It won't slow me down...

But I should tell you that the pain I have been having the past few months has increased.  It is near constant, but often takes my breath away and completely stops me in my tracks.  I have had tests that are inconclusive.  A likely cause is cancer, but...it could be from extreme trauma to my abdominal cavity...a ton of surgery, boiling chemo poured in creating 3rd degree burns on every surface, iv chemo pumped inside, adhesions galore, more surgery, cancer...etc.  The pain is located in the same area where the fluid (ascites) has been building up.  It isn't as large as last sept when I looked so pregnant, but it is definitely there.    Please continue to keep me in your prayers.  I have felt the power of prayer and witnessed its miracles.  I continue to press forward with GREAT HOPE...and am living my life to the fullest each day.  I know each day is a gift...and that perspective has changed everything.   I have more ct scans and tests early in July.  For now, I am trying to gain strength and health so that my body will be ready if I need surgery again.  I hurt...but feel SO much better than I did 6 months ago.  I am not writing this to complain...just to keep you updated.  I'm still raising my own kids.  I'm NOT in a hospital.  I'm not on a feeding tube.  I'm not hooked to iv's.  I'm not on chemo.  And I'm STILL playing tennis.   I am so LUCKY!!!

And they NEVER told me...

Most of you probably don't know this, but when we lived in Cleveland, OH...we spent 2 years living as some of the ONLY "Gentiles" in an exclusively Hacidic (or Orthodox) Jewish neighborhood.  We adored living there! 

They were clean, respectful, fantastic neighbors.  We loved learning about their culture and religion.  They firmly followed their beliefs...and people from all around would come to our neighborhood after sundown on Friday evenings to Saturday evening (which was their sabbath.)  This picture isn't the best...but is what we saw from our front windows each day.  On their Sabbath they couldn't drive, or even close their car doors.   You would see them walking to temple in groups.  The men in black suits, with black kaftans (or top hats), and long beards.  When you saw the women, they would have their hair covered, or wear a wig...with long skirts and sleeves.  They strongly valued their modesty.  They walked several times a day to temple and study of the ancient scrolls in Hebrew. They couldn't cook on the Sabbath... or turn on their heaters, or even turn on or off a light.  (Their lights would be in timers or they had blackening shades they would put on lamps so that they didn't break their rules.)  They loved having token "gentiles" (US) nearby...because if something needed done on their Sabbath...they would call us.  It gave us many opportunities to see firsthand how they lived.  They would have their Shabbat dinner like clockwork on Friday evenings...and you could see them from through their front windows going through their ceremonies.  We were invited several times and it was a wonderful experience. 

Passover and other holidays were simply amazing and I will have to post later to explain it all.  There are times of the year like Sukkot that they have to build Sukkahs (temporary shelters like forts) and live in them for 7 days to commemorate the forty-year period during which the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, living in temporary shelters.   When we first moved in...no one warned us what was going on and I woke up one day thinking I was in a dream.  It is hard to explain how unique this subculture was.   I could go on an on about this... but...We gained such respect for them and the adherence to their faith...and I think they gained the same respect for our faith and devotion.

ANYWAY...as much as we were around the Orthodox Jews and spent time with them...none of them ever told me what my names means to Jewish people.  I just learned by chance that a "Shanda" is a shame of great proportions."   Awesome.  I now am trying to remember if they ever laughed behind my back.  How come they never told me.  That is worse than having spinach stuck between my front teeth at a dinner party.

Grateful for Good men in my life...

I am grateful for a good husband, who works hard, but is a fun, caring father.  My girls adore him and he is smitten by them.   I think Larry had a good Father's Day.

Shattering the Illusion that cancer makes people Fragile...

I just got my plane ticket and I am offically going to a week long young cancer survivors kayaking retreat in Vail, Co.  It is through an amazing organization called First Descents.  I was accepted a few months ago, but worried that I might not have the health to be able to go.  I decided I'm going...positive thoughts!

Here is their story: n 2001, ten young adults took to the rivers of Colorado in whitewater kayaks. For seven days, they learned the basics of the sport, eventually conquering Class III rapids before the week’s end. They were there to prove themselves and to prove a point: that cancer, no matter how aggressive, dormant, advanced, or invasive, would never be stronger than they were.

http://www.firstdescents.org/

I am going July 31-Aug 6th...and I am nervous, but SO excited.  My body is weakened, but still strong.  It is trying to heal... and has been rallying for me.  This will be something that I do just for me...and I can't wait!!!

