This Makes me Happy...and She's mine!

And this is my new Kayak...Just looking at it makes me happy!  I feel so lucky I got the chance to try this amazing sport this summer.



Living it up and facing fears...

 The last year and a half of my life, fear has been such a HUGE part of my life.  Not that I dwell on it, but there is a mean cycle of scary "what if's" that can occur with a cancer diagnosis.  What they find more?  What if they can't remove it?  What if the chemo doesn't work?  What if this surgery ends up as bad as the last one? What if I dont make it?  What if my girls lose their mom? What if..what if..what if? (even lame things like...what if I end up in the hospital and someone has to come take care of my kids and finds my house in such a mess?)  I am always trying to push back the what if's and focus my attention on the awesome things going on around me each day.  I try to listen to every word, enjoy every conversation, savor every laugh, remember every little gesture and expression, internalize the feeling of every hug.  I used to live a very FULL and busy life...and I still do, but now I slow down to notice things so much more meaningful to me (even just in the simple, daily routine.)

I have learned to embrace my fears, but not let them control me.  I have watched some people allow their fears to limit the potential of their lives...and I refuse to do that.  Yes, I am scared...truthfully terrified at what might occur.  I own that...but I don't focus on that at all.  I am overwhelmed by the blessings each day brings and find peace in the hope that I have.  I hope I can mantain that perspective.

On a separate note: We just came back from a fun cruise with my in-laws and many of my husband's siblings.  I pushed back my surgery to be able to go and wasn't sure I was going to make it because of pain.  I ended up giving in and getting help.  I don't like pain meds because I have seen so many people get addicted...so I usually avoid them.  I needed to go and have fun for my kids..and the meds made that possible.

We had a wonderful time and made awesome memories.  It was the perfect thing to do before the next surgery.  It was an extention of my new focus on LIVNG.  My husband and I faced fears of a lesser type...but we parasailed (I am terribly afraid of heights.)...and we both sang karaoke (which is NOT our thing.).  Random, I know...but they were two new experiences we can say we did.  My kids both parasailed also...which was awesome.  My 4 year old was fear less and wanted to hang upside-down in her harness.  We danced,ATE, saw Dolphins, snorkeled, ATE, swam, played, went to a water park, watched fun shows, played games, entered funny tournaments on the boat, ATE, laughed, and much more.  It was a great trip.  We even rented a car and went to see the home my husband grew up in on our way to the airport going home.  We crammed fun into every minute possible.  It was perfect!  

Aana got picked out of the audience to help with the dolophin show.



Almost all of Larry's immediate family

Crazy Cousins that made the trip so FUN for my kids!



All of us that went on the cruise on a water taxi going snorkeling.





My Mother In Law and Some Sis in Laws

SO true!

Aana's first day of school

This girl LOVES school and couldn't wait to get back. I miss her already.  Addie starts preschool again next week.

I have SO much to blog...but for today...

I wanted to show you that we are enjoying every last minute of warm, summer weather together as a family...and we cherish those moments. 

Since my kayaking retreat...I've been hooked and am trying to get my family involved.

I went by myself to Hood River, OR and did a girls whitewater kayaking trip to try it again before I took the plunge and bought a boat.  And I loved it even more!

 I have so many pics to post and most are on other memory cards..but we have been camping, floating the river, bowling, riding bikes, playing games, reading books, laughing, hula hooping, pretending to be pirates, snuggling...and living it up.  We have truly made the most of our summer together. I love being a mom!

On a more serious note: There are 17 more days until my next big surgery in spokane.  I many of you think that I am recovered and doing well.  I am doing so much better than I was, but in truth, I am hurting badly. I just don't want to let that stop me from enjoying my time with my family...so I am trying to push through it. I have been in a LOT of pain.  It frequently has me doubled over where I can't move and takes my breath away.  It is sharp, near constant, and in my lower abdomen.  I have had to give in and rely on pain meds so I don't have to lay in bed all day.  I can hurt in bed...or I can live.  I am trying to just keep moving... my kids have seen me sick enough.  I have never been excited for surgery before, but I am for this one.  I am hoping it will help with the pain.  I don't want to start the cycle over again that happened last year, but I can't keep hurting like this...so I pray that they can fix it.  My hope is that the pain is somehow from all of the trauma in my abdomen...and not a symptom of cancer.  We are planning to do the heated chemo again if needed and I will be opened all the way up again.  I am grateful the dr. will be able to look again in every nook and cranny inside and see if anything has grown or spread.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

We are packing for another little family trip.  My last outing before a long hospital stay.  I better go for now.

