Come What May...and LOVE it!

CeLeBrAtInG!

2012-02-16T22:05:00.001-08:00

I am now a licensed ZUMBA instructor...but more importantly, today was my 11 year wedding anniversary. Here's to 11+11+11+11+11+11 more!

My new "LIFE LIST"...

2012-02-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

I am packing to leave town tomorrow to check off yet another thing on my "life list". (which is somewhat like a bucket list, I guess...but is comprised of things I want to do in my life.) I am making lists of things I want to do. I spent too many years being afraid to try new things, to look dumb putting myself out there, and avoided getting outside my comfort zone. Cancer has caused me to face many fears head on...and I've learned that I CAN do much more than I ever imagined or gave myself credit for. And trying new things is only hard if I let it be. I have discovered some amazing new hobbies in the last two years and can't figure out why I spent so much of my life missing out on SO much!

No one knows...but this week I am going to become a certified ZUMBA instructor. Why not right? Yep...that's what I said. This is another thing I am doing...just to show my body that I am in control...and that I can. I'll let you know how it goes.

Also...Last week I officially signed up as the captain of a competitive USTA tennis team. I'm weak... but full of passion for a game that I LOVE. So...bring it! I love the chance to practice and make my physical weaknesses strong. I am training for it like I would a marathon. And I am committed! Win or lose...I feel like I've won just by overcoming my fear to try.

A day to rejoice in LOVE...

2012-02-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

Free Printable from thegirlcreative

I adore Valentines day...as it is a celebration of LOVE. It think too often we get stuck in the idea of the presence/ (or lack of) romantic love in our lives...but it is so much more. Even those that feel alone...are surrounded by love. Hopefully everyone is able to feel LOVED...by their Heavenly Father, by their family, and by their friends. One lesson I learned this year...is that we don't often enough share our love. I was near death a few times, and YOU ALL rallied around me and poured out your LOVE (to which I will be forever grateful!!) It caused me to think, though...how much we each need that in every step of our journey in life and I am recommitted to showing those in my life how much I appreciate them...everyday.

Sometimes, it comes as a random long hug for my kids...or looking them in the eyes and telling them how much I love certain parts of their personalities...or a small note of gratitude for my husband...or letting go of a quarrel that isn't important so we can focus on what IS important... or telling my friends and neighbors how much I appreciate them in my life. Some people brighten up immediately...and some have a hard time hearing it, but I am trying even harder to share my LOVE. My heart is full this day. My girls and I spent hours making small tokens of love to share with neighbors and family. We drove around and left surprises on doorsteps and it felt good. If you haven't already... express love and gratitude... and hug someone special just a little bit longer than usual. Love is an AMAZING gift!

My personal Labor Day...TWO birthdays and celebrations!

2012-02-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

Both of my amazing daughters had their birthday last week. They were both born...on the same day...8 lbs, 8oz...on February 7th...4 years apart. For some reason, that day is when labor works for me!

We spent the week in party preparations and had a blast. The girls had a combined ZUMBA party. They each invited their friends and danced their hearts out. There were dancing lights, mirrors, and of course...Zumba. They LOVED it!!! I saw moves that I think they must have gotten from their father...because I know I can't do them.

NEW FOCUS...and OH SO ALIVE!

2012-02-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

My blogging lull will soon come to an end, as I have new ideas. I have spent much of the last two years sharing part of my experience being diagnosed with cancer, my way of coping with my diagnosis, my surgeries, my chemo experiences, and more... but since there are no treatments or surgeries on the near horizon... I will now dramatically shift my focus. Now I want to share how I LIVE... and experience each day to its fullest. How I share my love with my family...how I treasure and organize my time (the best I can)... and how I no longer let fears rule my life as I move forward doing things I never imagined I would... and SMILING all the way!

Tonight my kids are puking and need my help. But I am so grateful to be able to take care of them for a change...as they have been by my bedside so many times! I have so much more to share...

To be continued!!!

Oh and...

2012-01-28T22:41:00.000-08:00

Did I tell you I got accepted to come back for a second year First Descents camp...and will be kayaking for a week in Glacier National park this summer? I can't tell you how excited I am for that!!!!

Applications are now open for First Descents. If you know any cancer survivor/fighter that is 18-39...please encourage them to apply. It has been one of the greatest experiences of my life...and it is an experience not to be missed. ( Don't get cancer so that you can apply...but if you are already a "survivor"...then sign up here...and tell them "Limbo" sent you.) And...don't forget...it FREE.

I will be doing a challenge for myself to pay it forward for a first year camper for Team FD...so watch for that. I'm still trying to think of a cool way to challenge myself and help out. If you have any ideas...feel free to drop me a comment or email. Also...my team FD page is here....if you would like to make a small donation to give another survivor the amazing experience that I had. No pressure...

Scan results and life...

2012-01-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted very much, but I have so much to share. I really need to post pictures. I have been so busy just trying to get the strength and jump back into MY AMAZING LIFE with both feet. My girls keep me busy doing crafts, running them to lessons and school, playing games, and catching up on everything else we missed out on the last two years. We count our blessing daily that we are together and are able to do whatever we want to with our days. You should hear the prayers of gratitude offered several times a day at our house. My kids don't miss a chance to bless my health and thank Heavenly Father for having their mom back. It warms my heart!!!
I am also happy to report that today I officially played my tennis match since early last September. I have tried to get back on court but have taken it very easy with limited play and movement in simple classes. Today, I played a doubles match and felt SO thrilled to be able to. I almost tripped on my dumb numb legs twice...but didn't....and it felt so good just to play. I am even forming a competitive team that will start intense practicing...just because I can!
There are still no treatment options for me at this time...but I am grateful the CT scan results I just got. My scans have never been able to detect my cancer...so I knew they wouldn't see that...but the ascites (fluid in my abdomen) that I have had the last year has mostly all reabsorbed...and that was great news. That means my organs are healing and not distressed and pumping out fluid from the trauma. They are healing...it is truly amazing. My liver, for example...was poisoned, severely burned, then had a big cancerous part of it removed. That caused problems with its function...my counts have all been off for quite some time. This ct showed healing..and my labs are miraculously returning to normal. The body is such an amazing gift. I am eating healthy, fighting my cancer with nutrition and FAITH...and will be as strong as I can until a new treatment surfaces. I am feeling better each day...and I feel so blessed!!!!!!!!

loved this...and so true!

2012-01-14T20:53:00.000-08:00

You never know what life is going to throw at you...so...

Another CT this week...

2012-01-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

They usually don't see anything on my CT's...but I get them regularly anyway. I am always nervous as I go and ask you to keep me in your prayers. Thank you in advance. I will share results as I get them.

A pivotal moment...

2012-01-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

There are some people that come into our lives...at just the right time. Recently I had the chance to go to lunch with two friends that I hadn't seen in quite a while. I first met Dave (the husband) at the cancer center. It was during my 3rd week of chemo and I was SO SICK. My body had a horrible reaction to one of the drugs in my chemo regimen and I had extreme symptoms that weren't expected. I remember trying to be brave and was in the waiting room just shaking and trying to hold back my tears. I had a doomed feeling... and I was TERRIFIED!
I was afraid that my body wasn't going to tolerate the chemo and that I might die...just because I didn't think my body could take another round. I knew my diagnosis was bad and I NEEDED the chemo to give me a chance. I was saying that to my mom who was waiting with me...and I was feeling so broken and defeated...to the very core of my being. The next thing I remember was this kind man whom I didn't know coming over to me and wrapping his arms around me in an embrace and just holding me as I cried. He will never know how badly I needed that hug...that extra strength at that exact moment...and the reassurance that I could do it. It was almost like my Savior was there wrapping his arms around me. It gave me the fortitude to continue and was a pivotal point for me....much more so than I can put into words.

I later met his truly amazing wife as well and crossed paths with them while I was doing infusions over the next year. When I went to lunch with them last week, we discussed that first meeting...and I was able to thank him for that hug. We talked about how he felt like he should come try to comfort me, but then doubted himself since he didn't even know me. He wasn't sure if he should or not...but he heeded the prompting he received...and it is a moment in my life that will forever stay with me.

This experience is one of so many times where people have acted as "angels" in my life during the past two years. A lesson that I have learned is that we truly need to ACT when prompted to do something for others....no matter what doubts come into our minds. The Lord has put people in my path...so many amazing people... who have listened and have stepped in during such critical times. Please never underestimate your power to change lives and do good... And if you think someone might need you... they probably do! YOU are amazing and might be the answer to someone's most urgent prayer!

Two Year Diagnosis Anniversary...but LIFE goes on!

2012-01-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

January 5th is a day that completely rocked my world...two years ago. The good new is that I was so busy that day that I didn't even slow down to remember. I count that as a HUGE blessing. The 5th was on Thursday...and that morning, I was blessed to do SO many things that I wasn't able to for so long. I got my girls ready for school, went to the TENNIS class that I used to go to, I drove my girls to different lessons after school, I took them to a Zumba class with me, and I rode an exercise bike...then came home to make dinner and have a fun family evening. My days aren't all that busy, but it was such a great example of LIVING and my heart has been so full.
Another small milestone: I got fully cleared from all of my doctors to return to tennis...and it is something that I had really missed. It is amazing to me that I can play. My vision has been limited since my brush with near starvation a year ago. Many of you also know...but I lost ALL feeling in both legs from my knees down from severe nerve damage. I still think it is a miracle that I can walk...but I can. I step on court with my raquet in my hand and I just smile. One of my goals for this year is to get strong enough to enter a tournament. I have a long way to go...and need to regain so much strength, but I can't wait to do it! (Side note: your bodies are such blessing...treasure them and be good to them. They are AMAZING creations!!! Please never take your health for granted!)

My favorite Christmas thought...

2011-12-24T22:08:00.000-08:00

“This Christmas, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again.”

~Howard W. Hunter

I have posted this before, but I challenge myself to try each of these things through the preparations for the holidays. Doing this helps make my Christmas more meaningful. I feel SO grateful to be home and with my family this Christmas. As you know, I was recently told there is no more chemo available to me to help fight my cancer at this time. The silver lining of that is that I get to have a chemo/hospital free Christmas. We are having a wonderful time together. We have talked of our Savior and studied the scriptures about his birth. We have enjoyed doing service and sung carols to proclaim his birth. The tree is lit and the presents are wrapped. I need nothing more...my Christmas is complete! I am so grateful for this time to reflect again on my blessings~ Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas~ 2011~

2011-12-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

Braithwaite’s Top “Eleven” of 2011:

11. Our family is SO excited to be at home and together for this holiday season. NO hospitals…

10. Speaking of TEN… Larry and Shanda celebrated 10 years of marriage and took a fantastic cruise!

9. Addie (4 ½) got darling glasses and “wonders why everyone always asks her if she sees better now.”

8. Shanda is on medical leave from tennis, but has a new passion...whitewater kayaking. An amazing cancer retreat gave her a chance to face new fears other than cancer…and CONQUER them. She’s hooked!