I pulled of a TRUE surprise!

I haven't been blogging much lately, because I have been busy LIVING!  I count my blessings daily for that and so much more!

The last few weeks I have been busy planning a big SURPRISE party for my mom's 50th bday.  She has been my rock this past year and has kept my life running and raised my girls the past year when I wasn't able to.  Her big birthday was the perfect opportunity to show her how much she means to me and so many of her friends.  All of the pictures I took didn't work because in all my preparations...I forgot the memory card in my camera. 

She got out of the car..looked confused, then cried...HAPPY tears.  It was awesome.  I was so grateful that many of her friends were there to make it so special.

I just saw this and loved it!

Soaking up the Sun...

Can I tell you how amazing it feels to sit and weed my flower beds...hear my kids giggling as they run through the sprinklers...and feel the sun on my face?  Amazing day full of simple pleasures!

I have symptoms returning and am in pain...but compared to last summer...I have no complaints!  Life is GOOD!

So Grateful for our Freedoms!

 And ALL those who have made it possible!

We went to a local cemetery where 1004 flags were out in honor of local veterans who have lost their lives in combat.  My hearts swells when I see our flag flying across a blue sky.  I get teary thinking of all of the sacrifices that have been made for our freedoms.  I am so grateful to be an American~

Metamorposis...and Butterflies!

My oldest has been learning about metamorposis in school, so I decided to order some caterpillars for my girls to watch as they change into butterflies.  They LOVED it.  They would check everyday and Aana would teach us all about the caterpillars.  We learned that caterpillar waste is called "Fras."...and SO much more.  She is reading insect encyclopedias in her free time, so she was full of fun information.  After about a week, they got into their "J" shapes and became a chrysalis.  My girls checked on them several times and day and we were so lucky that we were in the room watching while three of them emerged as butterflies.   They are now outside and hopefully safe.  Do you know butterflies only live a couple of weeks?  That was news to me.

It got me thinking though...about the amazing processes of change that occur in our lives.  In mortality, a large part of our existence is to have experiences, grow, and change.   I have watched some of the most amazing transformations of lives, hearts, attitudes, and more...in my life and those around me.  I am grateful for those experiences that push me out of my comfort zone and cause me to change...and polish my rough edges.  For some reason our family's butterflies reminded me of our potential...as God's children...to grow and learn to fill our roles as the beautiful individuals he knows we can be. 

Bugz...and Bugs!

 Last week Aana was in a musical at her school called, "Bugz."  They sang, danced, and made us all laugh.  It was great!  All of the kids had to dress up like the bug of their choice.  I thought for sure she would want to be something beautiful like a butterfly, dragonfly or ladybug...but I was WRONG.  She wanted to be a beetle (more specifically a stink bug!)  Kids are SO random!  She stunk (by her own doing) and put a pillow up her back to look like a rounded exoskeleton.  I wasn't sure what else to do for that one. 

Don't let anything stop you from enjoying the sunshine in YOUR life!

Friday, I was given the opportunity to speak to over 500 middle school students and tell them my "survival" story to promote cancer awarenes.  I was asked the day before and had very little time to prepare...but the words just came to me and I think it went well.  Beyond talking about cancer...my goal was to give them all "hope" in their own trials...and remind them that they also can do hard things!

Best Mothers Day gifts ever...

 

Aana wrote this for me and laminated it for Mother's Day.  I LOVED IT!



Outside of Heart Card from Addie



Inside: "Mom, HABE! MOTHERS" (she forgot day)...she spelled it herself. I LOVE phoenetic spelling. 



Vegas Dental Convention

Last week the entire staff of my husband's dental office flew to Las Vegas for a huge dental convention.  There were 16 total...14 women and the two drs.  Lets just say the men were outnumbered.  We learned a ton during the classes and came home with alot of fun new ideas for the practice...but we also made time for fun. We all went to see the Cirque Du Soleil show "Beatles LOVE"...and it was wonderful!  Larry and I also went to see the Blue Man Group and sat up front in the paint splash zone.  Once again...we didn't take any pictures (lame, I know), but a booth at the conference took this one.  Nice face, Larry!

