeding tube and in serious condition for months. But whatever it is...I will do it. I'll do it 50 more times if I need to. I take one look at my girls and know I would do ANYTHING for the chance to raise them. I have to say, though...that I think I would rather NOT know what I am getting myself into. Oh well. :)

I am SO humbled and grateful for yor prayers. Thank you! Thank you! Please also pray for my doctors that they will be able to be alert, thorough, and that they will be guided to do what is needed and make sound decisions. My amazing mom will be taking care of my girls and Larry will be updating you from the hospital as it unfolds.

Surgery Delayed until Friday

The Dr. needs to move my surgery that was scheduled for tomorrow. The lady getting hers done tomorrow is in serious trouble if she waits...I remember being in the same position with the same surgeon last year. I'm frustrated because I have waited months now and am in constant pain...but I am counting my blessings that I am not the one needing the "emergency" surgery to save my life this time. Thanks again for your prayers and amazing support.

A beautiful song about the cancer experience...

It only takes a few minutes to listen to, but the words parallel my story so much. I love it! (Thanks Robin for sharing this with me)

This Makes me Happy...and She's mine!

And this is my new Kayak...Just looking at it makes me happy!  I feel so lucky I got the chance to try this amazing sport this summer.



Living it up and facing fears...

 The last year and a half of my life, fear has been such a HUGE part of my life.  Not that I dwell on it, but there is a mean cycle of scary "what if's" that can occur with a cancer diagnosis.  What they find more?  What if they can't remove it?  What if the chemo doesn't work?  What if this surgery ends up as bad as the last one? What if I dont make it?  What if my girls lose their mom? What if..what if..what if? (even lame things like...what if I end up in the hospital and someone has to come take care of my kids and finds my house in such a mess?)  I am always trying to push back the what if's and focus my attention on the awesome things going on around me each day.  I try to listen to every word, enjoy every conversation, savor every laugh, remember every little gesture and expression, internalize the feeling of every hug.  I used to live a very FULL and busy life...and I still do, but now I slow down to notice things so much more meaningful to me (even just in the simple, daily routine.)

I have learned to embrace my fears, but not let them control me.  I have watched some people allow their fears to limit the potential of their lives...and I refuse to do that.  Yes, I am scared...truthfully terrified at what might occur.  I own that...but I don't focus on that at all.  I am overwhelmed by the blessings each day brings and find peace in the hope that I have.  I hope I can mantain that perspective.

On a separate note: We just came back from a fun cruise with my in-laws and many of my husband's siblings.  I pushed back my surgery to be able to go and wasn't sure I was going to make it because of pain.  I ended up giving in and getting help.  I don't like pain meds because I have seen so many people get addicted...so I usually avoid them.  I needed to go and have fun for my kids..and the meds made that possible.

We had a wonderful time and made awesome memories.  It was the perfect thing to do before the next surgery.  It was an extention of my new focus on LIVNG.  My husband and I faced fears of a lesser type...but we parasailed (I am terribly afraid of heights.)...and we both sang karaoke (which is NOT our thing.).  Random, I know...but they were two new experiences we can say we did.  My kids both parasailed also...which was awesome.  My 4 year old was fear less and wanted to hang upside-down in her harness.  We danced,ATE, saw Dolphins, snorkeled, ATE, swam, played, went to a water park, watched fun shows, played games, entered funny tournaments on the boat, ATE, laughed, and much more.  It was a great trip.  We even rented a car and went to see the home my husband grew up in on our way to the airport going home.  We crammed fun into every minute possible.  It was perfect!  

Aana got picked out of the audience to help with the dolophin show.



Almost all of Larry's immediate family

Crazy Cousins that made the trip so FUN for my kids!



All of us that went on the cruise on a water taxi going snorkeling.





My Mother In Law and Some Sis in Laws

SO true!

Aana's first day of school

This girl LOVES school and couldn't wait to get back. I miss her already.  Addie starts preschool again next week.

I have SO much to blog...but for today...

I wanted to show you that we are enjoying every last minute of warm, summer weather together as a family...and we cherish those moments. 

Since my kayaking retreat...I've been hooked and am trying to get my family involved.

I went by myself to Hood River, OR and did a girls whitewater kayaking trip to try it again before I took the plunge and bought a boat.  And I loved it even more!

 I have so many pics to post and most are on other memory cards..but we have been camping, floating the river, bowling, riding bikes, playing games, reading books, laughing, hula hooping, pretending to be pirates, snuggling...and living it up.  We have truly made the most of our summer together. I love being a mom!

On a more serious note: There are 17 more days until my next big surgery in spokane.  I many of you think that I am recovered and doing well.  I am doing so much better than I was, but in truth, I am hurting badly. I just don't want to let that stop me from enjoying my time with my family...so I am trying to push through it. I have been in a LOT of pain.  It frequently has me doubled over where I can't move and takes my breath away.  It is sharp, near constant, and in my lower abdomen.  I have had to give in and rely on pain meds so I don't have to lay in bed all day.  I can hurt in bed...or I can live.  I am trying to just keep moving... my kids have seen me sick enough.  I have never been excited for surgery before, but I am for this one.  I am hoping it will help with the pain.  I don't want to start the cycle over again that happened last year, but I can't keep hurting like this...so I pray that they can fix it.  My hope is that the pain is somehow from all of the trauma in my abdomen...and not a symptom of cancer.  We are planning to do the heated chemo again if needed and I will be opened all the way up again.  I am grateful the dr. will be able to look again in every nook and cranny inside and see if anything has grown or spread.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

We are packing for another little family trip.  My last outing before a long hospital stay.  I better go for now.

First Descents = Pure amazingness!

 Last week was a life changing for me. I signed up for what I thought was going to be "cancer camp" and came home with a whole new perspectice on life. It was a blast...but more than that...it was an experience that I hope will help shape my path in the future. I was there with 14 other cancer survivors...several amazing volunteers...an Emmy winning camera crew...and a phenominal staff. I was pushed far outside my comfort zone...faced fears (over and over), tested the physical limits of my cancer riddled body, enjoyed nature, had a blast, and was inspired on SO many levels. I felt ALIVE...and it was wonderful!!!

I can't tell you what a blessing that is. There were athletes all around that beat cancer and took control back of their body and lives...and push themselves to accomplish amazing things. I am inspired by their courage and fortitude. I have faced my trials...but have to admit, that I felt physically much weaker than I used to. I learned that is all in my head...and I am going to start training for big events of my own.

Who cares that I can't feel my legs?.. or that I'll be in the hospital for another huge surgery next month.
This is MY life... I can't "pause" life to heal...my life is NOW...every moment counts.

I have SO many thoughts and so much to say, but am packing to go take my girls camping.

My ramblings will continue...

All I can say is...WOW!

I have SO much that I can't wait to write about but until I get home, but I am having the time of my life.  This is truly the most amazing experience I have ever had! Whitewater kayaking rocks... I'm HOOKED!!!