7. Aana (8 ½) was baptized and met her goal of finishing the Book of Mormon beforehand. She is also learning to sew and made an entire quilt by herself. She dreams of designing her own clothing line.

6. Larry has traveled the country learning new dental tricks and continues to root for his Cougars!!

5. Addie learned to read this year, but really enjoys writing and illustrating her own books. By next Christmas, she wants to see them at Barnes and Noble.

4. Shanda is looking for a doctor that will install a zipper in her abdomen. She’s a trooper and is healing from her 12th surgery. They removed more cancer…and we pray that was the last of it.

3. With flashcards and practice, Aana “mastered” pig latin…only to find out it didn’t really count as a foreign language. It crushed her dreams of being a pig latin teacher when she “grows up.”

2. For the 2nd year in a row, Larry earned “Most Handsome Mr. Mom.” His passion for juggling has paid off and allowed him to keep working and keep the house running. (thx to all those that have helped as well!)

1. WE SURVIVED…and also THRIVED!

Has it been that long?

2011-12-06T12:35:00.000-08:00

I am here...and am doing well. I can't believe how much time has passed since I blogged. Life has been wonderfully busy. I am grateful that my energy is increasing so that I can actually be BUSY. What a welcome contrast from being stuck in a hospital or in bed!

Thanksgiving was wonderful...but we did it a bit different. I didn't have the energy to put on a huge dinner here, so we left town so that my kids could have a fun memory. We went to an indoor waterpark/fun center. It was perfect because there was NO ONE there...and I could sit on the side and watch while the kids had a blast. They needed to just have FUN...with no reserves...and THEY DID! They laughed, swam, played laser tag, bowled, rock climbed, mined for gems, mini golfed... and didn't miss turkey at all. I was so content to participate where I could but watch them and just soak it all in. The chance to spend time with my family is what I was most grateful for...and I got it!! I was so busy watching that I didn't really take pictures.

On a separate note: I am HEALING...and can tell a huge difference in my energy level. I can go all day without having to lay in bed from pain. I am even awake now when my husband gets home from work. I didn't last that long before. I am daily returning to my normal tasks and routines more and more and I can't tell you how amazing that feels. I REJOICE in laundry, carpooling, and the daily grind. I count my blessings that I can do them. For so long these past two years...I couldn't!

Tender...tender mercies

2011-11-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

We made dinner for a friend this week and a very special experience happened when dropping it off. My youngest was playing with their daughter that is the same age. They are really good friends. She sat down beside her friend and quietly asked, "have you been praying for my mom, because she really needs it?" Her friends said she hadn't but was so glad I am starting to feel better. My little one grabbed her hand and said, " than lets say a prayer for her right now." These two 4 year olds stopped playing and said a prayer for ME...and asked our Heavenly Father that I will have no more cancer, no more surgeries, no more chemo, and no more hospitals...that my stomach will feel better, that I won't have anymore big "owies", and that I can be a Mom again.

This is part of the reason I can honestly say cancer has become a blessing. To witness this powerful testimony of prayer...by a 4 year old...who knows to kneel and ask her Lord for help in the thing that is upsetting her world the most. She KNOWS he hears our prayers...and she doesn't skip a day without asking for his help. (and apparently doesn't let her friends skip any days either.) She somehow has the patience to know that not all prayers are answered immediately or on our time. Her simple, yet profound faith is an example to me.

The Dr. weighed in...

2011-11-14T21:45:00.000-08:00

First of all, I have to tell you that I am getting stronger each day. This has definitely been my slowest recovery, but I think it is to be expected with all my body has been through. Yesterday I made dinner for my family...and even homemade bread. (which was huge for me.) I am pushing myself as far as I can daily and can't wait to report to you that I'm fully back. I'm trying...so hard!!

As you know...they did find more cancer with the last surgery. It was on my uteris (which was removed with several other organs)...but it was good sized and went undetected by my doctor because it was hiding under SO much scar tissue. The inside of my abdomen is covered in 3rd degree burns from heated chemo and other treatments...so there is TONS of scarring all over inside. There is a chance that was the only cancer there...but the likelihood is not in my favor. I had been waiting on my oncologist to tell me if more chemo was needed.

I had my appt and he was so kind, but explained that there wasn't anything left to give me right now. We tried several different regimens already and I already had a reoccurrence, so he had no evidence that it did any good. I was bummed as you might guess, but I am at peace with it. I feel deep in my heart that I have more time...and I pray that during that time other treatments will be discovered. I have an orphan cancer, though...and there aren't many patients diagnosed with it. That means that there aren't really any clinical trials to develope treatments. I have heard rumor of one that is lacking funding...and is specifically for appendix cancer. I am working to organize a run that will benefit that clinical trial. The efforts could very well save MY life... You will definitely be hearing more about that as it evolves. Thanks again for all of the support.

to quote a legend that lost her battle to appendix cancer...the beautiful Audrey Hepburn.

With Gratitude

2011-11-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

Our Thoughts go to those that have paid the price to allow my children to live in freedom.

"A nation that does not honor its heroes will not long endure."

-President Abraham Lincoln

The Musings of an ambitious Child...

2011-11-08T19:25:00.000-08:00

My 8 year old is awesome and fills my life with so much joy. Today I couldn't help but to laugh as a scene unfolded. Maybe you will find this funny...or maybe it's just me.

All day she was practicing writing stories in pig latin. I thought it was cute and was just glad she was practicing writing. Then she explained that she was working really hard to memorize pig latin, because she wanted to be a teacher in a pig latin school when she grew up. I smiled...and was so proud of her ambitions. Then I had to deflate her dream and tell her pig latin was a made up language for fun. She was bummed...then I saw her in her room throwing away her stories and flashcards. It sure was a fun idea for an afternoon, though...and it made me smile. Cheers to pig latin!

Living with Cancer...

2011-11-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

http://www.tri-cityherald.com/2011/10/31/1699617/faces-of-cancer-fighting-for-your.html
I got to be part of an article written to end the newspaper's month of "faces with cancer." This was focused on living with cancer. I wasn't pictured because our schedules conflicted...but I felt grateful to be included.

It has been interesting to think afterward of what I reallly should have said and what living with cancer really means to me. Most of my ephiphanies come in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping and I can't...when my body hurts each time I move and my mind is weighed down with too many things to allow me to sleep. I don't remember them all right now, but here are a few that are in my mind.

For me, living with cancer means:

A lifetime of doctors appointments...and hanging on each word they say as their words determine my future.

Always holding a dark umbrella, but making extra effort to not live in it's shadow.

Being aware of every single minute in my life...and accountable for it.

ALWAYS keeping my focus on the sunshine...even in the dark.

Letting go of independence and relying on others for help with everything when needed.

Cherishing each gift life has to offer...and the simplest often mean the most or would be the most missed.

Not allowing petty things to ruin my day/relationship...because time is so valuable.

Being able to turn EVERYTHING in your life over to the Lord.

PATIENCE...on SO many levels!

Knowing that sometimes there is no way of fixing it.

Learning how to say "no" in life...and focusing all energy and time on what's most important.

Realizing that health is much deeper than physical appearance...looking healthy doesn't mean being healthy.

Being BRAVE even when you really want to curl up and cry.

Sharing love and kindness when you can...for no reason. Becasuse it has meant the world to me.

Pressing forward in FAITH and HOPE... NOT FEAR...and knowing that I've done everything I can do.

2011-10-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to the most AMAZING snuggles from my little one...and I felt so much stress, fear, and worry just melt away. She seems to know exactly when I'm needing it...and she held me close with our eyelashes touching and I just wanted to pause life...and not let that moment go. Last night I loved watching my oldest giggle to the point where she couldn't breath as she told me the cheesiest halloween jokes ever that she learned from school. She said she was practicing them so that she could make me laugh...and she did...I laughed until I was pretty sure I ripped something inside. I didn't feel well at all yesterday, but I barely remember that... These are the moments I cherish!

2011-10-19T12:46:00.000-07:00

not pretty...I know...but I am not ashamed. It goes much lower than you can see here...but this is what is on the outside...the worse is inside the abdomen...but luckily we can't see that!

I read this in a book recently and wrote down the quote...
"A scar does not form on the dying...it means you survived!" (from a book called Little Bee)

Can't see the sun, but can totally feel it's rays!

2011-10-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Healing is like a dance...quick step forward, a few slow steps back, step to the side... and back again. The music kept going...and days were passing. I am rehearsing a new dance now and I am so grateful. The beat is slow...but steady. Small step forward..sway to the music...small step forward...and repeat. Yes...you get my drift. There is actual forward momentum and I pray it continues. I am out of my bed more and can come downstairs and get a change of scenery from my bedroom. I have more energy...and I can see light at the end of the tunnel!

Sunday I got to visit with old friends from dental school we hadn't seen in years. They stopped by from out of state and I was so nervous...but I was able to visit most of the day. I also got to finally meet a new friend that has shared support through my blog and I was so grateful to embrace my new friend. I am embarrassed that people have to see me this way. I did get out of pj's...and tried to look somewhat normal. I am slow...my movement is awkward and limited...my conversations are slow and scattered...but hopefully everyone understands. It is part of healing... and I am finally healing.

There was a miracle last week that I would feel ungrateful if I didn't share. I was starting another abcess. I knew what it was because I had one last year at after a similiar surgery. It was setting me back badly because of the pain and kept me in bed non stop. I went to the dr and they could feel it. Almost the size of a tennis ball under my incision in the middle. It hurt, and hurt, and hurt each time I moved any part of my body. That night I prayed and begged the Lord to take it away...just because the last time I had an abcess the dr. that drained it made a HUGE error that almost ended my life. I don't think it would happen again, but it was my most recent experience and terrified me. I went in the next day for a ct scan...and the results showed no mass there. It was gone except for a bit of inflamed tissue that was much smaller. I believe in prayer. I know the Lord doesn't always answer that way or take away our trials...but this time he did...and I am so grateful. I am back on track to heal as I should...and I am grateful for miracles. They didn't end in Biblical days...there are modern miracles daily...I have witnessed many and I am so grateful. Many things in my life are broken...but my faith is whole and gives me so much hope.

Thank you all for your individual efforts and kindness you have shown to my family and I. Please know that your caring about my story...your prayers, thoughts, calls, cards, visits, comments, meals, and so much more have meant the world to me. You make me smile everyday and have made cancer a blessing. I have never before felt so loved! Thank you!!!