First Descents = Pure amazingness!

 Last week was a life changing for me. I signed up for what I thought was going to be "cancer camp" and came home with a whole new perspectice on life. It was a blast...but more than that...it was an experience that I hope will help shape my path in the future. I was there with 14 other cancer survivors...several amazing volunteers...an Emmy winning camera crew...and a phenominal staff. I was pushed far outside my comfort zone...faced fears (over and over), tested the physical limits of my cancer riddled body, enjoyed nature, had a blast, and was inspired on SO many levels. I felt ALIVE...and it was wonderful!!!

I can't tell you what a blessing that is. There were athletes all around that beat cancer and took control back of their body and lives...and push themselves to accomplish amazing things. I am inspired by their courage and fortitude. I have faced my trials...but have to admit, that I felt physically much weaker than I used to. I learned that is all in my head...and I am going to start training for big events of my own.

Who cares that I can't feel my legs?.. or that I'll be in the hospital for another huge surgery next month.
This is MY life... I can't "pause" life to heal...my life is NOW...every moment counts.

I have SO many thoughts and so much to say, but am packing to go take my girls camping.

My ramblings will continue...

All I can say is...WOW!

I have SO much that I can't wait to write about but until I get home, but I am having the time of my life.  This is truly the most amazing experience I have ever had! Whitewater kayaking rocks... I'm HOOKED!!!

I'M DOING IT!!!

I fly out in the morning...to an amazing ranch between Vail and Apen, CO...and will train all week with the top whitewater kayakers in the world.  It is through an amazing young adult cancer program called FIRST DESCENTS.  Day one after breakfast we'll be learning to roll and taking on the river...and it will be full speed ahead from there.  Fun will be hiking, horseback riding, and more.  I can't tell you how excited I have been since I was accepted into this program.  I don't know anyone that has ever done it.  No doctors ever told me about it.  I found it about 6 months ago through a web search and a series of links.  It happened to have been the week before they started taking applications.  I feel like I was led to it...and the timing was perfect...so that I actually got in!!!  More tender mercies...
(here is the link and video I posted before...but it gives you an idea of what I am doing...)
http://www.firstdescents.org/

I wasn't sure I could go with recent events...but I met with my surgical oncologist Thursday and begged him to wait.  Due to logisitical issues we can't do it until Sept. 21st...but it gives me time to get ready.  ALL of my other surgeries have been emergency surgeries.  I feel quietly relieved that he is letting me wait.   It will be similar to my other huge ones...and we will be ready to do the heated chemo again as well if they find more cancer involvement.  The incision will be the same huge one I have had... and it will be in spokane again.  All the same, except one crucial thing...I am SO much stronger this time.  It will brutal and another long hospitalization...but I've done it before...and will do it again.  I'll update more later but need to finish packing.  My pain isn't going to stop me from taking on the Colorado river...and I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!

Positive thoughts...

Another Surgery...

 I don't know the dates or details yet as my oncologist and surgeon are working that out.   They did an outpatient procedure with an injection yesterday to shut down my remaining ovary.  We are hoping that decrease the pain while I await surgery.  I am trying to put it off so that I can go on the cancer survivors kayaking retreat I mentioned.  I am supposed to leave next Sunday...and despite pain....I WANT TO GO SO BADLY~

My CT was inconclusive (as expected) regarding any cancer involvement...but showed large cysts(over 2 inches) again on my ovary and a few other things that need to come out.  Last August I was taken in for emergency surgery because of ascites and severe ovary pain. That was the beginning of a pretty bad spiral that I barely made it through.  It sounds routine, but my body is so ravaged inside that it isn't a small surgery like it would be for someone else.  That is typically done laparoscopic, but I am no longer a candidate for those because of all the scarring and chaos in  my abdomen.   I will likely be cut open following my larger scar from breast area to pubic bone as usual.  I will know for sure next week.  I was supposed to have a total hysterectomy with my first heated chemo super surgery, but after coersion the doctor allowed me to keep those organs in the miracle chance that I might heal enough to have another child someday.  With all that has happened, that is no longer an option and it is a sore loss for our family.  We consider ourselves so blessed to have the amazing girls that we do.   In an effort to save my ovaries from the cancer, the surgeon sliced off the entire outside (or peeled) them and then poured the heated chemo on them that caused severe burns.  THey have tried to heal, but the damage was too great.  I tried to keep them... obvoiusly shouldn't have.  I am so glad I am stronger now than the last time I had surgery.  I will let you know the details as they evolve.  We will not know if there is more cancer until the surgery, after the pathology is determined.  I am convinced there won't be cancer...and that this is just another bump in my road to recovery.

