More CaNcEr!

Yes...there is a very long, upsetting story behind it, but pathology came back yeterday and there was more cancer hidden in scar tissue.  They found a good sized tumor on my uteris wall, but knowing the Dr.didn't see this means that we have no idea what else is out there either.  It makes me VERY nervous.  Based on the size, it would appear that this tumor survived the heated chemo the first time and grew in scar tissue.  My abodmen is FULL of scar tissue...so I have to admit,  I am brokenhearted at the thought of what else might be looming.

Also, the reason I did this surgery was to do a needed hysterectomy , eliminate the pain I've been n the last months, remove any cancer found and most importantly...DO THE HEATED CHEMO...which is an amazing resource and has the potential to save my life.  I'm so grateful fo the hysterectomy, because that is how they found this hidden tumor.  But I am disheartened that the dr. missed the opportunity to make a big difference in my battle with this pesky disease.  Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts!  I continue to feel so blessed despite the unending trials. Our life experience is largely a matter of our perspective, isn't it?  My process remains...each time a new trial is dumped on you...find the silver lining, no matter how small or descrete.  There will ALWAYS be one.  I am going to go find mine right now.  Thanks again to each of you!

Wed Morning

       Shanda has now been in the hospital for six days and unfortunately we are now seeing some post surgery complications.  Recent blood work has not been favorable and will possibly require some blood transfusions for Shanda.  The epidural that was placed in her spine seems to be sliding out, and therefore making it more difficult to control Shanda's pain.  They are trying to get that resolved, but Shanda has moments of severe pain because of it. Poor thing.  She has had a fever on and off and now her belly seems to be building up with fluid.  That same fluid that required her to have a major surgery last August.  So that is a little concerning.  We don't know why its happening.  She is keeping a good spirit and remains upbeat and positive.  She is a fighter.  Hopefully this will be just some minor bumps in the road, but please continue to keep Shanda in your thoughts and prayers.

Larry

Sunday Morning

Well, it's time for another update. Shanda is continues to improve daily, I'm so proud of the progress she has made.  The very first night she was here was a night she would not like to repeat.  When she came back from surgery, she was very comfortable, but maybe a little too comfortable.  The epidural was too strong and the numbness in her body was climbing up to her chest, which slowed her breathing down.  They completely stopped the epidural for one hour, and thats when the hell started for Shanda.  One can understand how painful it must have been, hours out of surgery, not to have pain medication.  Poor shanda suffered the next 10 hrs while the nurses tried to get her pain under control.  Of course she didn't get any sleep and was just miserable.  Well, here we are two days later, and things are much better.  Her pain management is under control, and she is eager for the next step- "Get the dang tube out f my nose" .

Because her bowels are asleep, she is given a long tube that goes up her nose and down her throat to the stomach.  I know what you are thinking , I want one of those too.  Anyway, as you can imagine, Shanda hates this thing, her throat hurts, she can't talk, and is constantly thirsty ( no liquids until it is out).  MISERY is the best word I can come up with.  So, until her bowels wake up, that stays in.  Dr says the more she walks around, the quicker her bowels wake up and the dang tube can come out... so, she walks a TON, I love it, it is so who she is.  She gets something in her mind, and does anything to get it accomplished.  She is wearing me out with all the walking, but well worth it.  We do laps around the hospital floor 2-3 times per day, even in the middle of the night.  I love her.  We just saw the Dr and he listened to her bowels and he is hoping to pull the tube out tomorrow, so we will wait and see.

This is our third major surgery and visit to this Hospital in Spokane.  She is usually here for a couple weeks at a time, so nurses around here start to look familiar.  They all know Shanda  and remember her very well from past visits.  They just love her.  They appreciate her upbeat personality and great positive spirit.  Shanda definitely sticks out on this floor, she is by far the youngest patient, (not a lot of cancer patients at 32), she loves to talk to everybody, and people just gravitate towards her.  It has been fun to see her interactions with staff and other patients.  I'm so proud to call her my wife.

Anyway, gotta go, more will come.