I can do this...

2011-10-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

I came home from the hospital a week ago and I am dissapointed to say that I have made no progress. I am stuck right now. I was getting worse earlier in the week because of rampant fevers and infection, but got new medicines last friday that should help. I am no longer slipping backwards, but am feeling frustrated that I am not moving forward either. I can't tell you how hard it is to have weeks slip away where you haven't been able to participate in life. Please note: This hasn't even been a fraction of as long as the other times I have been laid up, but after all of them, I am just done being bedriden...and I'm SO ready to heal. I wish I had more control over my body right now, but I DON'T. These times where I feel so powerless are those that allow me to communicate so honestly with my maker. He has been beside me each step of my life..but I have recognized his presence so strongly as my health has failed.

This morning I was feeling down when my girls were going off to school in mismatched outfits and crazy hair. It takes so little energy just to pick out clothes and fix their hair, but I didn't even have that much. I wanted to shower, but I am just too weak...and I was just hurting...every part of my body seems to be hurting. I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself wondering why I had to do this again... and then it was over. I was overwhelmed with what I could best explain as a ray of sunshine. It put a smile on my face and reminded me to keep that smile. Smiling along each step of the journey is what has allowed me to get through all the hell of the last to years. This surgery and recover is ROUGH...but nothing compared to what I've been through. I just think my body is tired. So, I gave it a pep talk...and my smile is back and bigger than ever. I am making post it notes of postivie affirmations for my bedroom... and I'm counting my blessings that this soon will be over. Already I feel stronger..and I am at least out of bed and sitting at the computer writing this.

IV's and help

2011-10-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

The last two days just felt like I was stepping backward and feeling pretty crummy. I finally got a hold of my surgeon and he ordered bloodwork and cultures on the fluid that has been accumulating and draining everyday. I ended up getting an IV infusion of some antibiotics to start helping as they were very confident that my abdominal cavity was severely infected again.(the cultures will come in by Monday...but they didn' t want to wait and have me crash worse.) I wish I could have taken notes, but the dr. explained to me how my insides are just so prone to infection post surgery because of the compartmentalization that has occurred because of scar tissue and adhesions all over. It doesn't make sense as I type tonight, but helped me to see what might be going on inside. I am so grateful for a caring oncologist. They kept 4 staff members on after 6 on a friday evening when they had already closed just to help me. If not, I would have been admitted to the hospital to receive the same tests, iv's, and care, but I would have had to stay at least through the weekend. I ended up covered in hives from the antibiotic, but they fixed that, too...and I am starting to feel better already just a couple hours later. I sure hope this makes a difference and helps me start really healing. I have some truly wonderful doctors that are on my team and was so grateful for their time tonight.

Home again, Home again...Jiggety jig!

2011-10-05T22:40:00.000-07:00

Scavenger Hunt was a success. Addie was
terrified to crawl into my bed previous to this surgery.

Despite fevers and a bit of uncertainty, they doctor released me and I have slept in my own bed the last two nights. Yehaw! I was even cleared to shower (which felt amazing!) There are no vampires sneaking in to take my blood in the middle of the night, no IV alarms going off at random times all day needing assistance, no more sponge baths by grumpy CNA's that don't really enjoy scrubbing my unreachables (yes, I am still feeling a bit rejected by a few of them.) I am in my bed and have slept much better. I still might need additional help if these fevers don't clear up, but I was happy for a break. Being home is always an amazing milestone after surgery...but is harder than it sounds. Just getting up and downstairs to fill up my water is a daunting task. My bed is also much higher than most and feels like it engages every core muscle that was sliced just to awkwardly crawl in. You'd think I'd have that figured out by surgery #12, but it is always hard. I do think I am getting around a bit better than the others though. I had tried to stay so active up until the day of my surgery because I could...and pushed through the pain. I think it is helping my recovery already. They left a drain in the lower left area of my abdomen that is producing quite a bit of fluid and is the most awkward strap on drain that I have ever worn. I will try to post a pic in the morning.

So many other things are on my mind...but battling cancer is much more than just chemo or those tag words you hear about so often. My most important part of the battle is TODAY and is healing from THIS surgery and not letting small complications retell my story as they have threatened to do in the past. I'm so disappointed that the Dr. missed a HUGE chance to do the heated chemo...but I have so much hope that amazing things are on the horizon. I'm enjoying today...taking it one step at a time. (literally..) I picture myself where I want to be in a few months. I visualize my kids and I making crafts and laughing together, I picture my next doubles match in tennis and can't wait to swing my raquet. I see myself walking with my family as the crisp fall approaches. I see myself back to running the soccer carpools and teaching my primary kids music on Sundays. I can't wait to be back in my life doing what I love. These chances where that is taken from me always remind me to fully appreciate each day...each moment.

Hospital Day 10:

2011-10-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Hospital Day 10: I'm excited for my family to come see me today. I'm trying to sweet-talk a nurse to help me wash my hair and give me a sponge bath. :) I'd do it myself, but I hurt pretty horrible still. They had to remove my epidural too early because of an infection in the spine...and they haven't figured out a reasonable pain control method since. I'm just trying to roll with the punches. My abdomen is swollen and is persistently making insane amounts of fluid. The small drain is trying to keep up, but it feels like I am going to rip my stiches from the pressure from the fluid. We aren't sure again what is causing that. I have had it for over a year, but now the drs. get a better firsthand look.

I'm still running constant fevers which are not good. Obvoiusly a sign of an infection somewhere...but which one. We don't know yet. Last year I was running fevers and had an abcess after this same surgery. A radiologist went to drain it and missed the abcess completely, but stuck a drain in my intestines (that had already been cut on 5 times plus burned and poisoned)..so another emergency surgery was tried by my intenstines and stomach opening couldn't even be stitched closed. My skin and tissues where too compomised to even hold a simple stitch. It was so gross. You could see all the way to the inside of my intestines by looking in my stomach. If I coughed...it would shoot out of my abdomen and spray the wall. (sorry...there were worse stories...so be glad I chose the "safer" flashbacks.) It started a cycle of fighting for my life. I was 88 lbs, on a feeding tube, wound vac, borderline comatose, and almost lost my battle to a stupid abcess. Sorry for the long rant, but the Dr's think I have another one. You see why that makes me a bit nervous. I'm sure the darn fever I've had all week is from something else...pneumonia sounds good. That is their next best guess. Please just not another abcess.

There is probably more I should write, but my thoughts are on my kids coming. This has always been a very scary place for both of them...and most of the time I was too critical for them to come anyway. I want to make this fun. I have gathered strange goodies from around the hospital and am making them a treasure hunt with clues that will take us around the floor of the hospital I am stuck on...but also am going to do a photo scavenger hunt around my room and the winner gets to cuddle with me for extra time. cheezy, yes...but I want my kids to be distracted by games and just feel more comfortable and natural here than the past. I hope it works. Addie is terrified of hospital beds and always worries that she will hurt me. If I can get her to snuggle a bit in my hospital bed, than that will be great. I'll let you know how it goes. I need to go make my clues and start hiding them. I'm back in my blogging groove...

2011-10-01T17:51:00.000-07:00

More CaNcEr!

2011-10-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Yes...there is a very long, upsetting story behind it, but pathology came back yeterday and there was more cancer hidden in scar tissue. They found a good sized tumor on my uteris wall, but knowing the Dr.didn't see this means that we have no idea what else is out there either. It makes me VERY nervous. Based on the size, it would appear that this tumor survived the heated chemo the first time and grew in scar tissue. My abodmen is FULL of scar tissue...so I have to admit, I am brokenhearted at the thought of what else might be looming.

Also, the reason I did this surgery was to do a needed hysterectomy , eliminate the pain I've been n the last months, remove any cancer found and most importantly...DO THE HEATED CHEMO...which is an amazing resource and has the potential to save my life. I'm so grateful fo the hysterectomy, because that is how they found this hidden tumor. But I am disheartened that the dr. missed the opportunity to make a big difference in my battle with this pesky disease. Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts! I continue to feel so blessed despite the unending trials. Our life experience is largely a matter of our perspective, isn't it? My process remains...each time a new trial is dumped on you...find the silver lining, no matter how small or descrete. There will ALWAYS be one. I am going to go find mine right now. Thanks again to each of you!

Wed Morning

2011-09-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

Shanda has now been in the hospital for six days and unfortunately we are now seeing some post surgery complications. Recent blood work has not been favorable and will possibly require some blood transfusions for Shanda. The epidural that was placed in her spine seems to be sliding out, and therefore making it more difficult to control Shanda's pain. They are trying to get that resolved, but Shanda has moments of severe pain because of it. Poor thing. She has had a fever on and off and now her belly seems to be building up with fluid. That same fluid that required her to have a major surgery last August. So that is a little concerning. We don't know why its happening. She is keeping a good spirit and remains upbeat and positive. She is a fighter. Hopefully this will be just some minor bumps in the road, but please continue to keep Shanda in your thoughts and prayers.

Larry

Sunday Morning

2011-09-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well, it's time for another update. Shanda is continues to improve daily, I'm so proud of the progress she has made. The very first night she was here was a night she would not like to repeat. When she came back from surgery, she was very comfortable, but maybe a little too comfortable. The epidural was too strong and the numbness in her body was climbing up to her chest, which slowed her breathing down. They completely stopped the epidural for one hour, and thats when the hell started for Shanda. One can understand how painful it must have been, hours out of surgery, not to have pain medication. Poor shanda suffered the next 10 hrs while the nurses tried to get her pain under control. Of course she didn't get any sleep and was just miserable. Well, here we are two days later, and things are much better. Her pain management is under control, and she is eager for the next step- "Get the dang tube out f my nose" .

Because her bowels are asleep, she is given a long tube that goes up her nose and down her throat to the stomach. I know what you are thinking , I want one of those too. Anyway, as you can imagine, Shanda hates this thing, her throat hurts, she can't talk, and is constantly thirsty ( no liquids until it is out). MISERY is the best word I can come up with. So, until her bowels wake up, that stays in. Dr says the more she walks around, the quicker her bowels wake up and the dang tube can come out... so, she walks a TON, I love it, it is so who she is. She gets something in her mind, and does anything to get it accomplished. She is wearing me out with all the walking, but well worth it. We do laps around the hospital floor 2-3 times per day, even in the middle of the night. I love her. We just saw the Dr and he listened to her bowels and he is hoping to pull the tube out tomorrow, so we will wait and see.

This is our third major surgery and visit to this Hospital in Spokane. She is usually here for a couple weeks at a time, so nurses around here start to look familiar. They all know Shanda and remember her very well from past visits. They just love her. They appreciate her upbeat personality and great positive spirit. Shanda definitely sticks out on this floor, she is by far the youngest patient, (not a lot of cancer patients at 32), she loves to talk to everybody, and people just gravitate towards her. It has been fun to see her interactions with staff and other patients. I'm so proud to call her my wife.