If you don't mind...

I would really appreciate your prayers.  Tomorrow is a big day full of lots of Ct scans, tests and another draining of the stomach fluid (ascites)that has been filling up my abdomen.  The last few months, my stomach has been growing and is full of fluid again...looking similiar to pregnancy.  It has grown quite a bit in the last week since I got sick...and the pain is near constant now. 

I have been trying to keep my fears on the down low... but I am really starting to try to mentally prepare myself for what is next.  They will drain the fluid again and test it for malignancy.  We don't know the cause of it.  Last August I had it really bad and was taken in for emergency surgery that I barely made it out of.  It is typically caused by cancer...but we can't seem to find where it is.  It is usually produced by the liver, but mine seems to be produced lower by my remaining ovary or something around it.  Organs don't typicaly weep...this is a bit exteme, but my abdomen has endured severe trauma.  I hope that is the cause.  That's also where the pain is centralized.  It is a deep, sharp pain that often takes away my breath and stops me in my tracks. I know it isn't normal...and I need to get it fixed.  My cancer usually spreads on the outside of organs and shuts them down...this feels much deeper.  The difference in the pain worries me in all honesty.  I am still very hopeful and know I will WIN this darn battle.  I have to admit, though, that I feel like I am possibly at the beginning a scary cycle again.  If you can remember, please keep me in your prayers.   I will share the results as soon as they are known.  My mind is FULL of positive self talk. Here we go!

Just thinking...

Another experience I had today.  I was talking with a group of ladies and I had a conversation so seeped in irony that it made me think.  One insisted that she will never go to church because she doesn't like feeling pressured to service others or to give anything of herself.  She said she does enough for her kids...and that there was no way she would give more to church. I had never heard such calloused selfish declarations before...it was strange.  My heart pounded and I knew I needed to say something  but I wasn't sure what to say.

I explained in the best way I could that my faith has added so much to my life.  Giving of myself to others has been such a source of joy and true happiness to me.  It is what has kept my mind off my own trials and frustrations.  I recognize the Lord's hand each day in my life.  She spoke with such an attitude of indifference that it made me sad for her...but as she kept talking she explained how she struggles deeply with depression,   I wish she could understand that charity and following Christ are such a source of joy. Not the fleeting joy that is felt by superficial worldly things...but true, lasting joy.  My faith doesn't mean that my life will be easy each day, perfect, or without trial...it just means I will know my purpose and feel his support during those trials.  I know without doubt that the Lord didn't make us and send us to Earth just to have fun...live a little, and die.  Our universe has too much brilliant organization and order for life to be so haphazard and so senseless.  I know our lives have purpose.  I am so grateful for that knowledge.  Our conversation was brief...most of the "aha" moments were in my head as I listened to her.

Fantastic Day!

Sometimes I have wonderful moments that I think I will never forget.  Today I wanted to record this one so that I don't forget it.  (I was hurting all morning pretty badly, but decided to try to play tennis anyway.  I have figured out that if I keep myself moving and as busy as possible, sometimes what I am doing can overshadow the pain.)  Anyway...

I was a FUN doubles match of tennis...the court to the right of me had Aana playing with friends of hers.   I could hear her laughing...and saw a big grin on her face.  Addie was on the players bench cheering me on and making sign language "I love you" signs each time I looked at her.  It is a moment that I felt truly ALIVE.  I have a lot of those...and don't want to ever take them for granted. 

Treasure those simple moments...think about the abundance of things that make you smile each day.  Count your blessing.  I am... and I hope I always DO! :)

It won't slow me down...

But I should tell you that the pain I have been having the past few months has increased.  It is near constant, but often takes my breath away and completely stops me in my tracks.  I have had tests that are inconclusive.  A likely cause is cancer, but...it could be from extreme trauma to my abdominal cavity...a ton of surgery, boiling chemo poured in creating 3rd degree burns on every surface, iv chemo pumped inside, adhesions galore, more surgery, cancer...etc.  The pain is located in the same area where the fluid (ascites) has been building up.  It isn't as large as last sept when I looked so pregnant, but it is definitely there.    Please continue to keep me in your prayers.  I have felt the power of prayer and witnessed its miracles.  I continue to press forward with GREAT HOPE...and am living my life to the fullest each day.  I know each day is a gift...and that perspective has changed everything.   I have more ct scans and tests early in July.  For now, I am trying to gain strength and health so that my body will be ready if I need surgery again.  I hurt...but feel SO much better than I did 6 months ago.  I am not writing this to complain...just to keep you updated.  I'm still raising my own kids.  I'm NOT in a hospital.  I'm not on a feeding tube.  I'm not hooked to iv's.  I'm not on chemo.  And I'm STILL playing tennis.   I am so LUCKY!!!