Larry

Day one recovery

I'm not much of a blogger, but I'll do my best to explain what is going on. Shanda got out of surgery last night and we received the best possible news... NO CANCER FOUND!!! With all that had been going on the past six months with the severe pain, fluid build up in her abdomen, and just not a good overall feeling, we went into this surgery scared, heck, I was scared out of my mind. So to get this news, what a relief, what a miracle!!!!!! Our wonderful Dr did perform a hysterecomty ( which we expected), I can never imagine as a women how that must feel to have that done, but Shanda handled it very well. It was definitely a very difficult choice for her to make, but it had to be done. We have two beautiful girls and couldn't be happier. There was also tons of adhesions and scarring that the Dr also removed. Those adhesions, in addition to the softball size cyst on her remaining ovary, were most likey causing her severe pain and fluid build up. Most importantly, the Dr looked everywhere for any possible cancer lesions or tumors... and found nothing. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

She is still left with a huge incision and a long recovery, but we are so greatful for all those who kept Shanda in their prayers. We have been blessed beyond

measure. We are hoping for a speedy recovery and zero complications. My wife is amazing, and the strongest person I know, I am so proud of her. Thank you all again. I will keep you posted.

Larry

It begins...

I'm now on clear liquids and get the pleasure of starting a bowel prep. I check in at noon but will have the surgery tomorrow around 3pm. The dr will follow my same huge incision down my stomach and will cut out any tumors or anything that looks cancerous. He will drain the ascites (fluid) that has been building up again..and will send all of that off for pathology. He will also remove tons of adhesions and do a full hysterectomy this time. (I put it off as long as I could...and I am so sad about this...but has to be done now.) The Dr. will await pathology and decide if I need the Heated chemo pumped inside again or what else needs removed. The heated chemo is SO hard on the organs and abdomen. It basically creates severe burning on everything it touches and causes so much trauma. That is why it won't be used unless necessary. I know some peole had asked me why not just do it anyway.

Other than the hysterectomy, I have done this surgery 2ce before...and unfortunately KNOW all that can happen. I am trying to slow my mind from having flashbacks of all of the times I was hanging on for life after the last one. Not because of cancer, but because of surgical complications, etc. I coded the first time I had this surgery and was found in my room with no pulse by the cna trying to get my blood pressure. That was insanely scary...and I'd rather not repeat it. The last time I had this surgery, I tanked about a week in and had so many blood transfusions and ended up on a feeding tube and in serious condition for months. But whatever it is...I will do it. I'll do it 50 more times if I need to. I take one look at my girls and know I would do ANYTHING for the chance to raise them. I have to say, though...that I think I would rather NOT know what I am getting myself into. Oh well. :)

I am SO humbled and grateful for yor prayers. Thank you! Thank you! Please also pray for my doctors that they will be able to be alert, thorough, and that they will be guided to do what is needed and make sound decisions. My amazing mom will be taking care of my girls and Larry will be updating you from the hospital as it unfolds.

Surgery Delayed until Friday

The Dr. needs to move my surgery that was scheduled for tomorrow. The lady getting hers done tomorrow is in serious trouble if she waits...I remember being in the same position with the same surgeon last year. I'm frustrated because I have waited months now and am in constant pain...but I am counting my blessings that I am not the one needing the "emergency" surgery to save my life this time. Thanks again for your prayers and amazing support.

A beautiful song about the cancer experience...

It only takes a few minutes to listen to, but the words parallel my story so much. I love it! (Thanks Robin for sharing this with me)

This Makes me Happy...and She's mine!

And this is my new Kayak...Just looking at it makes me happy!  I feel so lucky I got the chance to try this amazing sport this summer.



Living it up and facing fears...