We had a great trip, but that place is SO filthy.  It was nice to return to a smoke free, sober environment.  I was away from my girls for mother's day...but they were in good hands.  My Mother in law and sister in law, Marianne, flew out and took care of them.  The kids had a blast and we were all happy!

Amazing Easter!

I always love Easter, but this year seemed extra special to me.  My husband was home all weekend, my girls were giggly and excited, we dyed egs...and hunted for eggs, the weather was nice, my daughters were like sponges asking insightful questions about Christ's resurrection, we saw a beautiful play depicting the life and mission of our Savior, we went to my parent's house for a wonderful Easter dinner, and we enjoyed time with our family.  It was a beautiful weekend! 

I was caught up in moments...not worrying about catching a great shot of the girls in easter dresses or hunting for eggs.  I'll post the few that we got anyway.

I have a strong testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of him.  I spent time each day studying his life and final weeks.  I have gotten to know him much better this year and I will be forever grateful for his atonement.

‎"The key is not to prioritize your schedule

but to schedule your priorities."

- Stephen R. Covey

I love this quote...I am really trying to live this way.  I want to work each day toward my goals, make time for the things that really matter, and not regret not living each day to it's potential.

More questions than answers! But here's what I know

I have gone to a few appointments this week to get results from recent ct scans and other tests.   I have known from the beginning that my cancer is rarely detected in these tests.  I had over 10 ct scans and they were never able to "see" my stage 4 cancer.  I have an elusive cancer breed, I guess. 

That being said, they didn't see tumors on my scans, but there was other evidence of malignancy.  I have some tests with liver counts that are worrisome (apparently I'm close to being jaundice...no yellowing yet, but I am itchy all over and I guess that is why.)  I also have more of that fluid build-up back in my abdominal cavity.  Last time I had this,  I looked pregnant overnight and this one is accumulating much slower.  My remaining ovary and uteris are painful, angry and are covered in cysts, but they are very hesitant to operate on me to fix them.  Basically, the drs are scratching their heads and wondering what to do next.  So...we can't see cancer, but can't explain other sympotms that are most often caused by cancer.   We are going to try to wait and see what happens with the ascites (fluid)...and will likely have it drained and checked for malignancy.   Beyond that, I'm not sure. 

But...I feel good...I wish there were more definitive answers, but am grateful at least that they didn't see anything big or obvoius.  I am enjoying the break from chemo, surgeries, and hospitals.  I feel like I am good hands both medically and spiritually.  That is enough to keep me going!  I continue to count my blessings everyday!

The only way to climb a mountain...

Is one step at at time!
A couple of days ago we went hiking as a family for the first time.  When we sat at the base, my children thought there was NO way we were going to make it all the way to the top.  We started our trek...one step at a time...and before we knew it...we were on the top looking down.  We had a great lesson on the top about setting goals and keeping our eyes on our goals.  We talked about how we can do hard things...one step at a time.  Life has reminded me of this simple lesson several times lately.  If you are facing things that you find insurmountable...just remember, you CAN do it, one step, or day, or moment at a time.  We can do hard things!  We are not alone!  I been gently reminded to always keep my eyes on my goals and spend time on the things that mattermost.  I have committed to trying to make all my moments count!

Tests tomorrow and National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week

Tomorrow I have CT scans and other tests that have me a bit nervous.  Your prayers have been heard and yeilded amazing miracles... please keep me in your prayers tonight if you can.  I won't know results until next week when I meet with all of my specialists.  I will let you know as soon as I do. 

Also...this week is National Young Adult Cancer Awareness week.  Did you know that more people between 20-39 die each year from Cancer than all of the other leading causes combined?  Also..most of those deaths are because the cancer is detected when it is too far advanced.  If you have symptoms that you know aren't right...get them checked.  If the dr. dismisses your concern because of your age...get a 2nd opinion.  I sure wish I would have.  Early detection makes a world of difference in treatment.

Simple moments

Its the simplest things that I find myself cherishing SO much!  Today the girls and I played at the park, took a walk, skipped rocks, had a picnic with friends, made dinner, and laughed a lot.  It was a great day!  I continue to count my blessings!  I have several cancer tests coming up this week, so please keep that in your prayers.  I don't know what is next, but I am sure grateful for today!