Anyway, gotta go, more will come.

Larry

Day one recovery

2011-09-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not much of a blogger, but I'll do my best to explain what is going on. Shanda got out of surgery last night and we received the best possible news... NO CANCER FOUND!!! With all that had been going on the past six months with the severe pain, fluid build up in her abdomen, and just not a good overall feeling, we went into this surgery scared, heck, I was scared out of my mind. So to get this news, what a relief, what a miracle!!!!!! Our wonderful Dr did perform a hysterecomty ( which we expected), I can never imagine as a women how that must feel to have that done, but Shanda handled it very well. It was definitely a very difficult choice for her to make, but it had to be done. We have two beautiful girls and couldn't be happier. There was also tons of adhesions and scarring that the Dr also removed. Those adhesions, in addition to the softball size cyst on her remaining ovary, were most likey causing her severe pain and fluid build up. Most importantly, the Dr looked everywhere for any possible cancer lesions or tumors... and found nothing. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

She is still left with a huge incision and a long recovery, but we are so greatful for all those who kept Shanda in their prayers. We have been blessed beyond

measure. We are hoping for a speedy recovery and zero complications. My wife is amazing, and the strongest person I know, I am so proud of her. Thank you all again. I will keep you posted.

Larry

It begins...

2011-09-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm now on clear liquids and get the pleasure of starting a bowel prep. I check in at noon but will have the surgery tomorrow around 3pm. The dr will follow my same huge incision down my stomach and will cut out any tumors or anything that looks cancerous. He will drain the ascites (fluid) that has been building up again..and will send all of that off for pathology. He will also remove tons of adhesions and do a full hysterectomy this time. (I put it off as long as I could...and I am so sad about this...but has to be done now.) The Dr. will await pathology and decide if I need the Heated chemo pumped inside again or what else needs removed. The heated chemo is SO hard on the organs and abdomen. It basically creates severe burning on everything it touches and causes so much trauma. That is why it won't be used unless necessary. I know some peole had asked me why not just do it anyway.

Other than the hysterectomy, I have done this surgery 2ce before...and unfortunately KNOW all that can happen. I am trying to slow my mind from having flashbacks of all of the times I was hanging on for life after the last one. Not because of cancer, but because of surgical complications, etc. I coded the first time I had this surgery and was found in my room with no pulse by the cna trying to get my blood pressure. That was insanely scary...and I'd rather not repeat it. The last time I had this surgery, I tanked about a week in and had so many blood transfusions and ended up on a feeding tube and in serious condition for months. But whatever it is...I will do it. I'll do it 50 more times if I need to. I take one look at my girls and know I would do ANYTHING for the chance to raise them. I have to say, though...that I think I would rather NOT know what I am getting myself into. Oh well. :)

I am SO humbled and grateful for yor prayers. Thank you! Thank you! Please also pray for my doctors that they will be able to be alert, thorough, and that they will be guided to do what is needed and make sound decisions. My amazing mom will be taking care of my girls and Larry will be updating you from the hospital as it unfolds.

Surgery Delayed until Friday

2011-09-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

The Dr. needs to move my surgery that was scheduled for tomorrow. The lady getting hers done tomorrow is in serious trouble if she waits...I remember being in the same position with the same surgeon last year. I'm frustrated because I have waited months now and am in constant pain...but I am counting my blessings that I am not the one needing the "emergency" surgery to save my life this time. Thanks again for your prayers and amazing support.

A beautiful song about the cancer experience...

2011-09-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

It only takes a few minutes to listen to, but the words parallel my story so much. I love it! (Thanks Robin for sharing this with me)

This Makes me Happy...and She's mine!

2011-09-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

And this is my new Kayak...Just looking at it makes me happy! I feel so lucky I got the chance to try this amazing sport this summer.

Living it up and facing fears...

2011-09-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

The last year and a half of my life, fear has been such a HUGE part of my life. Not that I dwell on it, but there is a mean cycle of scary "what if's" that can occur with a cancer diagnosis. What they find more? What if they can't remove it? What if the chemo doesn't work? What if this surgery ends up as bad as the last one? What if I dont make it? What if my girls lose their mom? What if..what if..what if? (even lame things like...what if I end up in the hospital and someone has to come take care of my kids and finds my house in such a mess?) I am always trying to push back the what if's and focus my attention on the awesome things going on around me each day. I try to listen to every word, enjoy every conversation, savor every laugh, remember every little gesture and expression, internalize the feeling of every hug. I used to live a very FULL and busy life...and I still do, but now I slow down to notice things so much more meaningful to me (even just in the simple, daily routine.)

I have learned to embrace my fears, but not let them control me. I have watched some people allow their fears to limit the potential of their lives...and I refuse to do that. Yes, I am scared...truthfully terrified at what might occur. I own that...but I don't focus on that at all. I am overwhelmed by the blessings each day brings and find peace in the hope that I have. I hope I can mantain that perspective.

On a separate note: We just came back from a fun cruise with my in-laws and many of my husband's siblings. I pushed back my surgery to be able to go and wasn't sure I was going to make it because of pain. I ended up giving in and getting help. I don't like pain meds because I have seen so many people get addicted...so I usually avoid them. I needed to go and have fun for my kids..and the meds made that possible.

We had a wonderful time and made awesome memories. It was the perfect thing to do before the next surgery. It was an extention of my new focus on LIVNG. My husband and I faced fears of a lesser type...but we parasailed (I am terribly afraid of heights.)...and we both sang karaoke (which is NOT our thing.). Random, I know...but they were two new experiences we can say we did. My kids both parasailed also...which was awesome. My 4 year old was fear less and wanted to hang upside-down in her harness. We danced,ATE, saw Dolphins, snorkeled, ATE, swam, played, went to a water park, watched fun shows, played games, entered funny tournaments on the boat, ATE, laughed, and much more. It was a great trip. We even rented a car and went to see the home my husband grew up in on our way to the airport going home. We crammed fun into every minute possible. It was perfect!

Aana got picked out of the audience to help with the dolophin show.

Almost all of Larry's immediate family

Crazy Cousins that made the trip so FUN for my kids!

All of us that went on the cruise on a water taxi going snorkeling.

My Mother In Law and Some Sis in Laws

SO true!

2011-09-03T22:05:00.001-07:00

Aana's first day of school

2011-09-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

This girl LOVES school and couldn't wait to get back. I miss her already. Addie starts preschool again next week.

I have SO much to blog...but for today...

2011-09-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

I wanted to show you that we are enjoying every last minute of warm, summer weather together as a family...and we cherish those moments.

Since my kayaking retreat...I've been hooked and am trying to get my family involved.

I went by myself to Hood River, OR and did a girls whitewater kayaking trip to try it again before I took the plunge and bought a boat. And I loved it even more!

I have so many pics to post and most are on other memory cards..but we have been camping, floating the river, bowling, riding bikes, playing games, reading books, laughing, hula hooping, pretending to be pirates, snuggling...and living it up. We have truly made the most of our summer together. I love being a mom!

On a more serious note: There are 17 more days until my next big surgery in spokane. I many of you think that I am recovered and doing well. I am doing so much better than I was, but in truth, I am hurting badly. I just don't want to let that stop me from enjoying my time with my family...so I am trying to push through it. I have been in a LOT of pain. It frequently has me doubled over where I can't move and takes my breath away. It is sharp, near constant, and in my lower abdomen. I have had to give in and rely on pain meds so I don't have to lay in bed all day. I can hurt in bed...or I can live. I am trying to just keep moving... my kids have seen me sick enough. I have never been excited for surgery before, but I am for this one. I am hoping it will help with the pain. I don't want to start the cycle over again that happened last year, but I can't keep hurting like this...so I pray that they can fix it. My hope is that the pain is somehow from all of the trauma in my abdomen...and not a symptom of cancer. We are planning to do the heated chemo again if needed and I will be opened all the way up again. I am grateful the dr. will be able to look again in every nook and cranny inside and see if anything has grown or spread. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

We are packing for another little family trip. My last outing before a long hospital stay. I better go for now.

First Descents = Pure amazingness!

2011-08-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

Last week was a life changing for me. I signed up for what I thought was going to be "cancer camp" and came home with a whole new perspectice on life. It was a blast...but more than that...it was an experience that I hope will help shape my path in the future. I was there with 14 other cancer survivors...several amazing volunteers...an Emmy winning camera crew...and a phenominal staff. I was pushed far outside my comfort zone...faced fears (over and over), tested the physical limits of my cancer riddled body, enjoyed nature, had a blast, and was inspired on SO many levels. I felt ALIVE...and it was wonderful!!!

I can't tell you what a blessing that is. There were athletes all around that beat cancer and took control back of their body and lives...and push themselves to accomplish amazing things. I am inspired by their courage and fortitude. I have faced my trials...but have to admit, that I felt physically much weaker than I used to. I learned that is all in my head...and I am going to start training for big events of my own.

Who cares that I can't feel my legs?.. or that I'll be in the hospital for another huge surgery next month.
This is MY life... I can't "pause" life to heal...my life is NOW...every moment counts.

I have SO many thoughts and so much to say, but am packing to go take my girls camping.

My ramblings will continue...

All I can say is...WOW!

2011-08-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have SO much that I can't wait to write about but until I get home, but I am having the time of my life. This is truly the most amazing experience I have ever had! Whitewater kayaking rocks... I'm HOOKED!!!

I'M DOING IT!!!

2011-07-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

I fly out in the morning...to an amazing ranch between Vail and Apen, CO...and will train all week with the top whitewater kayakers in the world. It is through an amazing young adult cancer program called FIRST DESCENTS. Day one after breakfast we'll be learning to roll and taking on the river...and it will be full speed ahead from there. Fun will be hiking, horseback riding, and more. I can't tell you how excited I have been since I was accepted into this program. I don't know anyone that has ever done it. No doctors ever told me about it. I found it about 6 months ago through a web search and a series of links. It happened to have been the week before they started taking applications. I feel like I was led to it...and the timing was perfect...so that I actually got in!!! More tender mercies...
(here is the link and video I posted before...but it gives you an idea of what I am doing...)
http://www.firstdescents.org/

I wasn't sure I could go with recent events...but I met with my surgical oncologist Thursday and begged him to wait. Due to logisitical issues we can't do it until Sept. 21st...but it gives me time to get ready. ALL of my other surgeries have been emergency surgeries. I feel quietly relieved that he is letting me wait. It will be similar to my other huge ones...and we will be ready to do the heated chemo again as well if they find more cancer involvement. The incision will be the same huge one I have had... and it will be in spokane again. All the same, except one crucial thing...I am SO much stronger this time. It will brutal and another long hospitalization...but I've done it before...and will do it again. I'll update more later but need to finish packing. My pain isn't going to stop me from taking on the Colorado river...and I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!