 The last year and a half of my life, fear has been such a HUGE part of my life.  Not that I dwell on it, but there is a mean cycle of scary "what if's" that can occur with a cancer diagnosis.  What they find more?  What if they can't remove it?  What if the chemo doesn't work?  What if this surgery ends up as bad as the last one? What if I dont make it?  What if my girls lose their mom? What if..what if..what if? (even lame things like...what if I end up in the hospital and someone has to come take care of my kids and finds my house in such a mess?)  I am always trying to push back the what if's and focus my attention on the awesome things going on around me each day.  I try to listen to every word, enjoy every conversation, savor every laugh, remember every little gesture and expression, internalize the feeling of every hug.  I used to live a very FULL and busy life...and I still do, but now I slow down to notice things so much more meaningful to me (even just in the simple, daily routine.)

I have learned to embrace my fears, but not let them control me.  I have watched some people allow their fears to limit the potential of their lives...and I refuse to do that.  Yes, I am scared...truthfully terrified at what might occur.  I own that...but I don't focus on that at all.  I am overwhelmed by the blessings each day brings and find peace in the hope that I have.  I hope I can mantain that perspective.

On a separate note: We just came back from a fun cruise with my in-laws and many of my husband's siblings.  I pushed back my surgery to be able to go and wasn't sure I was going to make it because of pain.  I ended up giving in and getting help.  I don't like pain meds because I have seen so many people get addicted...so I usually avoid them.  I needed to go and have fun for my kids..and the meds made that possible.

We had a wonderful time and made awesome memories.  It was the perfect thing to do before the next surgery.  It was an extention of my new focus on LIVNG.  My husband and I faced fears of a lesser type...but we parasailed (I am terribly afraid of heights.)...and we both sang karaoke (which is NOT our thing.).  Random, I know...but they were two new experiences we can say we did.  My kids both parasailed also...which was awesome.  My 4 year old was fear less and wanted to hang upside-down in her harness.  We danced,ATE, saw Dolphins, snorkeled, ATE, swam, played, went to a water park, watched fun shows, played games, entered funny tournaments on the boat, ATE, laughed, and much more.  It was a great trip.  We even rented a car and went to see the home my husband grew up in on our way to the airport going home.  We crammed fun into every minute possible.  It was perfect!  

Aana got picked out of the audience to help with the dolophin show.



Almost all of Larry's immediate family

Crazy Cousins that made the trip so FUN for my kids!



All of us that went on the cruise on a water taxi going snorkeling.





My Mother In Law and Some Sis in Laws

SO true!

Aana's first day of school

This girl LOVES school and couldn't wait to get back. I miss her already.  Addie starts preschool again next week.

I have SO much to blog...but for today...

I wanted to show you that we are enjoying every last minute of warm, summer weather together as a family...and we cherish those moments. 

Since my kayaking retreat...I've been hooked and am trying to get my family involved.

I went by myself to Hood River, OR and did a girls whitewater kayaking trip to try it again before I took the plunge and bought a boat.  And I loved it even more!

 I have so many pics to post and most are on other memory cards..but we have been camping, floating the river, bowling, riding bikes, playing games, reading books, laughing, hula hooping, pretending to be pirates, snuggling...and living it up.  We have truly made the most of our summer together. I love being a mom!

On a more serious note: There are 17 more days until my next big surgery in spokane.  I many of you think that I am recovered and doing well.  I am doing so much better than I was, but in truth, I am hurting badly. I just don't want to let that stop me from enjoying my time with my family...so I am trying to push through it. I have been in a LOT of pain.  It frequently has me doubled over where I can't move and takes my breath away.  It is sharp, near constant, and in my lower abdomen.  I have had to give in and rely on pain meds so I don't have to lay in bed all day.  I can hurt in bed...or I can live.  I am trying to just keep moving... my kids have seen me sick enough.  I have never been excited for surgery before, but I am for this one.  I am hoping it will help with the pain.  I don't want to start the cycle over again that happened last year, but I can't keep hurting like this...so I pray that they can fix it.  My hope is that the pain is somehow from all of the trauma in my abdomen...and not a symptom of cancer.  We are planning to do the heated chemo again if needed and I will be opened all the way up again.  I am grateful the dr. will be able to look again in every nook and cranny inside and see if anything has grown or spread.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

We are packing for another little family trip.  My last outing before a long hospital stay.  I better go for now.

First Descents = Pure amazingness!