And they NEVER told me...

Most of you probably don't know this, but when we lived in Cleveland, OH...we spent 2 years living as some of the ONLY "Gentiles" in an exclusively Hacidic (or Orthodox) Jewish neighborhood.  We adored living there! 

They were clean, respectful, fantastic neighbors.  We loved learning about their culture and religion.  They firmly followed their beliefs...and people from all around would come to our neighborhood after sundown on Friday evenings to Saturday evening (which was their sabbath.)  This picture isn't the best...but is what we saw from our front windows each day.  On their Sabbath they couldn't drive, or even close their car doors.   You would see them walking to temple in groups.  The men in black suits, with black kaftans (or top hats), and long beards.  When you saw the women, they would have their hair covered, or wear a wig...with long skirts and sleeves.  They strongly valued their modesty.  They walked several times a day to temple and study of the ancient scrolls in Hebrew. They couldn't cook on the Sabbath... or turn on their heaters, or even turn on or off a light.  (Their lights would be in timers or they had blackening shades they would put on lamps so that they didn't break their rules.)  They loved having token "gentiles" (US) nearby...because if something needed done on their Sabbath...they would call us.  It gave us many opportunities to see firsthand how they lived.  They would have their Shabbat dinner like clockwork on Friday evenings...and you could see them from through their front windows going through their ceremonies.  We were invited several times and it was a wonderful experience. 

Passover and other holidays were simply amazing and I will have to post later to explain it all.  There are times of the year like Sukkot that they have to build Sukkahs (temporary shelters like forts) and live in them for 7 days to commemorate the forty-year period during which the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, living in temporary shelters.   When we first moved in...no one warned us what was going on and I woke up one day thinking I was in a dream.  It is hard to explain how unique this subculture was.   I could go on an on about this... but...We gained such respect for them and the adherence to their faith...and I think they gained the same respect for our faith and devotion.

ANYWAY...as much as we were around the Orthodox Jews and spent time with them...none of them ever told me what my names means to Jewish people.  I just learned by chance that a "Shanda" is a shame of great proportions."   Awesome.  I now am trying to remember if they ever laughed behind my back.  How come they never told me.  That is worse than having spinach stuck between my front teeth at a dinner party.

Grateful for Good men in my life...

I am grateful for a good husband, who works hard, but is a fun, caring father.  My girls adore him and he is smitten by them.   I think Larry had a good Father's Day.

Shattering the Illusion that cancer makes people Fragile...

I just got my plane ticket and I am offically going to a week long young cancer survivors kayaking retreat in Vail, Co.  It is through an amazing organization called First Descents.  I was accepted a few months ago, but worried that I might not have the health to be able to go.  I decided I'm going...positive thoughts!

Here is their story: n 2001, ten young adults took to the rivers of Colorado in whitewater kayaks. For seven days, they learned the basics of the sport, eventually conquering Class III rapids before the week’s end. They were there to prove themselves and to prove a point: that cancer, no matter how aggressive, dormant, advanced, or invasive, would never be stronger than they were.

http://www.firstdescents.org/

I am going July 31-Aug 6th...and I am nervous, but SO excited.  My body is weakened, but still strong.  It is trying to heal... and has been rallying for me.  This will be something that I do just for me...and I can't wait!!!

I pulled of a TRUE surprise!

I haven't been blogging much lately, because I have been busy LIVING!  I count my blessings daily for that and so much more!

The last few weeks I have been busy planning a big SURPRISE party for my mom's 50th bday.  She has been my rock this past year and has kept my life running and raised my girls the past year when I wasn't able to.  Her big birthday was the perfect opportunity to show her how much she means to me and so many of her friends.  All of the pictures I took didn't work because in all my preparations...I forgot the memory card in my camera. 

She got out of the car..looked confused, then cried...HAPPY tears.  It was awesome.  I was so grateful that many of her friends were there to make it so special.

I just saw this and loved it!

Soaking up the Sun...

Can I tell you how amazing it feels to sit and weed my flower beds...hear my kids giggling as they run through the sprinklers...and feel the sun on my face?  Amazing day full of simple pleasures!

I have symptoms returning and am in pain...but compared to last summer...I have no complaints!  Life is GOOD!