Positive thoughts...

2011-07-28T07:22:00.001-07:00

Another Surgery...

2011-07-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know the dates or details yet as my oncologist and surgeon are working that out. They did an outpatient procedure with an injection yesterday to shut down my remaining ovary. We are hoping that decrease the pain while I await surgery. I am trying to put it off so that I can go on the cancer survivors kayaking retreat I mentioned. I am supposed to leave next Sunday...and despite pain....I WANT TO GO SO BADLY~

My CT was inconclusive (as expected) regarding any cancer involvement...but showed large cysts(over 2 inches) again on my ovary and a few other things that need to come out. Last August I was taken in for emergency surgery because of ascites and severe ovary pain. That was the beginning of a pretty bad spiral that I barely made it through. It sounds routine, but my body is so ravaged inside that it isn't a small surgery like it would be for someone else. That is typically done laparoscopic, but I am no longer a candidate for those because of all the scarring and chaos in my abdomen. I will likely be cut open following my larger scar from breast area to pubic bone as usual. I will know for sure next week. I was supposed to have a total hysterectomy with my first heated chemo super surgery, but after coersion the doctor allowed me to keep those organs in the miracle chance that I might heal enough to have another child someday. With all that has happened, that is no longer an option and it is a sore loss for our family. We consider ourselves so blessed to have the amazing girls that we do. In an effort to save my ovaries from the cancer, the surgeon sliced off the entire outside (or peeled) them and then poured the heated chemo on them that caused severe burns. THey have tried to heal, but the damage was too great. I tried to keep them... obvoiusly shouldn't have. I am so glad I am stronger now than the last time I had surgery. I will let you know the details as they evolve. We will not know if there is more cancer until the surgery, after the pathology is determined. I am convinced there won't be cancer...and that this is just another bump in my road to recovery.

If you don't mind...

2011-07-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

I would really appreciate your prayers. Tomorrow is a big day full of lots of Ct scans, tests and another draining of the stomach fluid (ascites)that has been filling up my abdomen. The last few months, my stomach has been growing and is full of fluid again...looking similiar to pregnancy. It has grown quite a bit in the last week since I got sick...and the pain is near constant now.

I have been trying to keep my fears on the down low... but I am really starting to try to mentally prepare myself for what is next. They will drain the fluid again and test it for malignancy. We don't know the cause of it. Last August I had it really bad and was taken in for emergency surgery that I barely made it out of. It is typically caused by cancer...but we can't seem to find where it is. It is usually produced by the liver, but mine seems to be produced lower by my remaining ovary or something around it. Organs don't typicaly weep...this is a bit exteme, but my abdomen has endured severe trauma. I hope that is the cause. That's also where the pain is centralized. It is a deep, sharp pain that often takes away my breath and stops me in my tracks. I know it isn't normal...and I need to get it fixed. My cancer usually spreads on the outside of organs and shuts them down...this feels much deeper. The difference in the pain worries me in all honesty. I am still very hopeful and know I will WIN this darn battle. I have to admit, though, that I feel like I am possibly at the beginning a scary cycle again. If you can remember, please keep me in your prayers. I will share the results as soon as they are known. My mind is FULL of positive self talk. Here we go!

Just thinking...

2011-07-08T15:06:00.000-07:00

Another experience I had today. I was talking with a group of ladies and I had a conversation so seeped in irony that it made me think. One insisted that she will never go to church because she doesn't like feeling pressured to service others or to give anything of herself. She said she does enough for her kids...and that there was no way she would give more to church. I had never heard such calloused selfish declarations before...it was strange. My heart pounded and I knew I needed to say something but I wasn't sure what to say.

I explained in the best way I could that my faith has added so much to my life. Giving of myself to others has been such a source of joy and true happiness to me. It is what has kept my mind off my own trials and frustrations. I recognize the Lord's hand each day in my life. She spoke with such an attitude of indifference that it made me sad for her...but as she kept talking she explained how she struggles deeply with depression, I wish she could understand that charity and following Christ are such a source of joy. Not the fleeting joy that is felt by superficial worldly things...but true, lasting joy. My faith doesn't mean that my life will be easy each day, perfect, or without trial...it just means I will know my purpose and feel his support during those trials. I know without doubt that the Lord didn't make us and send us to Earth just to have fun...live a little, and die. Our universe has too much brilliant organization and order for life to be so haphazard and so senseless. I know our lives have purpose. I am so grateful for that knowledge. Our conversation was brief...most of the "aha" moments were in my head as I listened to her.

Fantastic Day!

2011-07-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have wonderful moments that I think I will never forget. Today I wanted to record this one so that I don't forget it. (I was hurting all morning pretty badly, but decided to try to play tennis anyway. I have figured out that if I keep myself moving and as busy as possible, sometimes what I am doing can overshadow the pain.) Anyway...

I was a FUN doubles match of tennis...the court to the right of me had Aana playing with friends of hers. I could hear her laughing...and saw a big grin on her face. Addie was on the players bench cheering me on and making sign language "I love you" signs each time I looked at her. It is a moment that I felt truly ALIVE. I have a lot of those...and don't want to ever take them for granted.

Treasure those simple moments...think about the abundance of things that make you smile each day. Count your blessing. I am... and I hope I always DO! :)

It won't slow me down...

2011-06-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

But I should tell you that the pain I have been having the past few months has increased. It is near constant, but often takes my breath away and completely stops me in my tracks. I have had tests that are inconclusive. A likely cause is cancer, but...it could be from extreme trauma to my abdominal cavity...a ton of surgery, boiling chemo poured in creating 3rd degree burns on every surface, iv chemo pumped inside, adhesions galore, more surgery, cancer...etc. The pain is located in the same area where the fluid (ascites) has been building up. It isn't as large as last sept when I looked so pregnant, but it is definitely there. Please continue to keep me in your prayers. I have felt the power of prayer and witnessed its miracles. I continue to press forward with GREAT HOPE...and am living my life to the fullest each day. I know each day is a gift...and that perspective has changed everything. I have more ct scans and tests early in July. For now, I am trying to gain strength and health so that my body will be ready if I need surgery again. I hurt...but feel SO much better than I did 6 months ago. I am not writing this to complain...just to keep you updated. I'm still raising my own kids. I'm NOT in a hospital. I'm not on a feeding tube. I'm not hooked to iv's. I'm not on chemo. And I'm STILL playing tennis. I am so LUCKY!!!

And they NEVER told me...

2011-06-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

Most of you probably don't know this, but when we lived in Cleveland, OH...we spent 2 years living as some of the ONLY "Gentiles" in an exclusively Hacidic (or Orthodox) Jewish neighborhood. We adored living there!

They were clean, respectful, fantastic neighbors. We loved learning about their culture and religion. They firmly followed their beliefs...and people from all around would come to our neighborhood after sundown on Friday evenings to Saturday evening (which was their sabbath.) This picture isn't the best...but is what we saw from our front windows each day. On their Sabbath they couldn't drive, or even close their car doors. You would see them walking to temple in groups. The men in black suits, with black kaftans (or top hats), and long beards. When you saw the women, they would have their hair covered, or wear a wig...with long skirts and sleeves. They strongly valued their modesty. They walked several times a day to temple and study of the ancient scrolls in Hebrew. They couldn't cook on the Sabbath... or turn on their heaters, or even turn on or off a light. (Their lights would be in timers or they had blackening shades they would put on lamps so that they didn't break their rules.) They loved having token "gentiles" (US) nearby...because if something needed done on their Sabbath...they would call us. It gave us many opportunities to see firsthand how they lived. They would have their Shabbat dinner like clockwork on Friday evenings...and you could see them from through their front windows going through their ceremonies. We were invited several times and it was a wonderful experience.

Passover and other holidays were simply amazing and I will have to post later to explain it all. There are times of the year like Sukkot that they have to build Sukkahs (temporary shelters like forts) and live in them for 7 days to commemorate the forty-year period during which the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, living in temporary shelters. When we first moved in...no one warned us what was going on and I woke up one day thinking I was in a dream. It is hard to explain how unique this subculture was. I could go on an on about this... but...We gained such respect for them and the adherence to their faith...and I think they gained the same respect for our faith and devotion.

ANYWAY...as much as we were around the Orthodox Jews and spent time with them...none of them ever told me what my names means to Jewish people. I just learned by chance that a "Shanda" is a shame of great proportions." Awesome. I now am trying to remember if they ever laughed behind my back. How come they never told me. That is worse than having spinach stuck between my front teeth at a dinner party.

Grateful for Good men in my life...

2011-06-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for a good husband, who works hard, but is a fun, caring father. My girls adore him and he is smitten by them. I think Larry had a good Father's Day.

Shattering the Illusion that cancer makes people Fragile...

2011-06-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

I just got my plane ticket and I am offically going to a week long young cancer survivors kayaking retreat in Vail, Co. It is through an amazing organization called First Descents. I was accepted a few months ago, but worried that I might not have the health to be able to go. I decided I'm going...positive thoughts!

Here is their story: n 2001, ten young adults took to the rivers of Colorado in whitewater kayaks. For seven days, they learned the basics of the sport, eventually conquering Class III rapids before the week’s end. They were there to prove themselves and to prove a point: that cancer, no matter how aggressive, dormant, advanced, or invasive, would never be stronger than they were.

http://www.firstdescents.org/

I am going July 31-Aug 6th...and I am nervous, but SO excited. My body is weakened, but still strong. It is trying to heal... and has been rallying for me. This will be something that I do just for me...and I can't wait!!!

I pulled of a TRUE surprise!

2011-06-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging much lately, because I have been busy LIVING! I count my blessings daily for that and so much more!

The last few weeks I have been busy planning a big SURPRISE party for my mom's 50th bday. She has been my rock this past year and has kept my life running and raised my girls the past year when I wasn't able to. Her big birthday was the perfect opportunity to show her how much she means to me and so many of her friends. All of the pictures I took didn't work because in all my preparations...I forgot the memory card in my camera.

She got out of the car..looked confused, then cried...HAPPY tears. It was awesome. I was so grateful that many of her friends were there to make it so special.

I just saw this and loved it!

2011-06-08T22:05:00.001-07:00

Soaking up the Sun...

2011-06-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you how amazing it feels to sit and weed my flower beds...hear my kids giggling as they run through the sprinklers...and feel the sun on my face? Amazing day full of simple pleasures!