 Last week was a life changing for me. I signed up for what I thought was going to be "cancer camp" and came home with a whole new perspectice on life. It was a blast...but more than that...it was an experience that I hope will help shape my path in the future. I was there with 14 other cancer survivors...several amazing volunteers...an Emmy winning camera crew...and a phenominal staff. I was pushed far outside my comfort zone...faced fears (over and over), tested the physical limits of my cancer riddled body, enjoyed nature, had a blast, and was inspired on SO many levels. I felt ALIVE...and it was wonderful!!!

I can't tell you what a blessing that is. There were athletes all around that beat cancer and took control back of their body and lives...and push themselves to accomplish amazing things. I am inspired by their courage and fortitude. I have faced my trials...but have to admit, that I felt physically much weaker than I used to. I learned that is all in my head...and I am going to start training for big events of my own.

Who cares that I can't feel my legs?.. or that I'll be in the hospital for another huge surgery next month.
This is MY life... I can't "pause" life to heal...my life is NOW...every moment counts.

I have SO many thoughts and so much to say, but am packing to go take my girls camping.

My ramblings will continue...

All I can say is...WOW!

I have SO much that I can't wait to write about but until I get home, but I am having the time of my life.  This is truly the most amazing experience I have ever had! Whitewater kayaking rocks... I'm HOOKED!!!

I'M DOING IT!!!

I fly out in the morning...to an amazing ranch between Vail and Apen, CO...and will train all week with the top whitewater kayakers in the world.  It is through an amazing young adult cancer program called FIRST DESCENTS.  Day one after breakfast we'll be learning to roll and taking on the river...and it will be full speed ahead from there.  Fun will be hiking, horseback riding, and more.  I can't tell you how excited I have been since I was accepted into this program.  I don't know anyone that has ever done it.  No doctors ever told me about it.  I found it about 6 months ago through a web search and a series of links.  It happened to have been the week before they started taking applications.  I feel like I was led to it...and the timing was perfect...so that I actually got in!!!  More tender mercies...
(here is the link and video I posted before...but it gives you an idea of what I am doing...)
http://www.firstdescents.org/

I wasn't sure I could go with recent events...but I met with my surgical oncologist Thursday and begged him to wait.  Due to logisitical issues we can't do it until Sept. 21st...but it gives me time to get ready.  ALL of my other surgeries have been emergency surgeries.  I feel quietly relieved that he is letting me wait.   It will be similar to my other huge ones...and we will be ready to do the heated chemo again as well if they find more cancer involvement.  The incision will be the same huge one I have had... and it will be in spokane again.  All the same, except one crucial thing...I am SO much stronger this time.  It will brutal and another long hospitalization...but I've done it before...and will do it again.  I'll update more later but need to finish packing.  My pain isn't going to stop me from taking on the Colorado river...and I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!

Positive thoughts...

Another Surgery...

 I don't know the dates or details yet as my oncologist and surgeon are working that out.   They did an outpatient procedure with an injection yesterday to shut down my remaining ovary.  We are hoping that decrease the pain while I await surgery.  I am trying to put it off so that I can go on the cancer survivors kayaking retreat I mentioned.  I am supposed to leave next Sunday...and despite pain....I WANT TO GO SO BADLY~

My CT was inconclusive (as expected) regarding any cancer involvement...but showed large cysts(over 2 inches) again on my ovary and a few other things that need to come out.  Last August I was taken in for emergency surgery because of ascites and severe ovary pain. That was the beginning of a pretty bad spiral that I barely made it through.  It sounds routine, but my body is so ravaged inside that it isn't a small surgery like it would be for someone else.  That is typically done laparoscopic, but I am no longer a candidate for those because of all the scarring and chaos in  my abdomen.   I will likely be cut open following my larger scar from breast area to pubic bone as usual.  I will know for sure next week.  I was supposed to have a total hysterectomy with my first heated chemo super surgery, but after coersion the doctor allowed me to keep those organs in the miracle chance that I might heal enough to have another child someday.  With all that has happened, that is no longer an option and it is a sore loss for our family.  We consider ourselves so blessed to have the amazing girls that we do.   In an effort to save my ovaries from the cancer, the surgeon sliced off the entire outside (or peeled) them and then poured the heated chemo on them that caused severe burns.  THey have tried to heal, but the damage was too great.  I tried to keep them... obvoiusly shouldn't have.  I am so glad I am stronger now than the last time I had surgery.  I will let you know the details as they evolve.  We will not know if there is more cancer until the surgery, after the pathology is determined.  I am convinced there won't be cancer...and that this is just another bump in my road to recovery.