I have symptoms returning and am in pain...but compared to last summer...I have no complaints! Life is GOOD!

So Grateful for our Freedoms!

2011-05-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

And ALL those who have made it possible!

We went to a local cemetery where 1004 flags were out in honor of local veterans who have lost their lives in combat. My hearts swells when I see our flag flying across a blue sky. I get teary thinking of all of the sacrifices that have been made for our freedoms. I am so grateful to be an American~

Metamorposis...and Butterflies!

2011-05-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

My oldest has been learning about metamorposis in school, so I decided to order some caterpillars for my girls to watch as they change into butterflies. They LOVED it. They would check everyday and Aana would teach us all about the caterpillars. We learned that caterpillar waste is called "Fras."...and SO much more. She is reading insect encyclopedias in her free time, so she was full of fun information. After about a week, they got into their "J" shapes and became a chrysalis. My girls checked on them several times and day and we were so lucky that we were in the room watching while three of them emerged as butterflies. They are now outside and hopefully safe. Do you know butterflies only live a couple of weeks? That was news to me.

It got me thinking though...about the amazing processes of change that occur in our lives. In mortality, a large part of our existence is to have experiences, grow, and change. I have watched some of the most amazing transformations of lives, hearts, attitudes, and more...in my life and those around me. I am grateful for those experiences that push me out of my comfort zone and cause me to change...and polish my rough edges. For some reason our family's butterflies reminded me of our potential...as God's children...to grow and learn to fill our roles as the beautiful individuals he knows we can be.

Bugz...and Bugs!

2011-05-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

Last week Aana was in a musical at her school called, "Bugz." They sang, danced, and made us all laugh. It was great! All of the kids had to dress up like the bug of their choice. I thought for sure she would want to be something beautiful like a butterfly, dragonfly or ladybug...but I was WRONG. She wanted to be a beetle (more specifically a stink bug!) Kids are SO random! She stunk (by her own doing) and put a pillow up her back to look like a rounded exoskeleton. I wasn't sure what else to do for that one.

2011-05-20T08:40:00.001-07:00

Don't let anything stop you from enjoying the sunshine in YOUR life!

2011-05-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

Friday, I was given the opportunity to speak to over 500 middle school students and tell them my "survival" story to promote cancer awarenes. I was asked the day before and had very little time to prepare...but the words just came to me and I think it went well. Beyond talking about cancer...my goal was to give them all "hope" in their own trials...and remind them that they also can do hard things!

Best Mothers Day gifts ever...

2011-05-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

Aana wrote this for me and laminated it for Mother's Day. I LOVED IT!

Outside of Heart Card from Addie

Inside: "Mom, HABE! MOTHERS" (she forgot day)...she spelled it herself. I LOVE phoenetic spelling.

Vegas Dental Convention

2011-05-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Last week the entire staff of my husband's dental office flew to Las Vegas for a huge dental convention. There were 16 total...14 women and the two drs. Lets just say the men were outnumbered. We learned a ton during the classes and came home with alot of fun new ideas for the practice...but we also made time for fun. We all went to see the Cirque Du Soleil show "Beatles LOVE"...and it was wonderful! Larry and I also went to see the Blue Man Group and sat up front in the paint splash zone. Once again...we didn't take any pictures (lame, I know), but a booth at the conference took this one. Nice face, Larry!

We had a great trip, but that place is SO filthy. It was nice to return to a smoke free, sober environment. I was away from my girls for mother's day...but they were in good hands. My Mother in law and sister in law, Marianne, flew out and took care of them. The kids had a blast and we were all happy!

Amazing Easter!

2011-04-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

I always love Easter, but this year seemed extra special to me. My husband was home all weekend, my girls were giggly and excited, we dyed egs...and hunted for eggs, the weather was nice, my daughters were like sponges asking insightful questions about Christ's resurrection, we saw a beautiful play depicting the life and mission of our Savior, we went to my parent's house for a wonderful Easter dinner, and we enjoyed time with our family. It was a beautiful weekend!

I was caught up in moments...not worrying about catching a great shot of the girls in easter dresses or hunting for eggs. I'll post the few that we got anyway.

I have a strong testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of him. I spent time each day studying his life and final weeks. I have gotten to know him much better this year and I will be forever grateful for his atonement.

2011-04-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

‎"The key is not to prioritize your schedule

but to schedule your priorities."

- Stephen R. Covey

I love this quote...I am really trying to live this way. I want to work each day toward my goals, make time for the things that really matter, and not regret not living each day to it's potential.

The only way to climb a mountain...

2011-04-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Is one step at at time!
A couple of days ago we went hiking as a family for the first time. When we sat at the base, my children thought there was NO way we were going to make it all the way to the top. We started our trek...one step at a time...and before we knew it...we were on the top looking down. We had a great lesson on the top about setting goals and keeping our eyes on our goals. We talked about how we can do hard things...one step at a time. Life has reminded me of this simple lesson several times lately. If you are facing things that you find insurmountable...just remember, you CAN do it, one step, or day, or moment at a time. We can do hard things! We are not alone! I been gently reminded to always keep my eyes on my goals and spend time on the things that mattermost. I have committed to trying to make all my moments count!

Tests tomorrow and National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week

2011-04-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have CT scans and other tests that have me a bit nervous. Your prayers have been heard and yeilded amazing miracles... please keep me in your prayers tonight if you can. I won't know results until next week when I meet with all of my specialists. I will let you know as soon as I do.

Also...this week is National Young Adult Cancer Awareness week. Did you know that more people between 20-39 die each year from Cancer than all of the other leading causes combined? Also..most of those deaths are because the cancer is detected when it is too far advanced. If you have symptoms that you know aren't right...get them checked. If the dr. dismisses your concern because of your age...get a 2nd opinion. I sure wish I would have. Early detection makes a world of difference in treatment.

Simple moments

2011-04-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

Its the simplest things that I find myself cherishing SO much! Today the girls and I played at the park, took a walk, skipped rocks, had a picnic with friends, made dinner, and laughed a lot. It was a great day! I continue to count my blessings! I have several cancer tests coming up this week, so please keep that in your prayers. I don't know what is next, but I am sure grateful for today!

Change...

2011-03-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

First, my Addie got glasses. I took her in for a checkup just because we love our eye doctor. To my surprise, we found out Addie REALLY needed glasses. I'm so glad we took her. I think she is darling in glasses. (but I am a bit partial...) I just wish I would have known earlier.

Second...last week she decided to cut her hair. She blamed it on the cat. We found a big pile of hair in the toyroom. This is just one side...but she skilfully cut both. She used to have a cute A-line that was longer in the front...but now it is a cute mullet. Then she tried to tell me she was making it "crazy" like mine.

SMILE :)

2011-03-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

Lately I have had an almost permanent smile on my face.

(That doesn't mean my days go by without difficulty or contention...don't get me wrong.)
I am going about my day often stop and realize how far I have come this past year and I find myself offering prayers of gratitude.

I appreciate SO MUCH MORE the abundance

of AMAZINGNESS that exists around us.

There are so many things that fill my days that make me smile.

In thinking about smiling, I have been reminded of how it feels good to smile.. and how it is is contagious (if someone smiles at me...I reflexively smile back...and we both feel better.)

I love the quote,
"SMILE and the world smiles back at YOU!"

It's so true.. trials are more bearable, our attitudes are more positive, people are much more comfortable around us...and we feel happier by simply smiling!

"..If you smile with your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow...

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just...SMILE."

Making memories

2011-03-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

We flew in after midnight last night from an awesome family trip to Disneyland. I came home exhausted, but so happy. I was able to show my children that I AM ALIVE. I tried so hard to make every minute fun for them...and keep up with their unending energy. They have been by my side through some things that no child should have to witness...so I was thrilled to have the energy and health to make a new memory with them. I cherished each moment and feel so appreciative for the health I am enjoying.

We laughed, held hands, skipped, raced, sang, smiled, and spent time together. It was perfect!

This was a huge deal because Addie just made the 40'' required to ride almost ALL of the rides. She had no idea what to expect with the roller coasters so we took her on all of them.

Woody here is made out of LEGOS... My kids and husband have a new obsession with Legos...so they thought this was pretty awesome.

Worn out from too much fun!

Update

2011-03-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

I realized today as I was talking to a friend that I need to update you all on my health and current prognosis. I am feeling GREAT. That doesn't mean perfect... but great compared to what it could be. There are still many things that make my days challenging, but don't dwell on them because none of them even come close to this past year or a few months ago when I came so close to my deathbed. I am having some spells of total loss of memory and ability. I will be driving for example and all of a sudden won't remember where I am or which pedal is the gas or brake. I entered a silly ping pong tournament with Larry on our cruise and in the middle completely forgot how to hit a ping pong ball. They are odd things that occur at odd times, but they worry me. My bowels (in the spirit of full honesty) are pretty awful...but I am still SO grateful that I don't have to have a colostomy bag. They work...just not the same as usual. (sorry again to mention...) My legs are still numb to my knees. A few times lately I have had bloody blisters that I never could even feel because of the numbness. Walking/running is awkward because of the strange sensation of numbness, but I am doing much better. It feels the strangest in tennis, but it works. I am SO grateful to be able to play! My hairloss STOPPED...just as my thin combover on the top was about to go. I have a bald spot in the back. I have learned to cover it...and I have a wig. The good news is that hair just started growing on my legs again so I think I will have new peach fuzz on my head. I have bad hair right now...but it is hair. I didn't expect to keep any. No complaints. My vision is returning in most places. I am so grateful to be able to read again...but I am still addicted to audiobooks that kept my brain from turning into mush in the hospital.

I know you really want to know where my cancer is right now. Answer: I don't know. I have more scans and tests scheduled this month. Please continue to keep me in your prayers. The reoccurrence rate in stage 4 cancer is very high...but I feel SO optimistic. I have been so aggressive in treatments and have survived all of those. I will update you as I get results.

Today...

2011-03-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

Addie asked me if we could make Old Maid bread together. I couldn't help but drop everything and just hold her in my arms. As much as I feel like I missed this last year of her life...I am so grateful for those moments that remind me she is still my LITTLE girl. So I think we will make "homemade" bread.

Aana's Baptism...It's great to be 8!

2011-02-27T18:15:00.000-08:00

This weekend was wonderful for our family. Our oldest, Aana was baptized. In our faith, we baptize our children after they are 8 years old...and Aana has been counting down the days since her birthday. She has such a wonderful sensitivity to the spirit and such a desire to learn about Christ. She amazes me! She set a goal in sept. to read the entire Book of Mormon before she got baptized...and that is a HUGE goal for a girl that was seven. She worked so HARD...read chapters everynight...and studied with Larry and I trying to understand the hard words. (if you have never read the Book of Mormon...it is an AMAZING book and is another testament of Jesus Christ and has old language just like the Bible.) It has over 500 pages and challenging words...but it is SO worth reading and she did it...and it was a wonderful experience to watch her reach this goal.

10 Years of Marriage, an Amazing Cruise...and LIVING it up!

2011-02-27T17:40:00.000-08:00

We just got back from the Caribbean and LOVED every minute of it. I don't think I would have changed a thing! Our pictures don't reflect all of the fun we had because our new camera is a bit large to carry around all of the time. We swam with dolphins, SURFED, zip lined, performed in a dance mob, entered doubles ping pong tournaments, dodge ball tournaments, watched broadway shows, ice skated, climbed rock walls, snorkeled the largest reef in the Caribbean, ATE, laughed, and LIVED! I constantly had to stop and thank my Heavenly Father for the miracle of being able to do all of those things. It was SO much fun!!! It was the perfect way to celebrate...here's to 50 more years of marriage!

Belated birthday posts...

2011-02-27T16:56:00.000-08:00

Life has been crazy, but Aana and Addie's birthdays can't be over looked. It has been a fun, busy, but amazing month for our family. We count our blessings everyday! We are so grateful for these beautiful rays of sunshine in our lives!!

Aana wanted brownies..

So surprised from all of their amazing gifts. :)

Aana was SO excited to get her OWN scriptures!

My mom made Addie a cake of ALL her favorite things. Take a look...it's pretty funny. Mac 'n Cheese, pancakes, chocolate, gogurts, cupcakes, string cheese, etc. Awesome!

Cruising...and Celebrations!

2011-02-11T22:56:00.000-08:00

Another reason I have been SO busy is that I have been trying to get ready to go on vacation with my husband to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. (Feb. 16th) We went on a cruise for our honeymoon 10 years ago and wanted to go to celebrate this year as well. We will be in Royal Caribbean's newest ship the Allure of the Seas and are headed to there before dawn in the morning.

We are so excited for some sun (because I missed ALL of last summer)...a chance to celebrate...a chance to LIVE a little... and feel so blessed to be able to do this!!! I AM SO GRATEFUL to be feeling better right now!

So expect a ton of pictures when I get back...and more updates. Thanks for your patience!

Belated Birthday Post

2011-02-11T22:47:00.000-08:00

These past couple of weeks have FLOWN by...but before more time passes, I have to mention that both of my girls had birthdays this week. Feb. 7th is the luckiest day I have ever had.

On that day, four years apart, my two most precious treasures entered the world. I have been a busy mom planning parties, throwing parties, and cleaning up from parties. Both girls had a blast and pics will follow, but for now...I will post their drawings of them.

Aana's Pajama Pancake Party Picture with her friends

Addie and her cake (that is a table...not a bug on the right)

Present ponderings

2011-02-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling stronger and tackling more each day. The past two weeks have been cleaning out the garage...which for those that saw it before can understand what a task it was. I have given away ALL of my girls baby clothes, the crib, etc. Is it just me, or are those moments bittersweet? Sweet because my husband will quit nagging me...(sorry Larry) but sad in that I was parting with SO many memories...and a VERY dear chapter of my life. I held on to them in hopes another child would come into our lives. I'm not sure that could happen now. There really aren't any others who have conceived after the HIPEC (heated chemo and accompanying surgeries) that I have had. I LOVE motherhood...and my prayer is that if there are more that are meant for our family...that they will somehow come. My heart is willing and open. (sorry, tough topic for me, but I wanted to vent it.)

On the flip side, I am thrilled that I am getting to raise the beautiful girls that I have. We treasure each day...and often stop to offer our gratitude that I am feeling well enough to do whatever we had been doing at that time. My life has changed dramatically over the past year~no doubt about that!

I am the president of our family's party planning committee (jk!) which is working HARD this week. For those that don't know, my daughters were both born on the same day...just 4 years apart. I am hosting Addie's little party tomorrow morning...and Aana's on Saturday morning. I am busy, but happy. I can't complain. It is SO wonderful to be able to DO things...

She Reads...

2011-01-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

I forgot to post, but a couple of weeks ago Addie was on school field trip to our local children's museum. She didn't want to play, but spent the entire time making words with magnetic letters on a huge magnet board. We spelled sentences and she kept sounding them out and reading them. I was pretty surprised. I haven't been able to work with her as much as I wanted this year (for obvious reasons...) but I think Aana has been a great teacher for her. Now she is a reading machine and she is SO excited. Tonight she told me her goal was to read all of her Dr. Seuss books by herself. She's only 3...we need to take it one step at a time! Kids are amazing!!! I love how happy this discovery has made her.

Blowing away...

2011-01-16T21:34:00.000-08:00

The wind here is so bad right now and I am grateful to be inside. My hair is falling out so badly that I am afriad I would be like a kid blowing on a dandelion if I walked outside...with all of my hair blowing away. I am trying to preserve what is left, so I think it is best that I stay inside until this goes away!

I guess I should share what I learned about my hair loss. I went to specialists who tested samples of hair from all over my head. I guess when I got so horribly ill after the last surgery and my body starting shutting down...it killed my hair cycle as well. It manifests 10-12 weeks later and is now all falling out. There is nothing they can do. We think it will start to regrow, but it will take a couple more months to even start with new peach fuzz. I am just trying to preserve what is left in hopes I don't lose it all (though it is likely.) I am now using ALL of the hats that were shared with me this year. I am even going for a wig fitting. I am not sure how to feel about that, but I am reminded that it could be so much worse.

AmAzInG!!!!

2011-01-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

It has been a GREAT WEEK. I have had energy enough to start trying to organize my poor house that has been neglected all year. One room, drawer, and cabinet at a time...it is coming together. When you can hardly clean for SO long...you actually are grateful when you can do it again! I never thought I would say this, but I am loving it!

Also...TODAY I played in my first tennis match in over a year and a half. I didn't play very well, but I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! My body has been ravaged and put through HELL, but is working so hard trying to heal and gain strength. I am so extremely grateful for the miracles that have occurred. Today seemed like the manifestation of yet another miracle to me. It made me SO happy! I have had a permanent grin ever since. I would miss a shot that I should have easily made, but it didn't bother me...I would just think...oh well, at least my body is moving! I count my blessings everyday!!! I'm sorry to sound SO darn cheezy, but I can't help it. I am SO grateful for MY LIFE!!!!

A year ago today...

2011-01-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

I got the call that changed so much in my life. I only mention because it has been on my mind alot today. I must be hard for doctors to have to give news like that. Tomorrow I got to the cancer ctr. for most testing but I feel like all will be well. That is a huge contrast from all of the testing earlier this year. I'll take it! :)

SO glad it is a NEW YEAR!

2011-01-04T10:06:00.000-08:00

2010 will be a year I will NEVER FORGET!!! I survived this year by the skin of my teeth...but each day seems to bring be a step closer to my "old" life. I just erased the words"old Self"...as there is NO way that I could return to my old self and not be changed by all that happened this past year. To quote one of my favorite songs from the musical Wicked..."I have been changed, FOR GOOD!"

I am overwhelmed as I sit and think of all of the life changing moments that are emblazoned in my mind from this last year...and of all of the things I learned.

I will never forget the doctors voice as he told me "Shanda, you have cancer!" It was one of the ONLY times in life that I have been truly speechless. I can't even desribe the feelings I had at that moment.

I will never forget the feeling of comfort that overcame me as I immediately prayed and brought my fears to the Lord. I will never forget him carrying me, literally carrying me during my darkest hours when my body was failing me. I fell asleep many nights begging for my life...and the chance to raise my children...and asking the Lord just to help me make it through that night.

I have learned that we are much stronger than we could ever imagine, especially when the Lord is on our side.

I have been reminded that the Lord hears each and every one of our prayers!

I will never forget the AMAZING SUPPORT that came from all over the country and in so many forms. I was taught by your examples of service, compassion, tenderness, and love. I will serve better throughout my whole life because of what I learned from YOU! I know understand true charity as I have felt it in my life!

I have been reminded that trials are more bearable if we meet them cheerfully.

I learned to NEVER take our bodies or our health for granted. Wow, life is different when they are in jeopardy!

Most importantly, I have been reminded how precious life is...and how important it is that we use our time wisely. Cherish those moments that matter, love those around you, don't let the distractions of the world take your eyes off what matters most, don't put off the important things thinking you'll have time to do them later, and take time to smile and count your blessings each day!

2010-12-25T00:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas...and our wish to you all this year is that you can feel the joy of the Savior's birth, feel his peace and comfort in your lives, and remember his example throughout the year!

The Reason for the Season

2010-12-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

C
H
R
I
S
T
M
A
S

I have LOVED watching my little Addie enjoy HER little nativity. She is so tender with the baby Jesus...and re-enacts the Christmas story several times a day. I have been so grateful for our tender conversations about Jesus that we have had this month. This is what I wanted for Christmas! It makes me so happy!

Enjoying the holidays...

2010-12-22T10:02:00.000-08:00

The shopping and wrapping are done...and now it is time for us to enjoy the holidays. Larry his feeling better and WE ARE ALL TOGETHER (and healthy)! That is what I wanted for Christmas... and it seems as though I have gotten it! I am so grateful!

More hospitals...but for my husband this time!

2010-12-19T22:48:00.000-08:00

Poor Larry had a surgery to remove his kidney stones two weeks ago in hopes that he could avoid more trips to the ER and hospital. It didn't work at all...but instead caused more and made them start dropping. We were going to go Christmas shopping in friday and dropped our kids off to a friend...a block later he is in severe pain and we end up in the ER. Last night he was admitted to the hospital and this afternoon her had another surgery. I hope this one worked. He has 10 stones currently on his kidneys...and he's NOT excited about that!
Lesson learned...make prayers more specific. We have been praying that I would be home and away from the hospital for the holidays. Maybe we should have asked for the whole family to be home feeling well. Just kidding! :) I feel bad for Larry...but am grateful he is healthy other than that. Good health is truly a WONDERFUL blessing!

Inspiration...

2010-12-16T23:24:00.000-08:00

"This Christmas, mend a quarrel.

Seek out a forgotten friend.

Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.

Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth.

Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise.

Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy.

Apologize. Try to understand.

Examine your demands on others.

Think first of someone else.

Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more.

Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger.

Gladden the heart of a child.

Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.

Speak your love and then speak it again."

-Howard W. Hunter

I LOVE this quote...and have tried for the last several years to do these things throughout the month of December. This year I decided to print them and put them in a jar. I pull one out each day and try to focus on that. It has helped me to feel more of the spirit of the holiday...despite the chaos of shopping, wrapping, etc.
Try a few of these things today...and let me know how it goes. I guarantee it will brighten your day!