If you don't mind...

I would really appreciate your prayers.  Tomorrow is a big day full of lots of Ct scans, tests and another draining of the stomach fluid (ascites)that has been filling up my abdomen.  The last few months, my stomach has been growing and is full of fluid again...looking similiar to pregnancy.  It has grown quite a bit in the last week since I got sick...and the pain is near constant now. 

I have been trying to keep my fears on the down low... but I am really starting to try to mentally prepare myself for what is next.  They will drain the fluid again and test it for malignancy.  We don't know the cause of it.  Last August I had it really bad and was taken in for emergency surgery that I barely made it out of.  It is typically caused by cancer...but we can't seem to find where it is.  It is usually produced by the liver, but mine seems to be produced lower by my remaining ovary or something around it.  Organs don't typicaly weep...this is a bit exteme, but my abdomen has endured severe trauma.  I hope that is the cause.  That's also where the pain is centralized.  It is a deep, sharp pain that often takes away my breath and stops me in my tracks. I know it isn't normal...and I need to get it fixed.  My cancer usually spreads on the outside of organs and shuts them down...this feels much deeper.  The difference in the pain worries me in all honesty.  I am still very hopeful and know I will WIN this darn battle.  I have to admit, though, that I feel like I am possibly at the beginning a scary cycle again.  If you can remember, please keep me in your prayers.   I will share the results as soon as they are known.  My mind is FULL of positive self talk. Here we go!

Just thinking...

Another experience I had today.  I was talking with a group of ladies and I had a conversation so seeped in irony that it made me think.  One insisted that she will never go to church because she doesn't like feeling pressured to service others or to give anything of herself.  She said she does enough for her kids...and that there was no way she would give more to church. I had never heard such calloused selfish declarations before...it was strange.  My heart pounded and I knew I needed to say something  but I wasn't sure what to say.

I explained in the best way I could that my faith has added so much to my life.  Giving of myself to others has been such a source of joy and true happiness to me.  It is what has kept my mind off my own trials and frustrations.  I recognize the Lord's hand each day in my life.  She spoke with such an attitude of indifference that it made me sad for her...but as she kept talking she explained how she struggles deeply with depression,   I wish she could understand that charity and following Christ are such a source of joy. Not the fleeting joy that is felt by superficial worldly things...but true, lasting joy.  My faith doesn't mean that my life will be easy each day, perfect, or without trial...it just means I will know my purpose and feel his support during those trials.  I know without doubt that the Lord didn't make us and send us to Earth just to have fun...live a little, and die.  Our universe has too much brilliant organization and order for life to be so haphazard and so senseless.  I know our lives have purpose.  I am so grateful for that knowledge.  Our conversation was brief...most of the "aha" moments were in my head as I listened to her.

Fantastic Day!

Sometimes I have wonderful moments that I think I will never forget.  Today I wanted to record this one so that I don't forget it.  (I was hurting all morning pretty badly, but decided to try to play tennis anyway.  I have figured out that if I keep myself moving and as busy as possible, sometimes what I am doing can overshadow the pain.)  Anyway...

I was a FUN doubles match of tennis...the court to the right of me had Aana playing with friends of hers.   I could hear her laughing...and saw a big grin on her face.  Addie was on the players bench cheering me on and making sign language "I love you" signs each time I looked at her.  It is a moment that I felt truly ALIVE.  I have a lot of those...and don't want to ever take them for granted. 

Treasure those simple moments...think about the abundance of things that make you smile each day.  Count your blessing.  I am... and I hope I always DO! :)