Back in the game...and remembering rainbows!

2010-12-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

I went shopping I have resumed my "old" life as much as possible...and I forgot how hectic it was. I am a taxi, chef, receptionist, maid, accountant, personal shopper, babysitter...and you get my drift. Factor in the holiday chaos, my forever long list of to do's to make up for the last year...and my overall lack of energy...and hopefully you understand my limited blog posts.

It is great! ALL of it! I love being needed again by my family and being able contribute. I am overwhelmed by all that I need to do, but am SO grateful that I can do all of those things! I saw this (double) rainbow when I came home yesterday from a marathon errand running day...and I was reminded of the beauties in this life. Life is GOOD...not always easy, but SO worth it!

Big and BALD? No...

2010-12-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

I never imagined I would spend a year on a public forum talking about my bowels, but I never imagined I would admit this either:

I have gained over 30 pounds in the last 4 weeks. Aaah~ My doctors are thrilled... but wow...I hope this slows down. They think it is my body trying to adapt as it has been in starvation mode for so long. I'm not sure what to say about that. I dropped down to to the point where all of my ribs were showing, but not any more! :) Several people have commented when they have seen me, so just wanted to address it on the blog. Yes... I have gained some weight. (Can you blame me? Food tastes WAY better than IV nutrition. And I cook a lot better than the hospital cafeteria... but then again, who doesn't?)

On a different note...I am losing my hair again. And quickly! I never went bald with chemo, but thinned quite a bit. Luckily my hair was very thick to start with. We aren't sure what is causing it now...but it is coming out in handfulls and I hope it stops. They ran several tests at the cancer center today. I hope they find an answer...I don't want to be BIG and BALD for Christmas. (I say this jokingly)

I still have some other strange, lingering symptoms, but compared to what I am used to...they are nothing! I have pain all over my body underneath my skin. It is hard to explain, but hurts when putting on lotion, getting hugs, and things like that. My legs from my knees down are completely numb...and feel very strange as well as my fingers. They move correctly but feel detached in strange way. My feet cause the most problems...they feel like strange weights that I carry around. I have to consciously think about them when I walk or I stumble...It is a hard sensation to get used to. And my stomach is still swollen and sore, but I think I will have that for quite a while.

Please know I don't tell you these things to complain, but I have tried to be very open through this whole process and this is a part of it I haven't mentioned in quite a while. Other than that...I am feeling great. Every day gets better...you will hardly catch me not smiling!

Update...

2010-12-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

This morning we are headed to the hospital for a quick surgery for Larry (NOT FOR ME!!!) He is getting several kidney stones blasted in hopes that he can avoid problems in the future. He has had 3 now and has at least 4 more hanging on his kidney. We hope it goes well and that he will be back to normal quickly.

We are returning to normal...though it is a slow progression. I have short bursts of energy, but they seem to increase almost daily. I even got to scrub my own house this week. (yes..I was grateful to scrub bathrooms!) I have to be REALLY careful because bending hurts, but it was nice to feel a bit more self sufficient. I have been taking care of my girls each day on my own for a few weeks...which is AMAZING! My youngest is glued to my hip and just keeps telling me how much she missed me and loves me. My oldest is just making up for lost time with me. She has a mile long list of things she wants us "to do" together. We are going to have so much fun this month...I am so excited!

I was thinking yesterday about how much my life has changed over recent months and just was completely overwhelmed by how much better it has gotten. I almost forgot about the side effects of my chemo...there were some miserable ones, but another was how I wasn't able to drink or touch anything cold. That was hard over the summer...no cold water, smoothies, ice cream, etc. BUT.. With all of the freezing weather and snow I am feeling SO grateful that I did that during the summer, or I would have been in trouble. (cold things caused so much pain in my throat, hands, feet, or wherever it touched.) Small blessings...but there are SO many. That is just one of a million...but I am grateful I did my chemo in the summer.

I can't even explain how wonderful it is to be at home versus a hospital. If you have never been there for more than a few days than it is hard to even fathom what I am talking about. I hope you NEVER have to experience long stays there. I am SO excited that I no longer have IV nutrition, a wound vac pump to carry around, or a chemo fanny pack. I am so excited to NOT be connected to a constant IV pole. I am thrilled to have been able to STOP taking all medicines except a vitamin. I felt like I was in a medicine induced coma this past year and it is nice to be clear headed again. I am so grateful that my vision has returned...because it kept me from reading for many months this year. (Your whole body responds to extreme trauma...and my eyes were NOT working!)

I am so grateful that I have been able to serve others a little bit lately. It is amazing being able to be on the giving end again. I am reminded that there are truly times and seasons for everything. I hope that I can share some of the comfort and help that SO MANY amazing people shared with me. I will never forget all of the kindness that was shown to my family this last year. It is something that has changed me...and will be with me FOREVER!!!

And...I have to remind you that You are AWESOME...and I am grateful for YOU! This blog has given me an outlet through all of this and has been an amazing source of support and strength. Thanks for putting up with my ramblings, my sorrows, and for seeing me through this.

Oh yeah...

2010-11-30T12:17:00.001-08:00

TODAY...I went to the gym!! I wasn't sure what I would be capable of...but I did a class and was SO excited. I am pretty sure I just sat there with a big grin on my face the WHOLE time. It felt so good to move my body. I can't wait until I can try tennis again!!!!

Just SOME of the things I am grateful for this year...

2010-11-27T08:41:00.001-08:00

We had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving at my parents with family and friends. I felt strong, my children were happy, my mom is feeling better (after a big surgery 2 weeks ago), and our hearts were full as

we have SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!!!

We went around and each drew a scrabble tile and shared things we were grateful for that began with the letter we picked. It was amazing how easy it was to think of things (except for the letter "Z".) We truly are blessed! Silly picture, I know...but this is me...grateful to be doing dishes. It is amazing what you miss after a year of not being able to do anything for yourself. I was just thrilled to have the energy and strength. It was a beautiful day!

The best medicine...

2010-11-23T12:11:00.000-08:00

I didn't go out with them, but Larry did. They went sledding and enjoyed the snow yesterday!

I am just enjoying seeing them SO HAPPY! Laughter, giggles, and ear to ear smiles...they have AMAZING healing properties. Try it! :)

Making up for LOST time...and LOVING it!!

2010-11-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't sat down to blog...because I am ALIVE...and feel ALIVE...and I am cherishing every moment. I am completely trying to make up for lost time. I am still very weak but am gaining strength each day. The girls and I are so excited to have some time together this week with no school...and I am actually excited to clean, bake, play, and just do what moms and daughters usually do. I can't wait!

I had an appointment last week with my local surgeon and got good news. It doesn't look like I am going to need another surgery to place another drain for my bowel perforation. I have gained weight (which was what they wanted...), I am feeling stronger, and it seems like it is almost healed. He was thrilled with my progress. That was the last thing that was hanging over me right now. The open incision on my abdomen is also closing off, so it seems like I can now move forward. I was SO relieved!

I had been searching for something that I could get to symbolize my battle with cancer...and remind me my own strength. I found this amazing woman on etsy that made this necklace for me. The picture doesn't do it justice...as it means SO much to me and I wanted to share. It symbolizes surviving...the beads are "amber" which symbolize my cancer...and the ribbon is for cancer awareness. I LOVE it! She has necklaces that reflect other things as well (other cancers, autism, hobbies,etc.) and I love what she made for me.

I few things I had MISSED...that aren't to be taken for granted!

2010-11-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

Showering! That amazing gift has been returned after MONTHS. I have been able to shower for about a week now and everyday, I just want to stand there until there until the hot water gives out. For months, I had to bathe in about 4 inches of water, skillfully scrub the rest, and wash my hair in the kitchen sink. It is amazing to just stand in warm, running water without the fear that you will get some attached pump or some wound wet. I am SO grateful to be able to shower!!!!!

And I am driving again. That might be another thing taken for granted, but it had been months since I had driven myself anywhere. My van missed me...and I missed my independence. I have even driven my youngest to preschool like a normal young mom this week. Her teacher cornered me after I picked her up that day and told me that it was the first time in two months of school that Addie was bubbly and talkative. I think she was just thrilled to have her mom back...this has really taken a toll on ALL of my family. She has been stuck to my side since I have started living again and keeps saying, "aren't you too sick, Mommy?"

My heart is full...

2010-11-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

My 7 year old taught us an amazing lesson on the power of prayer last night and how much it can change lives. She planned her lesson, made her visuals, gathered us together, and made my heart even more full of love and appreciation for her. I am so grateful for my girls...I can't imagine what my life with be without their love!

Guess What...

2010-11-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

Appendix cancer has a ribbon Color...Amber!

The logo to the right is one of the designs that I found online for appendiceal cancer. I even love the color. It made my day. Now, my lifelong battle with be to promote awareness, help other patients as an advocate, and earn money for research. (maybe one day I can get the NFL to wear amber...the appendix is just as scary to have cancer in as breasts....) THere are several new clinical trials that would help my cancer and I am working to put together a run in my area to fund research for this spring. My degree is in Marketing communictions...so this is exactly what I enjoy. It feels good to have a bit of energy to even think of tackling such a project.

Also: The drain that was removing the bowel material from my abdomen had to be removed this morning because it lost suction. It has been in since the surgery (over 5 weeks) but the stitches had come out twice and it had been inching out over the last week. We are hoping the body will create its own pathway out for the "foreign matter," but there is a chance for complications. That is the focus of my prayers now...I just hope it heals and that I can avoid more surgeries/doctors.

I am ready to start living my life again! :)

A LONG TIME

2010-11-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Today is Nov. 2nd...and that marks 14 months of being sick.

I ended up in the hospital on Sept. 2nd last year horribly ill with a ruptured appendix after it was misdiagnosed in the ER. (as many of you know...)

That is what spread my cancer from stage 1 to stage 4, but we had NO idea at the time.

Some people say that time flies...but I can tell you that the last year or so has just drug on!

MY GOAL: By Dec. 2nd...I want to have my body healed and be able to focus on my FAMILY for the holidays!
(Side note: Today, I went walking around the block with a friend and I made it!!! I was THRILLED!!!)

Happily Exhausted...and HALLOWEEN!

2010-11-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend I tried to do EVERYTHING...and today I am simply exhausted...but HAPPILY exhausted!!!

I was able to take my girls to the trunk or treat at church...I drove the golf cart while they trick or treated around our block last night...and I even got to go to church yesterday! It was ALL wonderful.
Aana was the young Cleopatra and Addie was a Halloween Fairy
(though when people asked what she was...she answered "umm...I don't really know!")

I am sore...SO sore...and tired, but couldn't have asked for a better weekend considering the circumstances.